1, 2, 10 year retrospect

It's been more than a year and a half since my last post and don't get your hopes up, I'm still not going to be updating this often. Don't really feel inclined to. However, I do feel it's better to post big life updates here than, like... on FB. FB is for cat pictures and commie memes. Twitter isn't much better and Tumblr is dead.

So, what's left to say, it's been a HELL of a year. and yes, I mean literal hell. (am I being too pessimistic?)

Am I talking like an old man?

I looked back on the first year anniversary of this blog, 5 years ago, and saw how eager I was to be 23. to be honest a hardly feel more than 25 sometimes when I'm almost 30 (28.5 now but eh).

So, what have I been up to in the year and a half since my last post? Well aside from Rio still being dead and me still being Ace and Polyam, eh, actually a lot.

Personally, I've grown a lot. I still get sad when I remember losing Rio, as I do when I think of all those who I have lost, but those memories have a fondness to them. I have matured a lot and have learned much better ways to communicate, and how to set better boundaries for myself (through lots of trail and error but eh, who's counting). I've learned to assert myself and just exist as who I am because I want to (and I'm too tired to do anything else). I've learned to let go. I've learned to hold on to what matters most to me. I've learned how to be mad. But, in the end, I'm still me.

Now that the introspective piece is out of the way, how about some tangible changes?

Well, since I hated it so much, I finally fled the post office. It really wasn't a good fit for me. And after rear ending someone (very gently, no injuries) with a postal truck and having the whole thing just go nowhere, I couldn't do it anymore. Seeing the country side was nice, but I needed to be free. So I went back to driving rideshare for a while (until they kicked me off for the PO accident/points lost on my licence, but its fine cause I hated rideshare), and working at the hospital as much as I could, that kinda sums up what I was doing. I only NOW got full-time at the hospital back in July, and life has been great ever since. I really like this place, and the people here. I've started doing art commissions to help with bills here and there, but for the most part I've just been working on my personal art/writing. I can't say much but it's out there, and I'm working on the art as much as I can while still continuing the story. I feel very accomplished in that way. go me.

Well, how about family matters? how has that changed? well, for one, hold on until tomorrow and you'll find out the good stuff. Let's see... After losing Rio, things were quiet for a while. My mom's health had been struggling especially last year and at the start of this year she discovered she had breast cancer. She fought a valiant battle over the spring and summer and conquered it completely! It was stressful for a while but she never gave up. I'm glad she made it through. She also still has a lot of other health issues but we'll face those as they come. However, we did experience some tragedy during the summer. During one of the last sessions of chemo, her loyal friend and companion, a cat named Rabbit (India, technically) ended up having some ongoing heart problems and eventually had to be let go. However, Rabbit could not have picked a better time to say goodbye, since my sister had come in for a visit during that week. we all got a chance to be there for each other and it was really beautiful, as sad as that all is.

On the subject of cats, in the beginning of June, my mom and I went to go see the Elton John movie. we stopped at petco to pick up some things and ended up peeking over to the cats available for adoption. That's when I saw him. Looking back from the other side of the glass was a beautiful tabby boy, and of course, I wanted to cry. It hadn't even been a full year since we lost Rio and every little thing reminded me of him. Here was this baby (he was listed as 4 years old but he is a certified baby, trust me, I know), and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I sent a picture to my editor and he vetoed the idea of adopting the cat since we still had 6 others in the house. It's the responsible thing to do. However I asked him to think it over, and he did. He agreed to meet the boy in person and immediately caved. He still struggles with Rio's loss more than I do, and as painful as it was we felt relieved to see another tabby face again.
Then, there was a sign. When Rio would feel like the catboxes weren't cleaned to his standard, he would just poop right outside of them. he did that for years and we got used to it. Now, here was this little tabby boy trying to use the catbox in front of us, and failing miserably. He ended up going right out of the box and we just laughed. this baby was carrying on Rio's legacy, we HAD to get him. We got a chance to play with him out of the cage and it was all over from there. We applied for the adoption papers and waited a few days for them to respond. On Sunday, while we were at my mom's house (I forget why), I got the call. They asked me about all our cats and why we wanted another and I was honest. Then they said we were approved and we immediately went to go get him.The name the rescue group gave him was Dax, and while it's cute, it didn't have that DIGNITAS that we were looking for. To carry on Rio's legacy, we named him Fluvius, latin for river.
This poor baby wanted out of that cage SO BAD my goodness. It wasn't much better being crammed in a small box for the car ride home, so I let him peek his head out and hold on to me as we drove. I think it helped. Now, remember when I said I KNEW that he was baby? As SOON as we brought the box with Fluvi in, all the other cats were like "WTF is this?" but they didn't really seem to be bothered by him. All the girls just kind of regarded him and went about their day, while Momo (the roommate's cat) was VERY INTERESTED in this new friend. At first, Momo just hissed (something he usually doesn't do), then he spent the rest of the time lurking just out of view to keep an eye on him. Poor Fluvi was so scared, he was clearly overwhelmed by all the things and all the new faces. We didn't see the need to lock him in the bathroom for the night since the other cats didn't care about him, so I settled him right next to the bed in an emptied shelf  (I cleared out a cubby for Moose to sleep in after she had to get dental surgery in May, and THAT was it's own thing. She's doing great now), and settled the new baby right in. He woke me up a lot by hissing every time he saw Momo peeking at him from the foot of the bed but it was an easy night.
He was still shy of the other cats and of the big house, but seemed to be adjusting okay. I went to grab a burger for lunch and ended up sharing it with him. this was a mistake. Now every time ANY of us have food, Fluvi has to be there and wants some. I, of course, always give him some cause I like to spoil my babies. and it's any wonder that in the last 6 months he's doubled in size. Jumping back thou, it took a little time, but by the end of the second night, Momo and Fluvi were playing. They have been inseparable since. It also helped having another tabby around the house again. It really helped ease my pain by the time Rio's death anniversary came by, and of course, Fluvi isn't Rio. they are two different individuals, but Fluvi carries on Rio's legacy very well.

Well, now that I've ranted about cat's a bunch, you'd think I'd be done, right?

WRONG

SO... the day before we lost Rabbit, I went to go get another tattoo (one of Majin Buu on my left arm. it looks amazing). THAT NIGHT, I went out for karaoke with my roommate and my sister, and on the way home my roommate stopped by the gas station down a ways from our house. along the street I saw a little white cat who looked like they were looking for food. they had no collar and weighed practically nothing! I spent HOURS trying to hunt this baby down, and eventually gave up after I failed to get the cat into the roommate's car (she started the engine too soon and spooked the baby). Once I got home, I just couldn't feel okay with leaving that cat. So I went back out with a can of cat food and tried my luck again. However, I met another cat along the way and offered them some food, but in the end they weren't interested and just walked away. big cat. clearly well taken care of. However, this little thing peeked their head back out and was VERY interested in the food. after a struggle, I managed to capture the little white cat and take them home.
Now, here's the part I tell you that I fed her for a few days and then found her a good home, but that's not how this goes. None of my friends could take this little spicy baby. She (discovered she was a girl) was probably feral and did not like being cooped up or messed with. Once She got used to people and used to being fed, she started being less hostile. Still didn't like the other cats. however, Fluvi really liked her. after enough time we let her out to roam the house (got her shots too). She keeps to herself but hangs with the boys mostly. Now, we got her spayed and though we still need a good home for her, she is an accepted part of the household. She's really chilled out too. Likes headpats and kisses, and will tolerate being held for a maximum of 30 seconds. It's progress.

Let's see, what's left? I think I'm done talking about cats, but we'll see. The rest of the year was just that. Work, personal stuff, and cats. Sure, I did some cool things, like ride a train. I've had the privilege of having some wonderful friends who I've kept in touch with over the years. I know I'll make many more as time goes on too.

It's hard to think that it's been a full 10 years since I graduated high school. It's remarkable how much can change in a decade. I know I'll be saying the same thing in another 10 years, and so on. I'm not much of the sentimental type, but I do get lost in thought about it. Over all, I am hopeful. I can't help but be an optimist about things.

Well, see y'all next year.

Breaking Out

Ok, so more like Coming Out, but I can’t resist an opportunity to make a reference to Shock Treatment.

So let’s start this off right, and I’m sorry that it’s a huge jump from yesterday’s really mournful tone, but fuck it. It’s my Birthday.

In fact, because it’s my birthday I feel like today is the best day to say all this.

I am asexual.

Specifically demisexual, but I’ll explain that in a bit.

Many many many years ago, my editor and I had a roommate. They (that’s the singular they) were always queer, that’s just how we knew them. They were our first real look into queer culture outside of just homosexuality. They were pansexual, and polyamorous as well. They explained what that all meant very well. 

A few years later I discovered what Asexual meant, which in the context of human sexuality, is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Now each experience is different for each person after that point, but when I learned about it I felt like I really understood something about myself. I have had many boyfriends in the past, and as an adult I have experienced intimacy with them as well, but it wasn’t like I felt physically drawn to them in that way, I like looking at people but I always pegged that to be more because I’m an artist. 

That’s when demisexuality came into play. Demisexuality is when someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction until a strong emotion bond is formed. And boy did that make sense to me. Because I do feel it, sometimes, but only with certain people. 

Over the last year I’ve slowly dropped the hint about it, and I think my family knows now. My editor was the first person to really know and he has given me so much love as support throughout this journey. 

Now speaking of my editor, let’s talk about gender expression shall we?

He and I have never really strongly identified with our assigned gender as much as most cis people do, but we also don’t identify as the opposite nor do we experience dysphoria. But there is a term for that: demigendered. He and I both identify as demi (I a demigirl and he a demiboy) which from the outside really doesn’t look all that different, and maybe it really isn’t, but it’s something that helped us become more comfortable with ourselves and each other as we learned these things about ourselves.

Now, to top off this queer cake, let’s talk about relationships.

Remember that roommate who was polyamorous? Well, we didn’t start dating them, but we learned a lot from them. Through a lot of heartbreak, my editor realized he had feelings for another person and the discussion about polyamory was on the table. I was always ok with the idea but I was too shy to really bring it up myself. That situation didn’t end up going anywhere, but we learned a lot. It helped open up our communication as a couple that much more and now we’re pretty much each other’s wing man. And let me tell you, this is really fun!

There is another friend of mine who reached out to me online after a concert two years ago and now she and I are the best of friends. She is also insanely beautiful. We always say we love each other and support and appreciate each other. She also is fond of my editor. I always liked the idea of adding her to our big gay home but through two separate events, she ended up in some kind of advanced friendship with both my editor and myself. I’ve decided to call ourselves “gal pals” (an Internet term for people misreading lesbians) and I honestly love it. Even if things don’t go anywhere with the more intimate parts of this relationship, she is a wonderful friend and I really do love her. 

So yeah.

I’m ace and I’m polyam. 

And I figured this was the best way to celebrate both my birthday and pride month.

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. I’m all about sharing the information!

Later, Buddy.

Today was a very hard day.

For the last few months, my editor and I had watched our beloved Rio shrink down. He was always a skinny boi, but this was different. We were able to combat it by feeding him kitten chow and spoiling him with cream and meat and literally whatever food he wanted cause he demanded it. It seemed to help.

I lost the past two month attempting to work as a mail carrier, which sucked all my time and energy from me (I had left my position as a caregiver in February). I was able to get more work at the hospital which gave me June back to spend more time at home, and I’m very glad I was able to, because Rio wasn’t doing so well. He lost a lot more weight and his behavior started to change.

This last week was really the worst. He hardly left the back of my editor’s chair in the office, he would lose his balance and fall off a lot. He wouldn’t eat or drink as much. He was really weak. I had enough experience with end of life care from working at the assisted living home, but this was because it was a, a cat, and b, much more personal. 

On Friday night, we managed to convince him to stay in the bedroom and sleep between us like he used to all the time, but when my editor was about to get up, we discovered Rio had a bit of an accident and wet the bed. (My roommate’ kitten (who is actually like 3) pees on the bed all the time so we’re used to the cleanup). He didn’t move as much after that. We got him settled back in the office (and had a few more incontinence incidents) and by Monday he hardly moved at all. I let him settle on a sheep skin my parents let me use as a cat bed and set him in the window. He really appreciated it. 

I left work early on Tuesday so I could spend more time with him (and also move our bed into the office since we are going to be getting another roommate soon). He slept all day in front of the window. Both my mom and my dad came by to see him, and I’m glad they did.

We settled him on the sheepskin in the middle of the bed last night and stayed by his side all night, occasionally waking up to check on him. When I left for work this morning he was still with us, breathing very slowly. I told him I loved him and that I would see him when I came home from work.

I waited until about noon when my editor usually wakes to hear any news about Rio, and when I called him he said that he had just set Rio back in the window so he could get some sun and fresh air. I drove home on my break to check on him, which was probably the best thing I could do.

We tried to make him comfortable, cleaning off his face and giving him a little water. All of a sudden he got restless. We figured out that his ear was itchy (which it often was) so I picked him up and used a cloth to help scratch it and calm him. Then he seemed like he was trying to stretch his legs. I held him gently and let him do whatever he was trying to do. He was trembling as we tended to him. All of a sudden, he relaxed. I wasn’t sure at first, so I gave him a kiss and laid him back on the sheepskin, then I noticed he wasn’t moving at all. I held his paw in my hand, unable to move. My editor noticed too.

He was gone.

We had spent the last few days crying on and off together, anticipating this moment. Rio gave me the greatest gift he could. He let me be with him in that last moment. He waited so I could be there to say goodbye. 

It was hard, but I took him in my arms again, then wrapped him in a towel. The other cats needed to know. We let them all sniff him, before putting him in a cool spot until it was time to bury him.

Unfortunately I still had to go back to work for a few more hours. So my editor went back in the backyard and went over to the last spot Rio had chosen to lay down in, underneath the tree in the northwest corner, and dug. I had altered my family and roommates, and we planned to gather in the evening.

My Mother brought along a lovely plant, a daylilly I believe, and we planted it above him. I look forward to seeing it’s beautiful yellow flowers when it blooms. 

My Father, who was the one who brought Rio into our lives 16 years ago after rescuing him from being a stray, said a few but true words. He was a Wiley boi. Wild and fun, full of love. 

My roommates were with us as well, my friend and her husband, who brought a small bouquet of roses fro, the front yard to lay with Rio. They had been very kind to us throughout this whole process. 

My editor and I laid Rio down and said our pieces, his in poetic Latin, and mine, well I couldn’t say much. I sent him off with a milk ring to give to Torden, our other family cat who passes away this time of year a few years ago, and permission to “bite the butt” when he sees Georgia, the calico who he grew up with. 

Every twenty minutes or so, I start crying again because I’ll see something that reminds me of him, whether it’s his old food bowls, a picture, the other tabby cat who looks so much like him, or the old scars on my arms from when he attacked another cat and I had to break it up. 

I am so grateful to have been able to have him in my life, and I will miss him.

Thank you Rio. You will always be my boi.

Time May Change Me...

I got married today. We didn’t have a full wedding, or any kind of fancy ceremony, just signing some paperwork, taking some cute pictures, and then a nice lunch with my parents. All things considered, everything is still the same as it was yesterday, but maybe the feeling just hasn’t set in yet. 

I realized it’s been almost two years since my last post, and since most of you reading follow me through other media outlets, I don’t feel as bad for not being active, but let me tell you, a lot has changed.

The simple things to mention are how my husband and I (I guess he is my husband now, rather than just my editor but it still feels weird), well, we bought a house last fall and moved, bringing our roommates with us too and they live in the basement (it’s actually really great having friends so close, we all get along really well), I had to say goodbye to my loyal car at the end of January since it finally had too many problems to even crawl along with, so we replaced it with a zippy little Japanese car, and finally I left my job at the assisted living home and next month I’ll be working with the post office instead. I won’t go in to much about working at the hospital or doing ride share stuff, but I’m doing enough to get by.

Though it’s been over a year since I finished the rough draft of my novel, we haven’t quite done anything with it yet aside from realize I pretty much need to start over cause we’ve changed so much but honestly it’s for the best and I can’t wait to share the city of Oasis with all of you. 

Will I keep updating here? Probably not. But I at least wanted to make some kind of thing to commemorate today, though otherwise it was just like any other Monday.

Life is weird.

Separate Ways

Sorry to start this off with a downer, but five months ago, I received the news that my parents were separating. It took me a long time to process my feelings, and I still don't know how to handle it all. I've gone through many phases of sadness and anger and acceptance, then back to sadness and anger again. Depends on the day, really. And I've come to understand and know more and more about the things that happened before I could even begin to look outside my own universe, the more and more I feel conflicted. However, I feel it is time I speak up a little and at least let those around me know what I am going through, not that I ever really hid it, now I'm just using the Internet to talk.

As life progresses, we all gain friends, and we all lose friends. Human interpersonal relationships are hard to simplify because they are all so complex. Luckily, I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with many of my friends and gain a lot of new ones. I feel like I have a wonderful community and consider most of them to be family. However I know many others who are not as lucky as I and are currently engaged in turmoil with those who would be known as formerly close to them. It's not easy, especially to see it up close, but if there is anything I have learned from my own past, is that sometimes it is best for people to go their separate ways. Some need to have the hint spelled much more plainly if it is something they are resisting, especially if they are in denial about the circumstances that led to such a predicament, and I understand that too, since I was once in a similar situation. (Sorry)

Good news is that life goes on and things change as naturally as the seasons come and go. I think I will skip the excited nerd rant for tonight, but I want you all to know that I am ok, or at least I will be ok. I'm doing alright because of all of those whom I love and trust, to which I thank you. I am working hard and working on creating things again. I'm not giving up on fighting, I've only just begun.

Ok. I'll stop being introspective now. Back to memes.

Countdown to 5 years: 5 reasons why I love you: 5

On March 19, 2011, my relationship with my editor began. We've been through a lot since then, but I wanted to take a quick moment on the five days leading to our official anniversary by saying one thing about my editor that l love. (Wow, that was a run on sentence. Sorry.)

There are way too many 5s in that title.

If there is something that you have never failed to do, it's to inspire me. Everything from how you look when you do things, to when you begin to ranble philosophically and so on. You inspire me to do art and to better myself. You inspire me to learn and to challenge things. You inspire me to do so much and it makes me happy to no end to know I do the same for you.

Recently, you've started drawing again. You used to just draw scientific things and dinosaurs (or really late Triassic crocodillian creatures). But you have started to just draw on your own, small things here and there like landscapes, and now you've focused on developing your own character from D&D. You have put a lot of time and effort into Atillus, and your art has improved so much over such a short period of time. You make me so proud that I was able to inspire you to create. You have also helped me so much with the progression of my story, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I was just starting to changed and add more characters to my story when I met you, and you made such an impact on me then I have based a major character on you. The small things you do make me think of how I want him to be portrayed, from your endless kindness and understanding, to your little quirks like going off and making philosophical speeches. From your gentle eyes to your loving smile, you have helped me make this character more than just that. And you know this. You also inspire me to make the story much more coherent and fluid. Thanks to you I'm turning it from where it started as a simple fantasy-esque tale to an in depth alternate history and hard scifi. You've helped me work out major plot details and universe building, and our conversations about it are some of my favorites to be had, especially when you enjoy talking about it as much as I do. Elements has always been a big part of my life and you whole heartedly embraced it from day one, and that means the world to me.

Thank you for always listening and being an ear I can bounce ideas off of.

Countdown to 5 years: 5 reasons why I love you: 4

On March 19, 2011, my relationship with my editor began. We've been through a lot since then, but I wanted to take a quick moment on the five days leading to our official anniversary by saying one thing about my editor that l love. (Wow, that was a run on sentence. Sorry.)

I once made a post on Facebook about how you always inspire my adventurous spirit, and it remains true to this day. Getting out and being able to explore this world with you is one of my favorite things ever, mostly because I get to do it with you. Honestly I don't care if it's the real world we are exploring or some fictional world, it's way more fun being together. We have traversed many lands together.

We've driven across the country multiple times and flew around it a few as well, especially last year. Our first trip together was when we went from where you lived in New Mexico all the way Wichita Falls for the damnned YuGiOh movie. The second was when you come up with me and my mother to visit where we live now (and we know how that turned out). After we moved up here we went back down to New Mexico to help my parents move to South Carolina. Our first spring break after getting together, we went and explored the California desert. We go out on walks all the time and end up and some restaurant we've never been to just on a whim. And don't even get me started on our trips to Austin, TX. But it's not just traveling with you that's fun.

The unbelievable amount of time we have spent in Minecraft or in 7 Days to Die, building and exploring those worlds, I love spending time with you doing that. I don't even want to play on my own because playing with you is so much fun. We've learned how to compliment each other's style of play in a Halo firefight, you being the marksman and I the firebird. You also love watching me play other video games. You've witnessed me save the galaxy so many times, stop sociopathic AIs, and be the Hero of Time over and over and over. You even like watching me play Animal Crossing where I'm just doing small things here and there for my town (and by the way I still want to record our let's play in it, hopefully next week). I think one of our biggest accomplishments right now is how we have successfully completed Fallout 4, which is a single player game, cooperatively. We made a joint character and made choices in the game together. I thought it was going to be as hard as playing Portal 2's co-op mode but it was really easy. I would play and then you would play and we would switch back and forth whenever the other wanted (though I did hog it a lot and I'm sorry but I needed to get Hancock to love me)!

One other thing that I love is how much you show that you want to be a part of MY universe. You've sat with me and watched and read story after story and have better understood me thanks to them. That means the world to me! I can't ever really show just how much it does but even the small things like that are what I look back on fondly. You are my partner, my comrade, you have become an essential part of my being and I do not regret one second of it!