Standing on the soapbox

My desire to keep writing on time since the semester ended seems to have come to a halt. Not for a lack of ideas and topics, I just generally do have the drive to want to write. Maybe it's because I'm ready to hibernate, or that I just want to focus on enjoying the holiday, or perhaps its because I'm trying to hold together my personal life as it's falling apart.

It's no secret that I've been through a lot, and whatever I have received, I worked very hard for. This greatly reflects my world view. I strongly believe that nothing comes without sacrifice. Not necessarily in a big, scary way, but a very basic "equivalent exchange" kind of thing. Part of this is from what I've learned from watching so much anime, and the other part is from experience.

think of something basic, for example. I like to play video games, and they tend to be expensive. In order to afford them, I have to work my butt off, meaning I don't necessarily have time for socializing, if I also want to spend time playing games. I chose to sacrifice my social life to work and earn something I wanted. That, and I tend to be rather introverted, so yeah.

I could give more examples but they would all be very similar. For the argument "why can't I just have my cake and eat it too?" I'd respond with"what are you willing to do to make it happen?"

this also means I'm the kind of person who will works for what she wants, meaning if everyone else is in a humbug because of many reasons, and I really want a Christmas tree, I will get it myself and take care of it by myself if I'm the only one who actually wants it. This makes me kind of an asshole, but at the same time, I'll go off and do my own thing if everyone else is being unreasonable or stubborn.

another part of my core beliefs is that if there is a problem, then it needs to be addressed, understood, and fixed. Even the worst kind of problems or mistakes need to be taken care of properly. There is usually some kind of reason when bad things happen, but they may not always be done by bad people, just people who made a bad decision. This isn't always the case, but I tend to give people the benefit of doubt, within reason.

so yeah, I get frustrated when people start throwing around blame and a punishment as if it is some kind of devine justice. I feel that blaming people may make you feel better, but ultimately, its pointless. Yes, there are causes for everything, and properly acknowledgment of them needs to happen. But when someone is like "*** is all *** fault" or "if it weren't for ****, **** wouldn't've *****." or something. Same thing with unjustifiable anger or holding grudges. If you are going to never let something go for whatever reason, you are becoming part of the problem. Now, if something bad happens to you, I don't think you should have to forget about it, or completely forgive them, but if you step out of your comfort zone and try to understand what happened, it might help you move forward. Its certainly a lot harder to do, but in the end it makes you a stronger person and whomever might have wronged you help "fix" their mistake.

the problem of my way of doing this is that it looks very weird from the outside. It may look like a"forgive and forget" kind if things or pretending something didn't happen, but that is because they unfortunately look very similar. If someone isn't angry, someone might think that no process is happening. Everything takes time, and nothing comes easy.
it makes sense if you don't think about it.

I'm just afraid people might think I'm just acting like an old 50's wife, trying to cover up all the dirty little secrets and problems to put on a good face in case the neighborhood starts talking. "oh what would the ******s think?!?" kind of crap. I may not want to talk about the specifics, but I'm not afraid to say that I've gone through shit, and had to deal with a lot of shit, and honestly, its not all that bad. Its not the worst. I've come a long way and I've put a lot of effort into making my life the way I want it to be, given what I've got. And I do it all willingly, because that is my choice and its what I believe.

I'm a lot stronger than look.
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