Jean

Five years ago, my grandmother passed away. As soon as we found out she was in the hospital and probably wasn't going to make it, we drove up from where we were in New Mexico. I remember sitting in the car ride up, staring out the window, thinking all these thoughts that I don't quite have words for.

We arrived at the hospital around 9pm, and this was just after she stopped speaking. All of my family stood around her hospital room, speaking softly to one another. at one point, there might have been a joke that slipped out and one of my aunts replied with, "do you mind, we are trying to have a death here!" We all couldn't help laugh and it improved the somber mood.

I remember when I was able to sit by my grandmothers side and hold her hand. They told us she didn't want to have her hand pet or stroked, but it was kind of instinctive to. I wanted to say something to her, anything, but my throat was swollen as it was all I could do not to be in tears. I felt her hand squeeze mine, and I like to think that she knew I was there, but in reality I have no way of knowing. I don't remember how long I was there, but I know that when she did pass, my father and I were at her side, and the rest of our family was close.

She was an incredible person, and I have very fond memories of her. I try not to focus on her death so much, Instead when I tell stories of her, I share the other memories I have, like how often she took me and my sister to the arts and sciences museum that was in town. Or how no matter how old I was, anytime I went to visit her home, I would play with this little plastic train set (which is now in my possession). Or the mint lemonade that she always made. OH THE LEMONADE!!!

But not today. Today is the anniversary of her death, to which, since I moved here, I have always gone and visited her grave. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go today, so instead, I'm writing about it. The cemetery where her body resides is actually not far from my home. It is kind of funny, but for my whole life, we have lived so far apart, yet now that I actually live in the same state she did, she's only down the road. I can still visit her, but it is very different from how I used to visit her.

Working at the assisted living home that I do now, it really makes me think about her and what her life might have been like up until she died. I hope that her way of life was a lot more fulfilling and enjoyable than it is for some of the residents that I've seen. I miss her greatly, but I wouldn't want her to have to live an uneventful life if that was all that was left for her.

One of these days I'll tell one of my stories about visiting her. But for now, this is all I need to say.