You can delete a post, but you can't delete a memory.

If you'll allow me to hop on my little soapbox here, I've got a bone to pick with you, Internet. 

This is something that has always bothered me, when people delete old posts or things as if they wan to pretend they never happened. Sure, it's one thing if you made a silly mistake or are embarrassed by it, but that means you should recognize why you posted it in the first place and correct it if you want to change it, not remove it from existence. Ok, this is a bad way of explaining it, so let me try again.

When I was in high school, I was really weird, hell, I've been weird my whole life. A lot of things about my past are things I find embarrassing. I was obnoxious, creepy, and just weird in general. But I also was just being myself at those times, sure at the time all I wanted was to be acknowledged as a normal person, but now I don't care. So when I look at a lot of my old drawings, I can't help but shake my head. Did I really do this? What was I thinking? 

For a while, I wanted to delete all those old posts, or at least hide them, but I never did. As embarrassing as those things are, that was still who I was. That was still me. It's not who I am now, but it is still a part of me, it is one of many aspects of myself that helped develop the person I am today. And I will be saying the same thing about myself in a year or so. I am always changing, and just because I'm changing doesn't mean I should be ashamed of where I came from. 

If I were to delete all my old posts, I would be betraying the memory they represent, and I would be betraying who I was at the time, so I would be betraying myself. 

Just because something represents something different that what you are now, doesn't mean you can't still show it off as a representation of your life at the time?

So I have a big problem with people who do that. But I also have a bigger problem with people who think they can just block out all the things that upset them, and that includes people. This is mostly relevant to Facebook and other places like that, and I can understand if you block someone if they are legitimately harassing you. But just because someone has a differing opinion on something or posts something that offends you, doesn't mean you should completely block them from existence. Even if their opinion is bad or wrong, they don't deserve to be shunned. Internet fights are a huge pain and more often then not, they go nowhere, but removing someone's ability to respond just ends the conflict, it doesn't solve it. Take that to mean what you will. I keep a lot of people on my friends list who  post a ridiculous amount of offensive things, and sure, I get upset at them, but I never block them because they said something I didn't like. People get a little too upset and act in very petty ways on the Internet, for many reasons that I don't have the ability to fully explain to you. (And I feel the same way about defriending someone).

I'm also one of those people who doesn't post every aspect of their lives on the Internet, so it really doesn't matter to me.  

Ok, I'm getting off the soapbox now.

And as I looked around I began to notice That we were nothing like the rest

I I can't decide on what I want to be doing right now. Part of me wants to go to sleep, part of me wants to stay up and watch all the things, part of me wants to draw until dawn, and another part wants to go outside and pick a direction and run. I'm also easily distracted an d discouraged, so I'm calling it a night. 

It was an ok day overall. Nothing special happened, nothing changed, so it's just meh. 

The more and more time I spend wasting on the Internet, the more and more I miss my editor. I miss having someone to go on adventures with. I miss the company, I miss the little world we created together. I know it won't be long before he visits, but there is still quite some time between now and then. 

Last night I dreamt that he and I were house hunting, and we were trying to find a place similar to the house we used to live in when I lived in New Mexico, but smaller. It makes me really want to start searching for a new home, but I don't know where I want to go. Not to mention all the other obstacles to overcome. 

Who knows. . . 

Where is my mom now that I need her

So as I came into work today, I noticed a whole plethora of potted plants scattered around one of the fireplaces. I didn't know what they were doing there, but one of my coworkers said that we could take them home. 

Upon further inspection, most of the plants over there were mostly dead, and for some, completely dead. 

You know, I had just thought to myself earlier today that I ought to replant my garden as soon as the weather gets better, but this is a little ridiculous. My biggest problem is I don't know if I will be able to save any of these plants. They are all in pretty bad shape. If my mom was here she'd have more of an idea on where to start and how to get them to perk back up, but I don't know anything about gardening! I can barely keep a Christmas tree alive when I have one! 

Now, there is the option to not get any plants, to which I say, ARE YOU CRAZY!?! They are free!!! Hopefully I'll be able to revive thre ones I do take, but I have yet to get to that point. As soon as I'm home, I get to come right back with my car and load up whatever is left. 

I call dibs on at least the daffodils. 

First world problems

It's going to be a very long week for me. Yesterday when I got off work, the touch pad on my phone stopped working. Everything else on the phone still works, but I can't access it if it doesn't respond to touch anymore. My replacement phone will be here on Friday, but it's going to really suck without a phone until then. I have to make due with just my iPad, but that's only if I have wifi. 

This is so wrong, how tough life is without our electronics. It's sad how quickly our lives fall apart. 

It's ok though because I'll manage. I just, won't be able to compulsively check anything or contact my family as conviniently. 

It's still going to suck though. 

Here's a cat. 

It could have been you, it could have been me.

The other night when I was on my grand adventure to find some tempura, something incredible happened. It's important to know what happened prior to this moment, so lets start there.

as you all know, I often buy lottery tickets, and on occasion, I win something. It was only 4 dollars, but hey, its better than nothing! So I went to go cash it, also thinking that it was a different day then it was. There was a special promotion for the mega millions, buy $10 worth of tickets, get one draw free, but it only applied on the days when it was drawn. That's why I walked all the way to the grocery store I frequent, rather than something closer.

Knowing that I would have to return tomorrow, I headed back towards my home and my original goal of finding food. There is a Thai/Japanese restaurant close to where I live, and it has pretty good food, too.


right next door to it, there is a dispensary. This serves as a possible explanation for what was about to happen. I was about to cross the street to the restaurant. When lying on the sidewalk in front of me was a rather large pile of cash. It had looked like it had fallen out of someone's pocket. Judging by the amount and by the scent of the cash, I imagine its owner had gone too or came from the dispensary.

I picked up all the cash, looked around to see anyone who might have dropped it, but there was nobody around except people in their cars nearby who didn't seem to notice, and one person across the street who was heading the same direction as I was. I felt bad, because once I counted it all up, it equaled as much as a weeks worth of pay for me. That is a lot to have just fall out of your pocket. I hope who ever this money belonged to before is well off enough for it not to have mattered too much.

while anybody else might have been celebrating, I can't help but feel bad for not being able to find who it really belongs to. I don't want to immediately spend it, though if I do, it will most likely go to bills. I don't feel lucky at all, I feel guilty for having something this important and not being able to return it.

its stupid, I know.

Don't Lose Your Way

today, not only have I confirmed to myself how bad I am at following directions, but its also making me question what I actually want to do with my life. I don't know if you know this, but writing is hard, and so is drawing. And since I seriously need help doing the writing part, i don't know if I'll ever make anything coherent out of my story. That makes me frustrated.

I've known this for a while, that my biggest weakness when it comes to writing is dialogue. I can't seem to make a conversation sound natural. To be fair, I'm pretty bad at making conversation in real life, so its no big surprise. That's why I'm really glad to have my editor, because he helps me with a lot of things. BUTJESNOTHERERIGHTNOWISHE?!?! He always helps me bounce idea off of him and gives good direction when it comes to the progression of a story.

without him around, i feel like I'm only running at 65% capacity, rather than my normal of 85+. Though i am finishing a lot more drawings, I'm only half satisfied with them. Maybe i just need to try harder or focus more. I don't want to give up, i just don't know which direction to go.

maybe I'll start by going and getting tempura. . .

Solid

part of what I wanted to do on Sunday was I wanted to go to a salon and get a manicure and a pedicure. I woke up just after 1pm, and I didn't get out of the house to run errands until later, if I had chosen to go to a salon first, rather than the thrift store, I would have had enough time. But when I got out, the closest salon closed at 5pm, and it was already 4:50pm, and I didn't want to be that asshole.

so I skipped out on getting pampered, or at least paying for it. After I got most of my laundry finished, I contemplated using the little wash basin I had to soak my hands and feet and give myself a manipedi. I thought about it for maybe 5 minutes before I filled it with hot water and began my soak. Boy, it was nice.

so nice that I did the same thing yesterday. It is a little painful boiling your feet, but once the water cools, its not so bad!

I also decided to paint my nails on Monday, thinking that Tuesday was Mardi Gras, but that wasn't for another two weeks! Which got me thinking. . .

do the stores here realize there is another holiday between valentines day and saint Patrick's day? Just because this isn't the south doesn't mean we can't celebrate Mardi Gras!?! I mean, that's one if my favorite holidays!

just think of the king cake!!!

not to mention that green, purple, and gold are some of my favorite colors.

Two Birds With One Stone

all of Monday, I had one phrase stuck in my head:
一石二鳥-one stone two birds.

and for the life of me, I couldn't think if a post to write about for it. The phrase was just stuck in my head, it didn't really mean anything, but it was still there.

so I sat around and did pretty much nothing for two days, and here I am.

I think the last thing I wanted to mention about Sunday was what I tried to make for dinner, ok, two things.

I finally got around to getting more groceries, so I attempted to make some ToriKatsu, which is a fried chicken cutlet, and I did an ok job, especially since I used tempura batter. The rice wasn't cooked right but I didn't care. I was hungry. Actually, that sounds really good right now.

anyway, the second things I wanted to mention, well, I'm going to write about that later, because I said so.

:P

We are the Hunters

I don't know how to describe the last few days. I suppose I should start where I left off from my last post. It was raining. Yes. Yes it was. But in the good kind of way. When I went home that morning, it was so beautiful outside. So lovely that I opened all my windows just a little bit before going to sleep. It made the whole day rather enjoyable, but it got cold, so I closed them. That's one of the things I like about summertime, how warm and cool the nights are, getting to sleep with your windows open, listening to the mixture of sounds that are outside. I am slowly becoming more and more ready for summer again. However, we still have to get through spring, and I'm not looking forward to that.

anyway, I slept til 1, got up and went to work. Someone called out so I had to take over for them, leaving us with no extra person, which made the night such majorly.

I was offered to work again tonight, but declined because I need to do housework, mostly laundry. I'm running out of clean clothes.

so that's what I've been doing today. I ran a couple errands and now I'm back, trying to stay focused. Not too long ago it started raining pretty heavily. I like the smell of rain, so I don't mind it.

ok, this is just turning into a mess, I'm going to stop before it gets too weird.


also, shout out to my friend the multi-artisit. Its her birfday.

It's a cruel, crazy, beautiful world

it may have only been a few hours since my last post and its rather panicked atmosphere, but things have really calmed down.

I remember a post from a long while ago, I had gone outside to take out the trash and the wind was blowing in such a way that it reminded me of where I used to live in the California desert. The wind wasn't as harsh as it was earlier, but it did blow in a bit of rain. However, the sky was practically clear out expect for a few clouds blocking the moon over the western mountains. It was so beautiful and nostalgic, I didn't want to come back inside. The only thing missing was the smell of the creosote bushes that filled the air when it rained in that desert.

back in high school, we had to be up early enough in the morning to catch a bus that left at 6am. Throughout most of the spring and autumn, we would get light early morning showers like the one today. The brisk but warm air, the sharp scent floating in the wind, the dry dampness that swam around you.

I miss those days.

for our first true spring break together, my editor and I drove out to the Mojave for a number of reasons. The one night we were on that old army post, it rained. We were actually in a movie at the time, so when we left, it was pouring rain. It was one of the many things I was glad I got to share with him. Since his hometown is also in the desert, he appreciates the desert rains, however, they are drastically different from the ones I was used too.

still. . .

Adrenaline Rush

So here I am, struggling to stay awake while I'm working overnight, and the power goes out. Its been so windy for the last few hours, I guess something happened that caused the power to surge. It was only mostly terrifying.

Since the power surge scared me, I'm feeling a little more awake, but I feel like I'm more likely to crash later. More than anything, I don't really know what to do if the power goes out for longer than 3 seconds, let alone if the extreme wind causes any damage. I'm not ready for something like that.

there also may or may not be a possibility of it raining tonight, and that I know for a fact I'm not ready to deal with. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting a bit. Ok, I know I'm overreacting, but that doesn't mean that the concerns aren't something to completely ignore.

I'll just try to take it easy for the rest of the night. Until I can go home and go to sleep.

Y'all gonna make me lose my mind

Have I ever mention how much of a total dweeb I am, or is it just that obvious?

a week ago, I finally started watching the most popular anime of 2013, not only was I hooked immediately, but I've already finished the show and marathoned through the manga too! Now I'm all caught up and I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just as confused as before, but now I can't escape from the series. Not that it's a bad thing. . .

don't worry though, I do this with other series too! I have for a long time and there is no way in hell I'm stopping any time soon! I was honestly amazed how fast I got through everything! I read the chapters so quickly that I was done before you knew it! At one point, my sister pried me away to get frozen yogurt, but as soon as we were back, BAM! there I was again.

don't get me wrong, I'm actually really happy about all this! I'm excited and inspired! I have something else to look forward too, and since its such a popular show, I can be a total fangirl about it with others! Hooray!!!

life it good.

Full Circle

Some days in ready to drop everything and go on a rampage. I get so frustrated with everything that I want to run away, or something like that. It gets so insane sometimes, but the only thing I can really do is go on a walk to calm myself down.

although, having that surge of emotion is great for my creative side. I think of so many interesting ideas that I want to draw out in some way. It really does help having an outlet for stuff like that, you know?

usually, if I get upset about something, it sends me on a roller coaster of emotions. It usually starts with irritation, than into rage, than into madness, then there is a moment of calm, then it boils into sadness, and then its back to normal.

usually, I get more upset at myself for being upset in the first place. Oh well, emotions are weird like that.

Those winter days

Since I've done nothing this week besides complain about how tired I am from working nonstop and how I've been putting off my homework, let me instead tell you about my day so far, which is a result of the previous two things I mentioned.

After scrambling to finish some kind of homework which I left early from a birthday party to do, I resided myself to defeat and went to bed after midnight. In my last post, I described the disaster of a dream I had, so that was kind of the base for my day. Just after noon, the animals around the house finally convinced me to get out of bed and feed them. After finishing the show I had been waiting, I decided to reflect on my life thus far in the bathtub. The bath was nice and relaxing, especially since all the animals kept opening the door to visit with me.

as far as I knew, the weather was so so, still cold, but whatever. By the time I had gotten dressed and decided I was to venture out into the world in search of food, it had begun to snow. I was ok with this, because its always warmer when its snowing. And I just genuinely like the snow. With my phone and wallet in hand, I left the safety and warmth of my home and went on an adventure.

As always, when I walk somewhere, I like to talk to people. And since my editor isn't here and I didn't feel like lugging around my iPad to listen to music, I started my chain if phone calls. The first person I called was my friend, the multi-artist, you know, the one I kidnapped back in August. We takes about this and that and that and this, and eventually we ended our conversation. So, after that I gave another friend a call. This guy, well, we dated for a bit back in high school, and he's also an artist, but recently he has really gotten into music, and has even started his own band. They are pretty good too! Anyway, I bothered him for a bit, but he was busy so I let him do his thing.

so, now what, well, when in doubt, call your mom! And so I did. She was running a few errands so I we didn't talk for long.

then I gave my big brother a call. Though we are not related, he's always been kind of a big bro to me, even though we don't talk that much, its kind of a habit to call him that. He was also a bit busy, so that didn't last long. I eventually called a very good friend of mine from high school, who I always need to talk to more. She accompanied me for the rest of my adventure to find food, and it was good to talk to her again. She is a very unique person, and I wish we lived closer so we could hang out more.

I had a quick snack and drink at one local cafe, but I was still a little hungry. I decided to wander up to another local favorite, an Americanized sushi bar. I don't like seafood, but they do make an amazing Japanese style curry. So I ate some, and had some sake. God I love sake.

actually, I'm still at that restaurant. As I'm typing, I'm trying to finish my drink before I venture back out into the cold. Its going to be long walk home, so I wonder who I'm going to call next.

It always ends up back here.

perhaps it was the combination of watching the walking dead and attack on titan, but my mind was an absolute jumble last night. Perhaps it was also because I was so tired, but I ended up having the weirdest sequence of dreams. They all had a few common themes: bizarre situations, recognizable people (friends and family), stress, and violence.

after a bit of what appeared to be a conflict if romantic interests, I was 'flying' around this almost game over world area. There was a lot of water, almost like it was a swamp. For whatever reason, the people who I recognized as my friends began pursuing me, criticizing me about the things I have gone through. I remember being very frightened and I was agitated. For whatever reason (probably because it was a dream), I had abilities that I didn't have normally. I was able to levitate and leap around, I could move my surroundings almost telepathically. At one point, I fled to this pond area that contained a koi fish that was twice my size. I remember I tried to move the water around, possibly so the fish could get to its food, but I didn't know. I clung to a tree to avoid the water, and that's when I was found again.

I don't know what caused this to happen, but I had summoned a massive amount of water, with the intent to flood out those who pursued me. I was tired of what they were trying to say, so I literally drowned them out (ba dum tss). I wanted to be left alone, so I made sure I was able to.

note: I am extremely afraid of big water. This was actually a point that was mentioned in an earlier part of the dream. I find it very odd that I would use it as a means of attack. I also remember swimming around in the dream after I flooded everything (it kind of turned into Rapture from Bioshock). I tried finding the other people, but I think it was at that point when the dream changed direction.

I'm not one to analyze my dreams like they actually mean something, but there is no question about how they influence the coming day. I feel a lot of the emotions I felt, I am reminded by them when I talk with someone who was present in the dream. Though none of it was real, I feel like I'm compelled to relive some of the dream, like it is a premonition, or fate.

its stupid, I know. But its just what happens. Fear not, because I don't actually have any powers and I certainly don't have the ability to summon a flood. Trust me.

Here I Stand, and Here I'll Stay

I'm having a hard time remembering whether or not I signed up for any more morning shifts. . . I'm pretty sure I didn't, because I definitely don't want to be awake at this time of the day. I know I picked up an overnight on Valentines day, but that's it.

it's times like these that I want to go back in time and slap my former self for agreeing to work so much. However, my future self would then come back in time and hit me because I need the money. Funny how that works.

but seriously, when I looked at my alarm this morning, I nearly cried. I didn't want to be awake, especially since I had only been asleep for four hours. I chose to shower before I went to sleep because I desperately needed it, and if I showered in the morning, that means I would have had to wake up earlier.

I really ought to go eat something, or at least drink some coffee. Right now I'm just counting down until I'm off work. I still have homework to do after all.

Today For You, Tomorrow For Me

why do I keep doing this to myself? I agreed to work the early morning shift for both today and tomorrow, and yesterday, someone asked me to work their evening shift. Of course I said yes, and I knew I would regret saying it, but I really need to work as much as possible. I'm absolutely exhausted, and I want to get off my feet for a while. But alas, the shift is not over. I've been here since 5am and I was lucky enough to sneak away for an hour and a half to go buy fish food. I'm off at 11pm, but tomorrow I get to repeat it all. Ok, not all of it, but the first half.

I got a last minute invite to a birthday party, so my plans of switching to work in the evening are gone, and instead I'm going to have a social life!!! Yay!

I have to remember to make time to do all my school work, which I am not looking forward to, but it has to be done. I never did finish my Japanese homework from the other day, so I gotta do that.

I was seriously considering skipping class because I was so tired, but I went away. Though, I did manage to go to bed at 8pm, thought tonight I won't be so lucky.

if I have time, I'll write something. But until then. . .

I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow

I fought with the world this morning until it forced me out of bed around 11 this morning, to which I looked at the thermostat and saw that it was a lovely 58 degrees. . . Inside the house. Right now, its a couple degrees below freezing, and boy does it feel like it.

I'm working two shifts tonight, evening and overnight, then I get to go to school. I'm not going to get any sleep until possibly Saturday night, because I work at 5am on Friday and Saturday. I'm thrilled, as you can see. My only goal is to try and get some homework done and if not, I've got some programs I can watch to keep me awake.

as I'm working on the assignment that is due tonight, I'm realizing just how much I miss my editor. I need him around to help me with my homework. Now I have to do it all by myself and get him to review it later, and that just isn't as fun.

the weather channel keeps telling me that its just cloudy and cold, even though it was mist-snowing all day until now. Its honestly too cold to snow. However, my editor said that it was snowing down where he is, so they pretty much shut the whole town down. Hooray, I guess.

I'm going to try and get as much done as I can tonight, and if I get too cold, I know where they keep the blankets.

we're the ones going. . .

About three and a half years ago, I spent five weeks away from my home while I attended management training. Though the training was in a place I lived as a child, it was a very lonely experience.

last night, I was reminded of how I felt back then. Maybe it was the music I was listening to, or maybe it was the weather, but I couldn't help but be consumed by nostalgia. I don't want the next six months to be a repeat of those days. It wasn't so bad, but everyday I was waiting for the next to hurry up until it was time to leave. I played Homecoming by Green Day a lot.

though, I am glad I'm at least in my own home (of sorts), at least with my pets. Five weeks with no kitties is too long. I can barely go five days without some kitty belly.

right. Didn't accomplish anything today. Busy tomorrow. Bedtime.

What time is it?

so in my editor's absence, I have sought the comfort of a show that I had been putting off watching. I am familiar with the producers and have hear a lot of good things about it, so I finally checked it out for myself. And which show am I talking about? Why, I'm talking about Adventure Time!

It doesn't have that much direction but its really enjoyable. The universe is well set up and I am genuinely entertained by it. Its also fun how many voice actors I recognize, including George Takei. So, props for that!

but you may be saying, why, adventure time is a kids show, and to which I reply, so is my little pony friendship is magic, and it has a larger adult fanbase than it's childrens fanbase. So there.

in all seriousness, I feel it is perfectly normal for non-kids to enjoy kids shows. I mean, unless you are really invested in the story line of baby Einstein or something, don't see anything wrong with it. These are shows written for kids by adults, but there isn't any rules against other age groups liking them. Its something I'd like to call as an "all age" show.

for example, shows like South Park are directed towards an adult audience, while shows like the Simpsons have adult themes, but can still be enjoyed by the younger crowd. Adventure Time and My Little Pony are no different, only their focus is towards kids but they also have mature elements and themes. You know, for learning and stuff.

I know I said all this poorly, but ultimately what I'm trying to say is that I find no shame in watching and enjoying cartoons, and I will never be ashamed of it. Besides, its no different than an adult getting excited for the next Disney movie. . .

#nostalgia

Don't want to be all by myself

when my mom first started her blog, it was all about her and my father's adventures with their "park" and with all their animals, or something like that. Right around the end of last April (I think), my dad went off to who knows where for a year long deployment (which is quickly turning into a year+ deployment). I was the day before or the day of (I forget) his departure when I really started reading her blog. The first thing I read was how she didn't want him to leave and how she really loves him. I had to stop at that point because I was at work and that was not the place to be crying my eyes out.

it was an odd thing to realize, knowing how much my parents do care about each other, regardless of how often they fought when I was younger. They have a very strong relationship and it has taught me that things are worth working through the hardships because it makes the good parts that much better. It makes me feel a bit better, knowing that they didn't just stay together for mine and my sister's sake, but for their own sakes as well.

about an hour before I had to go to work, my editor left for his 6 month long internship. Its going to be lonely without him around. It won't be nearly as bad as what my mom has been going through with my dad gone, but I sympathize and understand her feelings. We spent last night cleaning up what we could and finished packing up his truck this morning.

neither of us wanted to leave the other, but we keep having to tell ourselves that this is for the best. This is a chance for both of us to take a step back and take a good look at our lives and our relationship. We're been through a lot already, so this should be easy, right?

I just hope the weather stays clear while he's on the road.

(link to my moms blog because reasons)
http://scenesfromsmithpark.blogspot.com/?m=1

go read ALL OF IT

what are you waiting for?

The snow has set my editor's departure back by at least a day. Which is good because that means he can clean my room while at work. #whatgoodboyfriendsarefor

I'm happy I get to stay with him for a little longer, especially since we accomplished nothing in our to list yesterday. I really wish I could motivate myself to do something besides watch YouTube, but I just get so tired. If we aren't able to wake up early, we might as well stay up and clean, like we intended to last night.

a lot of you are probably telling me to not worry about cleaning and spend time with him, and the rest of you are probably telling me I should have cleaned earlier, to which I respond with a "ppppttttttthhhhhhbbbbbbbbb."

when its all cold and snowy like this, I don't want to do much of anything, especially if it requires pants.

at least my editor is doing laundry. That will clear up a lot of the clutter in ny room...