Expecting the Unexpected

After not working for over a week, I didn't know what I was in for. I didn't even know whether or not I was actually going to work. One of my coworkers is/was pregnant and her due date was yesterday. I'm assuming that since she is not here, she is taking it easy and not overworking herself.

when I come in every day, I always check at the front desk to check for updates, mostly regarding residents and if they have passed away. I saw two. One, who just started living here not that long ago and who's health had rapidly declined, and the other who's health was questionable, as it went up and down frequently. The second passed away this morning. There was a third who's health had also declined within the last month.

I often took care of him and his wife, whom I had mixed feelings about. She is a little hard to handle for many reasons, and she seemed to become easier irritated by her husband. When he first started getting sick, she had a bit of a change of character. He was in the hospital for a while, and she became very quiet and rather easy to deal with. It showed that she really still does care about him.

when I came in today, I was told to expect him not to last much longer. I've checked on him at least every hour, if not more frequently. He never moved, he just lied there, breathing heavily. At one point, there was someone from hospice who was with him, and she told me that his breathing was what is considered "end of life" breathing.

sure enough, she was right. We were all expecting it, we just didn't know when. I checked on him not to long ago, and that was when I saw him. He was completely still.

the rest of the process is just work related and jargon, but still. . .

is it because I was anticipating this moment that is why it doesn't really bother me? I know there wasn't anything anybody could do about it but wait.

I think what bothered me about this whole thing is how he was breathing. A few years ago when I lost my grandmother, she was in the exact same state when we finally saw her. We all were there for that last moment, and I was right by her side. I wonder, if what I'm feeling is because I'm reminded of my memories and my own experiences, and that's why it feels weird.

I'm even more upset over one of my favorite residents moving out. We had really bonded and I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye. I saw her husband today and told her to give her my regards. I understand why she had to leave and I guess it can't be helped. It is possible I will see her again, and I'm happy she is ok, I'm just going to miss her a whole lot. I hope we at least made her happy, and the same could be said for all the residents. . .

all this was bound to happen sooner or later. . .