waiting for the ball to drop

Today has not been the best, and I guess it reflects the past year a little. I've been mopey and grumpy all day, and I just want to go home at this point.

I have to be grateful, I get two full days off starting tomorrow, but I have so much to accomplish, I don't really will have time off.

back when I was in elementary school, all the classes put on a little musical number of sorts. I remember very well the tune we sang. It started out as that new years song, auld ling syne, or something, but turned into this sweet little jingle about us kid's new years resolutions. As a message to our parents, it was all about us being better children, going to bed on time and eating all of our dinner, etc. Over the years, I've forgotten most of the song, but it still resonates with me.

I don't know if I will bother having a resolution this year, besides the typical ones of "do better, lose weight, make more money, etc" but I want to have some kind of goal.

if only I could figure out what it should be. . .

Don't forget to love

I'm in kind of a dilemma. At some points, I want to keep my distance from the residents and maintain a strictly professional relationship, however, there are those who are such wonderful people that I don't mind getting attached to. And of course there are those who I just genuinely like and those who I dislike, but I digress.

many of the residents here are on hospice care, meaning whatever they have will cause them to die within a certain time frame. Some of them who aren't total grumps are some of the kindest people here. There is one gentlemen in particular who is so sweet and kind, its hard not to absolutely love him. When you see him, he always smiles, and is very charming. Sometimes he will sing a little, sometimes he compliments everything about you. In other words, he is the most adorable old man in the universe. I always want to help him, and I feel happy seeing him when he's happy.

its a little upsetting to remember that there is no "getting better" for him. One of these days, I'll have to say goodbye to him.

no matter what happens though, I at least want him to always have a reason to smile, because he makes us all smile so much.


on the other hand, is it wrong to play favorites?

I will make you queen if everything you see

"And since we know that dreams are dead,

And life turns plans up on their head,

I will plan to be a bum,

So I just might become someone."

I don't know why, but that last line really resonates with me. 

I don't know anyone who wants to just let their life be a waste. We all have ambitions, and we all want out dreams to come true. Some people just arnt prepared for all the work it requires.

So, can you guess what I'm doing? If you guessed working two shifts in a row again, you are correct!

I need to stop overloading my schedule. . . I'm getting really tired of, well, being tired all the time. 

I don't see myself doing this job forever, because it requires so much, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind if I had too. It's an important job, but I do want to try and follow my dreams a little. .  .

In the mean time, have some moose.

Nibblelymoose.

Receive Heart

Another day, another adventure.

my editor, the lucky bastard, got to fly over our city this morning with a good friend of ours who recently got her flying license. We had lunch with her and her father, then I went to work, then we went out for dinner with the addition of another friend of ours. And now we are at a German bar with them, minus the father.

there was a little snow earlier, and I wish it continued, but alas.

so, I ought to return to the company of my friends, so, uh, bye.

outlet

maybe it's because I've worked myself to death, or maybe its because I'm physically exhausted, but I've spent the past two days just sulking around. For no good reason it seems.

Christmas night, I had to work overnight. I ended up laying on the couch most of the night because I felt terrible. As soon as I got home, I went right to bed but I still felt like crap. I barely slept in at all, so when my editor and I finally went out for some errands, I was just mopey and tired. I felt bad because when I stopped in at my other job, they asked me if I wanted to work. I really want to help them out, but since yesterday was my only day off, I didn't.

we had lunch at an uber Americanized Japanese restaurant, which was ok at first, but I had to stop eating it because it was making me sick. We'll give it another try later, maybe when I'm not already sick.

my editor and I played games the rest of the night, we had a lot of fun too. I still don't feel well, but I'm stuck at work. I have to work my other job tomorrow and than I don't know what I'm doing. Then its more work! Yay.

I'll try to complain less.

Omae no XXX de ten wo tsuke

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg9bRytKOns
nothing quite sounds like adventure like this song does.

I tell you, Christmas was awesome. As far as I could tell, everyone was doing their best to genuinely enjoy the holiday. I got a chance to talk to a lot of my family, as well as have a lot of fun with them.

besides having everyone get along, I also got the only other thing I wanted, Monopoly. The new version with the cat. Now I just need people to play with.

there is a tiny chance that I may return home early from working, but I don't know if I should. I'm really tired and I'd rather not have to work, but at the same time, I'm not the only one.

lets see how it goes.

otherwise, happy Christmas everyone ~

Mischievous

it won't be long now, with only a few more hours left in the day, until Santa makes his magical journey. And by magical journey I mean I get to wake up (possibly in the middle of the night or early in the morning) and stuff the rest of the crap I got into our stockings.

sorry kids, but its true. That's right. I AM SANTA CLAUS!!!!

but seriously, I just hope they manage not to fall off the mantle and avoid getting nommed on by the various creatures in the house. And speaking of which, I really want to put out some milk and cookies, but also leave a note for Santa saying"I wouldn't drink the milk, the cats probably drank out of it. And sorry if the dog ate your cookies." I know its a terrible idea, but I really want to go all out on the "magic of Santa" nonsense this year.

I guess you can blame my parents for all this. They always managed to make every holiday fun and special, and I can't help but get lost in the spirit. Even once we knew Santa was just a facade, Christmas was still special. In fact, it became a lot more fun once I learned how to become a Santa myself.

sure I still get sick of all the stupid and overplayed music, and I roll my eyes at people freaking out over some material object. And I would like to actually have money for more than five minutes. However I'm a sucker for the holidays and I probably will continue to be.

now if you excuse me, I'm going to be waiting for the phone call I will get after my mother opens her gift and evacuates her bowels.

Rebuild from Memory

in my younger days, my family and I would frequently visit my great grandfather who lived in my mother's hometown. We'd visit for Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, you name it. At the end of 2001, my mother, sister, and myself moved in with him while my father did some training for his work. At the time, my great grandfather's heath was not the best, and he passed away a few months after we moved in.

a few years after we moved away, my grandmother sold the family home. At first we were deviated, but soon came to the realization that it was unlikely any of us would return to live there. However, the memories we had in that place crawl across our minds every so often, and I frequently have dreams that I am in that house, or at least something that resembles it greatly.

it has been a dream of mine, or really a goal, to build a house using the design of the one I mentioned before. I don't care if I win the lottery or become massively in debt, but I want to build it. Of course, I would alter quite a bit of its original design, making it larger and perhaps adding another bathroom and maybe a balcony or two. The original house was built (I think) well over a century ago, so there would be a lot of updating to do.

there are a lot of things I would keep, like its stunning white exterior and the even flow of the interior. It makes me very excited to think that I could be in such a building again.

there are a few more things i'd have to keep in mind. First, where would I build it? Sure, if I was a millionaire, I could build it somewhere in this city where I currently live, but where else would be good? Where ever it is, it would have to be a place where pecan trees could thrive. The original house had a lot of pecan trees in the yard, meaning that we always had pecans to eat.

sigh, I really wish this was more obtainable, however, I am not nearly well off enough to obtain such a goal.

at least I can remember how it looks from memory. . .

How do you solve a problem like. . .

(right before I wrote this, I was helping a resident change their TV to the Sound of Music and this song was just ending. I've had it in my head all day).

I am not the smartest person, I'm not stupid, or dumb, but I'm not exactly beaming with intelligence either. I'm also certainly not ignorant. However, I have my moments of brilliance.

if anything, I'm clever. I find new ways to solve old problems, that sometimes turn out better than the other way. Sometimes not. I take pride in my cleverness, knowing I can do things my way (if not better than the other). And they mostly don't end in complete failure, so that's good.

Every Sunday, I help a certain women bathe. Getting to help her and spend time with her really makes my day. We've got a good connection, she and I. One of the first things that I impressed her with is by using my cleverness to help her in an uncomfortable situation. She is paralyzed on her left side and can't move very well. One of the biggest problems when bathing her is how she would slide down and not be able to get back up. So, I put a towel underneath her, long ways, so when she slides down, I can pull her up.

she's never stopped complimenting my solution and best of all, it makes her happy.

I have many more examples, but I might save those for another day. For now, its time to work.

Do you even read the titles?

Seriously, that's one of my favorite parts about blogging, the titles!!!!

Anyway, do you know what today is? Six months ago, I started this blog. Yay, we made it half way. 

Looking back at where I started, I've gotta say, wow. Everything is completely different. But I've already talked about that, repeatedly. I know I repeat myself quite frequently. 

I've also been feeling kind of off. Like, I've been a lot more lax about posting daily. When I miss a post, I try and double up the next day, but I really don't have all the time to focus on quality posts anymore. My job really takes a lot of everything out of me. Being only part time, I'm working as many hours as full time, if not more (as long as my supervisor is ok with overtime). I'm glad that I'm there, though.

Unfortunately, I'm completely scatterbrained, so writing anything past this isn't happening right now. So, I'm going to continue watching our programs with my editor and begin wrapping presents. 

Yeah, Christmas is in a few days. . . Oh boy,

Fixer-Upper

I may have started getting my spark back. I don't know.

After toodling around town for a few hours, I went to hang out at my editor's work until it was time for him to be off and drag him to the mall for more shopping. And to see a movie.

Of all the major blockbusters to go see, we went to see Frozen, the newest Disney flick. Honestly, it's as cliche and hammy as any animated Disney film, but I absolutely loved it. It really spoke out and made me make a lot, and I mean a lot of parallels with everything that's been going on. 

More than anything, I'm glad that Disney is focusing more on familial love rather than a rushed together romance like it has in the past. If you haven't seen Brave, do it now. 

Sometimes it takes a little something from the outside to ignite the fires of change. (Obvious distater joke is obvious). 

Unfortunately, I don't have all the time to devote to a truly fantastic update post, because I have to be at work in 4 hours. And I desperately need to shower. Like, you have no idea.

So, if I have some time to kill, I'm going to write another post. Tomorrow I've got a big day ahead of me.

Settled

I hate being home in the position of having to say the things people don't want to hear. Unfortunately, when things need to be said, there is little room for beating around the bush. It's not easy telling someone that they've done something wrong or that they need to get their lives in order. I'm someone who doesn't like conflict, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of confrontation.

having said that mess of a paragraph, well, I don't actually know.

I've been so caught up in drama that I haven't had any time to write posts of value. I really hate that. When I'm so stressed out from everything that has been going on that I barely have any motivation to draw or write, I feel absolutely terrible. If I can't express myself through normal means, things get ugly.

I just don't want to be the only person trying to improve what's been going on.

Chatterbox

there is something ridiculously relaxing about being able to rant about life to people who listen to you. And for that, its only fair that I learn to listen to others as well, though I feel I could do better at it.

I just spent the last few hours on and off the phone with my best friend from high school, the one we surprised and kidnapped back in August. She called right as I came into work and besides having to hang up to go to my residents, its the first time we've gotten to talk for this long of a time. Good news is that she got a real person job that she starts soon!!! A super congratulations to her!!!

I can't wait until the time where we live closer to each other, or at least can afford to travel more often. I'd say the same about most of my friends, actually.

ah well. "once I win the lottery. . . " or something.

dare

for whatever reason, I've got the sensation of feeling like I'm being held. Its like im buried in a man's chest with his arms around me.

who is this person? My father? My lover? My brother?

why am I being held? Am I being comforted? Am I sad?

I don't know why I have this feeling or image in my mind. I don't know if I dreamt it or if I'm just imagining things.

honestly, I just don't know.

I suppose you want an update

So, I've just started writing a post every two days now. Deal with it.

I've been working my butt off, and I never have enought time and thought to really write a good post.

Maybe I will tomorrow. I don't know.

I'm going to lay here in bed and play video games. Deal with it. 

I got a snuggle buddy. 

Standing on the soapbox

My desire to keep writing on time since the semester ended seems to have come to a halt. Not for a lack of ideas and topics, I just generally do have the drive to want to write. Maybe it's because I'm ready to hibernate, or that I just want to focus on enjoying the holiday, or perhaps its because I'm trying to hold together my personal life as it's falling apart.

It's no secret that I've been through a lot, and whatever I have received, I worked very hard for. This greatly reflects my world view. I strongly believe that nothing comes without sacrifice. Not necessarily in a big, scary way, but a very basic "equivalent exchange" kind of thing. Part of this is from what I've learned from watching so much anime, and the other part is from experience.

think of something basic, for example. I like to play video games, and they tend to be expensive. In order to afford them, I have to work my butt off, meaning I don't necessarily have time for socializing, if I also want to spend time playing games. I chose to sacrifice my social life to work and earn something I wanted. That, and I tend to be rather introverted, so yeah.

I could give more examples but they would all be very similar. For the argument "why can't I just have my cake and eat it too?" I'd respond with"what are you willing to do to make it happen?"

this also means I'm the kind of person who will works for what she wants, meaning if everyone else is in a humbug because of many reasons, and I really want a Christmas tree, I will get it myself and take care of it by myself if I'm the only one who actually wants it. This makes me kind of an asshole, but at the same time, I'll go off and do my own thing if everyone else is being unreasonable or stubborn.

another part of my core beliefs is that if there is a problem, then it needs to be addressed, understood, and fixed. Even the worst kind of problems or mistakes need to be taken care of properly. There is usually some kind of reason when bad things happen, but they may not always be done by bad people, just people who made a bad decision. This isn't always the case, but I tend to give people the benefit of doubt, within reason.

so yeah, I get frustrated when people start throwing around blame and a punishment as if it is some kind of devine justice. I feel that blaming people may make you feel better, but ultimately, its pointless. Yes, there are causes for everything, and properly acknowledgment of them needs to happen. But when someone is like "*** is all *** fault" or "if it weren't for ****, **** wouldn't've *****." or something. Same thing with unjustifiable anger or holding grudges. If you are going to never let something go for whatever reason, you are becoming part of the problem. Now, if something bad happens to you, I don't think you should have to forget about it, or completely forgive them, but if you step out of your comfort zone and try to understand what happened, it might help you move forward. Its certainly a lot harder to do, but in the end it makes you a stronger person and whomever might have wronged you help "fix" their mistake.

the problem of my way of doing this is that it looks very weird from the outside. It may look like a"forgive and forget" kind if things or pretending something didn't happen, but that is because they unfortunately look very similar. If someone isn't angry, someone might think that no process is happening. Everything takes time, and nothing comes easy.
it makes sense if you don't think about it.

I'm just afraid people might think I'm just acting like an old 50's wife, trying to cover up all the dirty little secrets and problems to put on a good face in case the neighborhood starts talking. "oh what would the ******s think?!?" kind of crap. I may not want to talk about the specifics, but I'm not afraid to say that I've gone through shit, and had to deal with a lot of shit, and honestly, its not all that bad. Its not the worst. I've come a long way and I've put a lot of effort into making my life the way I want it to be, given what I've got. And I do it all willingly, because that is my choice and its what I believe.

I'm a lot stronger than look.
.

No, when I see stars, thats all they are

So, that's it. I'm all done with school for thus semester. And what's even better? I got a 96% on the final!!! I've never done that well in a math test at all!!! So, how am I celebrating?

by going to a fine restaurant, of course!

actually, I had planned on taking my editor here for his birthday and let me tell you, it is quite fancy. He told me about this last year when he was doing a lot of hiking, and I decided to take him to this restaurant for his birthday.

expensive as all hell, but Yolo, right?

right, when we're home I will post the pictures of this place.

Fly Fly Baby Dont Cry

I've mention before how much I love the song "Kill Your Heroes" by Awolnation, right? Well, since all my music from my iPad got deleted, I haven't heard it or any of my regular songs in about a month. So, her I am, working overnight, doing my final rounds, and as I'm walking to check on someone, I hear the radio playing in the distance.

can you guess what song was playing?

Kill Your Heroes.

and it had just started, too. So obviously I stopped and sang along to it (quitely), until it was over.

its really incredible how much inspiration I get from hearing that song and how much it improves my mood. Not just because I love the song, but because of the connection I've made between it and my story. It fills me with ideas and scenes that I have planned in my head. Making me feel the emotions of the characters to which I have made.

I guess it's because this is something that is truly my own, something that I want to have remembered (if I ever finish it), that it has such influence on my life. When I think about what I want to do with the story or the characters, it makes me ridiculously happy.

I don't know why, ok. Don't ask questions.

AH EM FEHD AHP WIT DIS WHURLD

I don't even care if I miss a few posts here and there, as long as I can make up for it over the next few days.

in other news, I'm not as sick as I was!!! Although, there is a nasty sore throat things that has been floating around the fishbowl. So I've been wearing a mask to try and protect myself, or at least protect the residents from whatever I had.

I also forgot that I have to work overnight tonight, as well as my normal shift. But that's ok, because I am now the new mayor of a quaint little town that is populated with humanoid animal. That's not weird, right?

what's even better is my character looks like my mom. Teehee.

right, more later. Gotta work now.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock

Tomorrow morning, I have to take my japanese final. It is also my editor's birthday.

But for time time being, I'm still as sick as i was yesterday, so I really haven't left the bed at all. 

I also ought to go to sleep, so, yeah. G'night.

Tempermental

for having to work at 5am, I didn't get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned and at one point, I might have as well as been on fire, I was so hot. Something wasn't right within my body and I didn't know how to combat it.

When it was time to wake up, my stomach clenched and cramped as soon as I tried to make an upright position. I was nauseous and didn't want to do much of anything. I tried to overcome my sickness, but I eventually caved and called the people who worked overnight, asking them for advice. I eventually settled on going into work until the morning manager came in for me to talk face to face with her. She said it was fine for me to leave after an hour, since I shouldn't be around the residents if I'm ill, contagious or not.

I returned to to comfort of my bed for another 6 hours, moving my editor out of the way so I could be by the cold window. I actually felt a little better when I had to walk through the cold. I took my temperature while I was at work, it was around 98.3, but my normal temperature is around 96.7, that felt like a fever to me.

about an hour before I had to wake up for work, I ended up overheating during the night. I had already stripped down to as little as possible and kicked off all the blankets when it happened. I couldn't get comfortable and I felt absolutely terrible. My editor noticed that I didn't have any blankets, so he tried covering me back up, thinking I must have been cold. Unfortunately, it was quite the opposite.

so I called out of my other job, saying if they couldn't find anyone I'd still come in, but they said don't worry about it. I had a few more hours to work on my math homework, and I finished all my work for the weekend. Now all I have to do is prepare for the final.

I'm still feeling fantastically terrible, so depending on how I feel in the morning, I may stay home another day. I feel bad for having to miss work, but with this questionable condition I am in, I don't think I should go.

well, I ought to get some rest, all my kitties have been waiting for me to go to bed, so I should join them.

Final countdown

"Neneneeee neeee, neneneneeerrrr,"

Or something like that. 

The clock is ticking down til the moment when the semester ends. I've got to muster through my Japanese final and than it's all math. My irritating teacher is allowing us to redo one assignment, so hopefully I can score some more points, you know, cause I'm trying not to fail. Hopefully she won't mark me down too much for not having any of my classmates respond to my story problem. Whatever.

So, besides having to drown myself in homework, I've got to work for most of the day, including getting my happy butt up before 5am. I'm wide awake now, which is terrible. 

But my brain stopped working, so I'm done here.

Bye.

not that it really matters

a pleasant mix of productive yet not productive activities happened throughout today. I'd like to say I accomplished a lot, but in reality, my editor and I just watched a lot of videos. But we are completely caught up on the Let's Plays that I am absolutely obsessed with. And we finally watch Sunshine, which was an incredible movie. Go watch it. Now.

and with that, I will retreat to the safety of my heated blankets. Its super cold outside.

maybe tomorrow I will get a Christmas tree. . .

Thirty Below

It's not that cold out, but you get the picture. 

I'm actually a little upset that it didn't snow the entire day, it was so lovely out and I didn't want it to end. I ended up spending more of the day inside than outside I even had a little nap, too.

I'm going to enjoy the remainder of my evening of nothingness. Though, It might end up ending a lot sooner than later, I'm getting sleepy.

Right. 

I am become defeated

http://scenesfromsmithpark.blogspot.com/2013/12/wanderlust.html?m=1
shout out to scenes from smith park for this one.

well, I didn't get off work early, so that means unless I don't want to sleep at all tonight, I won't be finishing any of my Japanese projects. Luckily, I've already come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to retake parts 2 and 3 of these courses if I want to have any understanding of the language. I just hope I will have time to. . .

its currently snowing quite a bit right now, and since its nighttime, it is absolutely beautiful out. I love when the snow shimmers and sparkles in the lights. What makes it even better is that there are already some Christmas lights out, so we get rainbow sparkles!!!

I'm still not sure what I'm going to be able to do about school and work, but whatever happens, I just want to be happy.

and have time to draw, that helps too.

Safe Place to Hide

no matter where I go or what I do, I always try to have a small sanctuary that I can flee too when I get overwhelmed. If my presences isn't required anywhere and I don't have anything else to do, I often go to these places to gather my wits.

for as long as I have known myself, I've always found places like this. Be it inside a large tree, or at a park, or in some secluded room away from the chaos outside, I am able to hide here.

at my last job, I mentioned how I spent way too much time in the bathroom, not necessarily using them, just, hiding. I hate to say it, but that habit has followed me to the fishbowl. Its mostly when I get overwhelmed during dinner or if I have nothing else to do but don't want to be given another task, I flee to one of the few bathrooms here. They are clean and comfortable, and nobody asks questions when I'm in there for a long time.

at the end of each of the hallways here, there are little sitting rooms, some have TVs, some have exercise equipment, and one even has some computers we are allowed to use on our breaks. If I'm not needed elsewhere, I tend to wander to those areas.

I know its probably not the best idea to spend most of your working hours hiding, but I try to spend as much time doing other things if I'm not needed.

I probably should go back out and face the world again, huh?

Preparation

Besides the impending panic that comes from the end of the semester, there is supposed to be a snowstorm that is heading our way. On top of that, our neighbor came by and told us her power went out mysteriously. Not only that, but we found more water had seeped in from the walls and leaked all the way into the hallway.

I really can't win, can i?

my motivation is severely lacking and I'm afraid I've caught a bit of whatever bug that has been going around work. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Because Everytime I See You, Its Gonna Be a Nice Day

after scrambling to complete my homework, I managed to still get to bed at a reasonable hour. I was supposed to buy more toilet paper but the store was closed by the time I went back out, so I improvised until I was able to go back to the store and buy some toilet paper. Foolish me, thinking that it would be ok to have a small stack of tissues to hold us over for about 5 hours. *rolls eyes*

any day that starts out rocky usually turns out ok. Today, actually, was a very good day. Though I didn't have to work, I still didn't study at all for my Japanese class, but I did do a lot of cleaning. And I proved myself to be an absolute genius, though I wonder why I don't think of it sooner.

anyway, I'm tired. But happy. And that's all I need.

Circles out of Squares

This world is just one adventure after another. After thanksgiving, I had to start working at 6am all the way until 10pm. Sure, I volunteered for it, but it still sucked. It really gave me a good perspective on how understaffed we are.

honestly, the job isn't as difficult as it sounds and its certainly worth while. I hope we find more people soon.

but because I had to work so much, I didn't bother writing. I managed to finish all my math homework tonight, and I found someone to cover my shift tomorrow, so I can focus on doing more homework. Damnit.

Time

This time last year, my editor and I were visiting his parents for the holiday. It was the first time I met his step father in person, though I had heard a lot about him before. I remember lying in bed in the room they let us stay in, speculating my situation. Whether or not I was sure I knew what I was doing. The room had a very specific smell to it, the scent of wood and construction, as well as a lovely candle his mother put in for us. When we went back in July, I actually was very happy to be there again.

over the years, I have done a lot of traveling, and that means I've stayed at a lot of different places. Each time we stayed at a family member's home, each hotel, each time we camped out, they all had very specific feels to them. When I revisit them, it brings back those memories.

so when I went to my uncle's house to meet with the family, I felt very similar. We've stayed with him more often than any other relative.

we all had a wonderful time at dinner. I was still tired from work, but I was able to enjoy everyone's company. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again.

but for now, I need to sleep.

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination

What can I say? Life is filled with ups and downs. We learn to deal with them and we adapt, or we don't. That's it. 

I'm tired of trying to justify myself and those who are important to me to whoever tried to tell us that we are wrong for being ourselves. I am one of those people who is happy to admit when they've messed up and does whatever they can to try and return whatever it was back to normal. I know few people who are like me in that aspect, but the one I did find is who I chose to stay by my side as long as we can make it. 

Another thing, on the subject of anger, I, like every other human being, experiance an emotion called anger. It's not pretty. In fact, I hate being angry more than anything else in the world. There are points in life where it has its uses, but for my life, I don't need it and I sure as hell don't want it. Unfortunately that means I try and maintain an anger free lifestyle, and it sometimes means I let a lot of things pile up inside me untile I explode. It's not exactly right either, but I'm able to handle the explosions a lot better than I did before. 

With everything that has been going on in my life, it's hard not to get angry with the world or everything that comes across my path. But my emotions change quickly and often in a very predictable pattern.

Normal state is usually something close to happy, if not content. If life is good, I'm extremely happy and chipper, and I try to share this emotion with those around me. If that desire isn't met, it turns into frustration, then irritation, that if it gets out of control, Anger. Because I hate being angry so much, I get frustrated with myself and I let myself slip into a bit of sadness, where I'm reminded of all the things I don't want to think about. Sometimes it swaps back and fourth between anger and sadness several times before I'm able to climb out of that hole. But when I am, it's back where we started. 

A you can see, I can be quite a handful to deal with, but honestly, I'm not too unlike any other human, and I guess that should be comforting?

Whatever, I ought to keep myself awake more if I'm at work.

Ciao.

Well Rested

I don't always go to bed before midnight, but when I do, its because I've just worked 20 hours.

I stayed in bed for most of the morning, I even got up, showered, and went back to bed in a towel. Honestly, I do that a lot. If I don't have a lot I need to do in a day, I'll shower early and spend most of the day avoiding getting dressed. There is a certain joy that comes from spending most of a day naked.

and on the topic of grooming, I finally trimmed those jagged talons that were growing on my fingers. I don't know why my fingers always feel so weird after I trim my nails, but they do.

ok, time to get back to work. Every time its slow like this, and I know there isn't anything for me to do, I feel bad for not doing anything, so I spend most of my time either walking around or hiding in the bathroom. Al least it's almost dinner time and that means something to do~!

I'll sleep when I'm dead

Honestly, it's a miracle that I'm still standing, ok well, right now I'm sitting, but you get the point. It's days like today that I really wish I could just record every single thought I have, because no matter how tired I am, my brain doesn't shut off. Some thoughts are good, some are bad, some make absolutely no sense. Actually, most of them are complete nonsense, unless you are me, because they at least make a little sense to me.

it's not right, but I'm starting to get rather impatient with who or whatever is holding the workers back from being able to fix my place. I need to go back to my own environment. I know I've said this a million times before, but I am so ready to be home. I am not the only one with this opinion, that if I was back on my own, many lives would be better. I'm not going to pretend that when it does happen, it will erase the problems of the past, but I know it will help us form a better future.

sorry, I'm always so vague, but there really some things that are better left unsaid.

one in the same

one of the residents here in the fishbowl has the same name as mine. Some of the other residents often make jokes about it, and I've been known to make a few myself. Sometimes when I see her and she asks me who I am, I'm tempted to say "I am you," but I don't.

I know how I feel about our names, but I'm rather curious about how she feels about them.

I wonder if she has ever heard that old Elvis Costello song before. . .

Maybe I'm just insane

not going to lie, yesterday's post was about to be written when I fell asleep. I had my phone on my hand, ready to start.

see how well that worked out.

the only good news I've got is that my editor and I finally caved and bought a space heater for our room, as well as two heated blankets. It was so wonder sleeping in them. Shame I won't get to have that luxury tonight.

not long after I got to work, I received word that they needed someone to cover the overnight shift tonight. This was right after I told someone that I would help cover half of their shift tomorrow morning. So like the idiot i am, I said why the hell not.

rackin up those hours baby.

my manager said she would approve all overtime this week and next, so I'm loading up my schedule. I'm probably going to regret this, aren't I?

must have slipped my mind

believe me, I think about writing a post and what to write multiple times during the day. Its only when I am starting to get tired or have something else going on that I forgot completely and remember the next morning.

today is like that. Right before I feel asleep on my friend's couch, I thought to myself how I needed to write something. I was so tired that I never did wake myself back up to do it.

while I was working yesterday morning, I thought about writing plenty of times. I even had a lot of free time to do it. But I didn't and right now I don't remember what I was going to type.

although, there is this, the most common advice I am given by the residents is"don't become old." which is absolutely useless advice. I can't tell that they are warning me not to grow old and die younger, or that they are encouraging me to find a way to become immortal. I appreciate it when they say it to me because it shows a lot about who they are and how they feel. Every single one of these people, regardless of whether or not I like their attitudes, I'm going to miss them.

I'm far away from nowhere

I am going to have to apologize if this post is an absolute train wreck, but I couldn't be helped.

so, last night, this is what I dreamt:
Someone who seemed familiar but wasn't and myself were in some kind of desert. I am sure that some kind of combat was involved, but honestly, I don't remember. It started out as a water conservation problem, but eventually changed into something completely different, as is such that most dreams do. I, as well as this other girl were in charge of this little post in the middle of nowhere, and we disagreed about how we should use our water. She wanted to use it all while I wanted to conserve it because I knew it would run out fairly quickly. Like dreams often do, it completely changed pace when this little miniature submarine which you could actually pilot showed up. Honestly, I don't remember much about why it happened, but for what ever reason, I got to explore the depths of the ocean in this little machine.

the part I remember the most is when I guess I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with little to no power left in my machine. At the time, I was frantically trying to communicate with any of my comrades, even those I disliked. It was cold, dark, and cramped. I knew the if I wasn't able to drive my way out, that I was going to die there.

immersed in this frightening loneliness, I clung to any strand of hope I had. Besides the image of my comrade's face on a screen, all I saw was a deep blue darkness. I didn't want to die in such a place, I was terrified. I remember talking to one person, someone who I may or may not have had a difficult relationship with, saying how happy I was to talk with them. Just then, in the midst of the darkness, I felt an unsettling sensation on my leg.

in reality, my foot slipped out from the covers and touched a different textured blanket, therefore causing me to freak out. I jolted awake, my heart pounding.

if anything, this dream only further cemented my feel fear of the ocean. And I still have no idea what it means.

I hate these blurred lines.

You know I'm really liking this constant stomach ache. It's making my life quite happy and it keeps me feeling just spiffy.

Not.

I'm not exactly sure what is the cause if this feeling, but something in my gut keeps telling me that something isn't quite right. What's worse is I'm not sure how to fix it either. Maybe it's a mix of frustration and nervousness, possibly with a dash of mild irritation. . . 

Maybe it will get better soon.

At least I've got a nice long break coming up, that I've got to work the whole time. . . 

Life in the fishbowl

I've decided to refer to my place of employment as the fishbowl from now on. It wasn't until I heard a resident say it again that I realized that she gave me the idea, but it works. I mean, all of us there spend the whole time swimming from one end to the other, waiting to get scooped out. One of these days, I'm going to write an in depth story about what I've seen here, but for now, I have to stick to this blog of mine. 

In other news, today is/was, depending on what time it is, my sister's birthday! We did what we could, all things considered, and I'm hoping she had a lot of fun!

I hate to say it, but my creative streak hit a wall. I'm just hoping I wake up in time to finish my homework. . . 

Landslide

life has a funny way of giving you something great and then slapping you in the face with it. How are we supposed to deal when as soon as one thing is fixed, something bigger breaks. Should we hold those responsible at a higher standard than we would for ourselves, or try and understand why they did what they did.

we are all only human, after all.

ain't that a shame

my condolences for all the people who have been hit by the recent tornadoes, which includes one of my high school friends. Luckily, he's ok, the rest of the town, not so much.

I am absolutely drained. I'm tired and its hard to want to anything knowing that I don't get any breaks from it.

today at work was particularly brutal. A few weeks ago, this wonderful woman who's health was declining recently, had a stroke. Since then, she's hasn't been herself at all, and to be honest, she's been frantic and extremely high maintenance. She doesn't know what she wants and gets scared any time she is along, meaning she needs someone by her side at all times. Good news is, she has someone right now. I just hope they both will be ok.

right now, I don't even know what I'm going to do anymore. (except I kinda do).

Burial at Sea

^which is the name of the DLC I am currently downloading for Bioshock infinite. Happy times!

other than that, I don't have much to report. I did my homework yesterday so I would have time to waste on video games tonight. See, I can get ahead in life!!!

alright, I'm off. See you at the bottom of ocean.

Like the Boom of a Cannon

as tired as I was last night, I managed to wake myself up on time, shower, and mosey down to work where it was still questionable whether or not I was going to actually work. Unfortunately, someone did call out, so I had to stay, but this time I got to work in the only hallway that I had yet to work. I barely knew anything about the people there, but I was eager to learn!

it was actually very easy, getting everyone up and learning what they needed. It also helped that the woman who I was complaining about yesterday wasn't managing, so she wasn't breathing down my neck, and she actually helped me a lot. Let me clarity something, I don't hate her or wish ill upon her, I just don't like her attitude or how she rushed everything. I'm one who gives credit where credit is due, and just because I don't like the way she acts doesn't mean I'm incapable of seeing how hard she works or how well she does her job. And even though I'm not fond of her, I am still nice and respectful towards her.

anyway, one of the great parts about working this new hallway meant I finally could fill the holes in my mind about this place. I met two new people, one I didn't even realize existed until last week. so yay!

though it was super windy, the sun was shining and it was a very beautiful day. Oddly enough, the wind "blew in" a sign of what was to come. Before I knew anything, it was right around the time when I took my break. I snuck over to my usual spot by the public computers, when I saw that the chairs that belong there were gone. I decided to go to another spot, but there was someone else there. I didn't think anything of it at the time, so I retreated to the break room.

later on, i noticed that we were going to have special guests for lunch and I asked about who they might be. That was when i found out something awful. Right around when i went on my break, one of the residents who i was very fond of, had passed. He wasn't in the greatest of health, but he was still looking pretty good last time I saw him. It came as a big shock to me.

the first night i worked his hallway, he was very kind and patient with me. He spoke of how he used to be a magistrate in the military right after WWII. I enjoyed talking to him and hearing his stories, and he was very interested in hearing what it was like for me being familiar with the military as well. He made me feel welcome and helpful, especially when I was so unsure of what I was supposed to be doing.

Right after I was told what happened, I looked outside and saw that the beatuiful clear and sunny sky had gone away, and the wind blew in these grey clouds that seemed to loom overhead. The weather certainly has a way of setting the mood. . . 

surely, I'm going to miss him, but I have to remember this was inevitable. Like all things, this will come to pass, as we all do, I guess.

IN:visible

besides absolutely despising the morning shift and the speed-driven manager, its been a good morning. I know its odd for me to make a post before noon, but I don't want to let this thought escape into the nothingness of the day.

by the time I was able to sneak away on break, I was joined in my little electronic corner by two middle aged people. They were trying to have as much of a private conversation as they could, but I couldn't help but overhear a large part of it. Much like the topic of many of my recent posts, they were talking about death. I don't know if someone they knew had just died or if they were preparing for a death, but they talked a lot about it. The woman mentioned how this country's attitude towards death is rather harsh. When someone dies, there may only be a day or two that they are allowed to grieve in, then its back to work. In other countries, there is a lot more time allowed for the bereaved. I do not actually know how much of what she said was true, but in my experience, that seemed to be the case.

the gentlemen with her had a few rather interesting and harsh things to say about this establishment. Thanks to them, I'm going to be keeping an eye open around here. . .

that's all for now.

No regrets, sorry not sorry.

I take great pride in my work, even the silly and rather embarrassing works. I am always the happiest when I complete whatever I am working on, and I always compulsively check on them once they are submitted online.

I'm always looking for feedback, so I really want to know what people think of my work. Sigh, such is the life.

well, it's 2am and I have to be at work in 4 hours. Later~!

Live, Laugh, Love.

^honestly, I absolutely despise that phrase.

Today was rather fantastic, actually. I woke up an hour before I had to be at work, mostly because I spent all of the night working on a wonderful drawing (which I'm going to finish tonight!). I'm really excited about this work, honestly anything that gets me out of an art block makes me happy.

also, when I came home from work, not only had my sister finally got her car back, but she made an amazing dinner. Cornish hens with a fancy pumpkin and other veggies, and some raspberry lambic!!! I am so full. Seriously, if I ever own my own restaurant, my sister is going to make most of the recipes.

well, I want to finish these drawings.

Just like that, and its gone.

I don't know why, but when I get news of something sad, I feel a sudden drop in my body. Through my chest, arms, legs, everywhere, a cold sensation rushes through me. Its eerie, and very unsettling, but I can't control it. A bit of bad news changes everything in an instant, like it did tonight.

I've actually had a wonderful day. So I really can't complain. However, while taking with my coworkers, I found out something upsetting.

this is how the conversation went:
A-"hey, so do you know who came and took her body?
B-"I think her family did."
Me-"who? What happened?"
A-"***** passed away."
Me-"when?!?"
B-"earlier tonight."

and that was all I got. We speculated where this woman's body was supposed to go, but other than that, we didn't talk about it. I never really took care of her and only knew a little about her. She was in very poor health, both mentally and physically, so it really wasn't a surprise. Just shocking.

the girl who I was asking the woman about had worked with her quite often, so I can't imagine how she feels.

sometimes I forget that ultimately, this is a place where people come to die.

Why are there so many mails?

so, i know i missed yesterdays post, and i was completely aware i was doing it at the time. but thats what happens when you wake up at noon, then do math until midnight, and mess around until its bedtime at 2am. deal with it.

so, this one might be a twofer, if i have time to make another post tonight.

i was talking with a resident on her way back from dinner, and she remarked how there was a lot of mail that needed to go out tomorrow. my brain had a little idea, and i said, "now that would be something, if i could turn into a mail, and then experience what it was like going through the mailing system. you really couldn't do it any other way but by actually BEING mail. it could be fun, right?" to which the woman with me laughed.

it really wasn't all that funny, but the obsurdity of the statement was what made it worth a little chuckle.

anyway, it made my day a little better.

Pause

though I have to devote all my time to homework, I'm really looking forward to my day off tomorrow. I'm also really looking forward to actually sleeping tonight.

so, yeah. I'm sleepy.

bye.

No there ain't no rest for the wicked

Well, here I am. Burning the midnight oil again. So far, its been a pretty good night, all things considered.

as soon as I got off work this morning, the woman who I am not very fond of gave me a call saying I didn't take out the trash. I did take the trash out exactly the way that I had always done when I worked with this other woman, however I guess that wasn't enough. I had just got home and lied down when she called. She even told me that I should go back to work and take out the trash. My only response was "I probably shouldn't," since that would mean working off the clock, but that was my only way of saying "fuck you" to her for even asking such an outrageous thing. Yeah, I should have took out the trash right, but it wasn't even full, there were two little bags in it and its a huge waste of a bag to throw the whole thing out.

anyway. . .

After she hung up, i went back to bed and slept until around 10 when the restoration workers came by to tear out our damaged walls. So i had to scramble around the house, throw all the animals in my sister's room where she was completely unconscious, and drag my editor out of bed. We then threw our desk, chairs, and what ever else was on the floor onto the bed, and fled to a certain pancake house.

once we were able to go back in the house, we reorganized our desk space and its much better now. I attempted to nap, but i received a call from my coworker, asking me to work for her tomorrow afternoon. I said yes, since no one else could.

my editor and I piddled around until it was time for us to go to work, and here we are now.

its been an awfully busy day, and i am going to savor every minute i get to sleep. Until then, I'm going to keep myself awake the same way i did last night, by watching anime! Yay for WiFi and Crunchyroll!!!

The Gift that keeps on Giving

Earlier, one of the more popular residents moved out to another facility, and when she did, she gave a few of her caretakers thank-you cards, and some of those contained cash. Now, by the fabulous code that we are required to abide by, we caretakers are not allowed to keep such gifts. This is understandable, and I can see why it could be a problem. However, in this case with the resident leaving, and leaving a gift of thanks, it really shouldn't be a problem that the recipients keep their gifts. 

But it is a problem. 

I was talking with my fellow caregivers and we were pondering what was going to be done with the returned gifts. First, the worst case and most unlikely, is that those who have to take back the gifts, keep them for themselves. This is just as unethical as if the original recipients kept it (I guess). Second, involved pooling the resources together into some kind of "donation fund" to be used for whatever the facility needed. Lastly, and possibly the most likely of outcomes, is that it is returned to the resident or their family. I imagine that is what is going to happen, I'm just glad I wasn't one of the recipients because I don't want to deal with that shitstorm. 

On the subject of my work, or at least somewhat inspired by it, my wonderfully creative brain had a thought.

Say, for example, that there was some kind of genie, and it's sole purpose was to grant a person a chance to relive their youth, for a price, of course. I imagine that this genie would come to places much like here, and offer those who are only a shell of their fomer selves an option. If they wanted he could transform their bodies (and mind, also) back to the way it was during the prime of their lives. That way, they could live like they did once again and spend time with their familes or do whatever it is that they wanted to do. However, the price of the transformation was that they only could live for a week like that and as soon as their time was over, they would die. 

Some people would think this to be horrific and somewhat malicious, but others could see it as merciful. Personally, I see it as equal. In exchange for a chance to relive your prime, you must give up the remainder of your life. 

For those who no longer are able to do much, like live independently or move on their own, or even those who no longer seem themselves as useful in this world, I imagine that they would take the chance. Not only as a means of redemption, but as an escape from the limbo that they are stuck in.

For those who still have a lot left to live for, like their families or something like that, I imagine that they would refuse it, for now at least.

If I was in the position many of my residents are in, would I take that offer? Honestly, I don't know.

http://youtu.be/x5JvbD2Zc9I

IDONTKNOWWHATIWANT

I am so tired and a little confused, and for the time being, I'm just going to sit her and mope about things.

Other than that, today at work, I got to paint with some of the residents, actually, just one. Well, this is what we painted.

Nothing special. 

Getting a chance to paint really made me feel better. Hurray for arts and crafts!!!

Kick and Scream and Fight Like Hell.

In my attempt to climb my way out of this damned hole I'm in, I'm left wondering whether or not it's all worth it. I mean, what am I really doing with my life? There is so much I want to accomplish and I sure as hell have the ability to do it, but the one thing that stops me is how much it all costs. I don't want to be stuck working 40+ hours in this limbo just to scrape by in life, I want to be able to have the work I want to do be enough to support as much as a small family. I don't want to put all my hope into a lottery or have to rely on someone else either.

what I'm saying is that I'm feeling mopey today and don't know what else to write. So there.

No matter what I have to face, I'm not going to give up. And I'm not going to let myself get in the way. I've still got a lot left to accomplish, so as long as I can still do something, I'll be ok.

(when did this turn into a self motivation speech?)

Initiate Plan B

I'm all about ready to quit life and ask for a refund. Its not like things are particularly bad, I'm just tired and I can't seem to get anything right. And even that is an over dramatization of the situation.

It's really not as big of a deal as I'm making it to be.

So, though I'm still able to withdraw, I think what I'm going to do, since I never did make that video I needed, is I'm going to finish this semester of Japanese, and than retake the second and third part of the course next semester, and if the teacher allows it, do that along side the fourth part of the course. I really don't care about grades, but I've missed so much material and I ought to go back and revisit certain subjects, like verbs.

the hardest part about all this is going to face my teacher after missing another 3 days of class, and still not having the assignment that I kept missing class to finish done. I want to show that I'm very serious about this class, but its hard to since I've barely been there. Before the flood happened, I was on top of all my homework and I went to class every time. Once things settled down, I just stayed in bed and hid. I'm not really proud of this, but I did that a lot last semester, and the semester before that. Every now and then, I get really nervous and frustrated about school and how I want to do well but I don't even want to be there. So I end up hiding up in my house for a week or to, and if I'm lucky, my teachers won't judge me for missing so much. However, Sensei has always been very strict about the assignments, and I don't want to get special treatment just because I'm having a bad day.

I'm using up all my focus for this damned math class, and its still kicking my ass.

what makes me even more frustrated is that I still haven't been able to draw like I used to. Its times like these that I'm stuck in a rut and facing a huge art block. I get so stressed out that I can't even draw, and I hate that the most.

I don't want to admit defeat just yet, but I ran out of ammunition two years ago and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now.

I just hope I can make it to class tomorrow. . .

it feels so much later then it is

why is it that anytime I actually have time and a plan to do something, something else gets in the way? I came home from work and saw my editor had gone through half a bottle of burbon. At first he was rather happy with himself, and though I'm a little irritated, I was happy to see him. Things quickly changed when his stomach decided that it no longer wanted to contain its contents, and he spent the next several hours puking. He's asleep now, and is doing much better.
I'm probably going to join him in a few. I'm pretty tired myself.

Another day well wasted

Goddamnit, I did it again. I had a whole day to do everything, but because I was left doing it alone, I didn't end up doing anything. 

Ok, maybe that didn't make sense. . .

Anyway, Halloween was awesome, and several people loved our costumes. We also saw quite a few rare references, however, I'm not entirely sure it was real. It gets pretty fuzzy around midnight. .  

Anywho, I'm tired and I have to get back to the 'ol grind tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Also, my little fluffy cat CHOSE to cuddle with me and sleep on the bed next to me. I want you all to know how rare and magical this is. She makes my life better. 

Ave, True to Caesar.

happy Halloween everybody! Our costumes are finished and my editor and I are heading out to do. . . something,

whatever happens, we're going to be very cold.

hopefully I'll remember enough of tonight to tell it tomorrow.

Safety First!

All work and no play

You would be surprised with the amount of cat hair that can accumulate in just a few days. I mean really, I JUST vacuumed the carpets the other day and they were already filthy. And it didn't help that I once again had to clean up dog pee. I'm not sure if I'll be keeping one of these black area rugs when I move back, depends on if I can be cleaned. . . 

Speaking of moving back, I got news saying that the repair company will NOT need a permit for the things they need to replace, and now all that is left for them is to get the OK from the insurance companies. Soon, maybe in a month or so, they'll be able to start putting things back, and who knows, maybe I'll be able to live in there soon! 

Every time I walk by my apartment, I get this odd feeling in my stomach like I know I live there, and that I belong there, but I can't be there. It's hard to describe. I don't know how things will be when I'll be able to live there again, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. 

My editor and I are attempting to go as members of the Legion from Fallout New Vegas. The only problem is that I get to try and throw these outfits together first thing tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay up and work on them. . . Who knows. Hopefully it won't look like crap. 

Well, that's it for now, I still haven't accomplished what I intended to a week ago, and it's starting to really bother me.

If you close your eyes, it almost feels like nothing's changed at all.

Today has been one of. . . well. . . I don't know what to call it. It started out fairly ok, until I got news that one of the residents that I was rather fond of passed away. The last time I saw him was actually about a month ago when he first started feeling ill. At the time, I was helping out his wife when she stopped and showed extreme concern for his well being. It really moved me how much they still cared about each other. Everyday she would go and visit him in the hospital, and she always seemed happy to have seen him. I thought something was off today when I met her other daughter and they both participated in activities more than usual. I actually overhead a phone call from the daughter and that's how I found out. I didn't want to ask what happened, just incase they wern't ready to talk about it. They didn't say anything about it and they acted fairly "normal." At one point, another resident asked how the husband was doing and the wife told them he was ok, and I looked at her daughter's face, and she looked like she was about to cry. That signaled to me that whatever was going on, they wanted to keep it secret, from everybody, and it made me wonder whether or not the wife knew. . .

I know it's just a part of life, but it still makes me and everyone else sad. 

This song pretty much describes the weird feelings I've had today. http://youtu.be/F90Cw4l-8NY

Also, it relates to the whole dealing with the flood thing.

And here's a cat.

three strikes and you're out!

alright, I goofed again. I missed another post. Yesterday turned into a great day when I realized I didn't have to work, but I still didn't do anything. So yeah.

see you tonight, hopefully.

Another late night

Today was the last day that my mom was in town, so we did what we could, including sleeping in and carving pumpkins. We even drove through the mountains a little to see the trees and saw some reminders of the flood from a month ago. It's scaty how fast something can change and how long it takes to restore it. Ah entropy.

I'm not feeling so good about work and school, or even the combination of having to do the two. I don't have much time to turn things around, but I need to do what I can. 

Here's to hoping for an early snow day!!!

Just Like Everybody Else Does

So, this may sound fairly selfish, but it really bothers me when I see people I know, and I know they see me, but they don't say anything to me. Even if we make eye contact and they still don't say anything, it is just as bad!

like, I know I'm not to most recognizable person, but if I'm trying to indicate that we know each other, I don't want to be ignored! This happened twice today.

once, I saw an old friend of my editor's while we were at lunch, and though she has a few personal issues to work through, she's a really great person. He told me that they haven't spoken for about three months, and that he stopped making efforts to talk to her. I still wanted to be friendly and say hi, but I get the feeling she was avoiding me as hard as she could. I never did talk to her, but I'm sure if I tried, she wouldn't have responded to me.

the second time was while I was at the football game with my mom. We went to hang out near the band and I saw a few people I knew from when I was in the band. They walked by me several times and not once did they realize I was trying to say hello. I wasn't very loud about it, but I wasn't hard to notice either.

I really don't like it when this happens, but because I get blown off so much, I don't really wave or say anything anymore. I at least smile and make eye contact, and if I don't get a response then I guess oh well.

maybe I'm just not that recognizable. . .

Deafened by the Brass

While my mom is here, we went to the little parade thing that the marching band does every home game we have for the local college. She used to be in the marching band way back when she went to this school, and I believe I mentioned that my sister was in it for 5 years. I only managed one semester, but I remember enough to kind of dance along with the tunes. 

We walked down a little with the band, and when they stopped to perform, we stood right in front of the trumpets and trombones (and baritones, too). As they played their jams, I could feel the sound waves coming from their instruments, then resonating in my body. It was very enjoyable and is one of the main reasons I love seeing live music. 

Though, if I ever had to become deaf, I'd want it to be from standing to close to brass instruments. Deaf by trumpet squad. 

Here's an X-ray of my chest from about a month ago, I had to get one for work and they let me keep the picture. I definitely want this as a poster.

(also, post is late due to math. I tried doing it a night early)

Girls day out

what do you get when you put together three ladies all related by blood in a store that is having a closing sale?

a lot of crap and a lot of money pissed away.

but at least I'm getting plenty of work clothes. . . And possibly a pair of lime green and pink croc things.

way back in middle school, my dad bought me these bright pink and green tennis shoes for school, and I absolutely loved them. I got a little nervous about them when my rather popular friend said they were a bit weird and there were other kinds of shoes that were in style. At the time, I really wanted to fit in, so I (I don't remember if I actually did) thought about asking my dad to return them. I felt bad about it because the shoes I had were already pretty expensive and im sure the ones that were is style were just as expensive. Long story short, I kept those obnoxious shoes and loved the crap out of them. At some point the soles fell off and I used them as wall decorations in our next base.

anyway, the shoes I'm pondering buying are very similar, and that's why I'm telling you all this. So, yeah.

also we started the day with pedicures, so its a rather feety day.

The hour of Bedtime is upon us.

(a bit late, but i dont care).

I'm sure I had a lot more planned that I could have written about, but I am so tired I can barely sit up straight.

so, my mom is here this weekend, so expect a lot of family-related posts (or something like that). I still need to finish my homework and make that video (which was due today, but i was so tired, i overslept, and never actually made it).

oh well, such is the life.

also this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LonKGuS9uuQ

its been in my head all day. you wouldn't really guess this, but the guys who made this show are musical geniuses. i mean really.

ok. bed now.

mother demands my presence.

Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing.

"There's no earthly way of knowing
 Which direction we are going
 There's no knowing where we're rowing
 Or which way the river's flowing
 Is it raining, is it snowing
 Is a hurricane a-blowing
 Not a speck of light is showing
 So the danger must be growing
 Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
 Is the grisly reaper mowing
 Yes, the danger must be growing
 For the rowers keep on rowing
 And they're certainly not showing
 Any signs that they are slowing"

best part of that movie besides Gene Wilder.

the way that scene went was a lot like how today has gone. It feels as if things are starting to spin out of control, faster and faster. I'm starting to question if what I'm doing is really what I want, but also I know there really isn't much choice for me in changing it right now.

maybe its because I'm not sleeping well, or because I'm working so much, but I'm exhausted and a bit delirious. I can't remember anything of what I'm supposed to be doing, and I end up over filling my schedule. What happened to the life I had where I did next to nothing and actually had time to do things like art?

well, I started working at that certain game store, and it got crazy quick. I don't know if I'm ready to handle this kind of work again. Good news is, I do get to talk video games all day, so that's cool. My manager there said I did a good job, but I feel I only did half as good as I could have.

well, the night is young and I have a video to make. Bye.

procrastination station part two: the return of jafar.

so, even though I have been planning out posts to write all week, and I have just now found my iPad, I don't want to write anything.

my brain is so dead, I don't even know if I'm writing these sentences correctly, and I really don't care either way. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I need to whip up a video about food in Japanese by Wednesday morning. Hooray.

good news is, tomorrow morning I go in for my first day at a certain video game store. Yay.

well, wish me luck, I don't know if I need it, but oh well.

also, I may have made my character in Fable 3 look like Santa, and you can imagine all the Christmas related puns that followed.

and the singing of the Snow Meister (I think that's what he's called) song, that happened too.

We don't care, we're not caught up in your love affair.

I'm the kind of person who dwells in the things that they dream too much. In fact, I think I've mentioned this before. . .

anyway, last night I dreamt of someone who I used to be quite fond of. And any time this person wanders into my dreams, I can't get them out of my head for a few days. I get lost in this euphoric daze, floating in and out of reality. More than anything, I end up talking to myself a lot more than usual. My mind is always full of thoughts of "what if" and "if only," as if a world where this person and I are more close is possible. I have to remind myself that its not and if it was, the life I lived up until that point would have still happened, and I would still have to deal with all of it. I find comfort in the fact that it isn't possible, because I'm rather fond of the life I live now.

anyway, its what's been on my mind today. Thinking about it helped me take my mind off everything else that's been going on.

call it a mini vacation.

meaningful words

while working, one resident asked me if I considered myself to be a trustworthy person. I thought about it and gave him an honest "maybe, for the most part, I can trust myself." he was quiet for a bit, and asked if I thought he was a trustworthy person. Since I really didn't know him that well, I told him that as far as I knew he was trustworthy, he used to be a doctor after all.

he said he would disagree. He said that because he can be kind if a control freak and doesn't want to give up, he can cause a lot of trouble because of that. Sometimes it gets in the way, and sometimes it causes frustration in the people around him.

I continued to be honest with him and told him what I thought. Just because he can be some what of a control freak, doesn't mean he is untrustworthy. In some ways, being a controlling person is a double edged sword, how if you're a good leader, things will go your way, and in some ways, it means people can rely on you to get things done. And the downside is how people will often be frustrated with you. Among other things. . .

I really enjoyed talking with him, and I hope my words made him feel better.

in other news, last night one of the other dogs who frequent my work, the one that belongs to the maintenance guy, well, I was told that she was hit by a car last night and died. I feel so bad for everyone who knew the dog.

the scary thing is, just the other day I was petting her and saying how sweet she was.

tonight, I'm going to snuggle my cats extra close.

First Snow

when I woke up this morning, there was a lovely sprinkling if snow all around. It was just late enough in the morning that all of it was already melting, which made a lovely effect with the sun and trees. I guess its really almost winter time, huh?

I spent most if my day in bed, occasionally getting up to see our company or to make food. I kept playing Fable all morning and took a power nap around 1. It was some of the best sleep I've had in a while, and I'm sure I would have kept sleeping if my sister's old roomate didn't stop by. It was good to see her as well.

after lunch, I went back to playing video games, then got sleepy again, and then watched my usual programs. As soon as my editor gets home, we'll have dinner and you can guess what else I'll be doing.

I've had a good day, and even knowing that I have to work at 6am isn't going to stop me from enjoying the rest of it.

Guilty Pleasures

Back when I was fighting with my sister last week, I talked to my mom about finding something that I can do to relieve stress. She listed off a handful of things, but I explained to her that I already have ways of dealing with my stress.

As soon as I'm able to sit and play a video game, I'm relaxed. If there is a goal or great story to hold me in, its all I need.

I finally set up my Xbox today, and decided to crack out a personal favorite of mine, Fable 3. This game is so bad and yet so good, I can't help but love it!

It has kind of a nostalgic feel to it and always has a warm feel to it. I've already played it a few times, but its been a while.

so, that's what I'm doing tonight. Playing video games, like always so, yeah, Albion needs me, and I need a back massage.

also, its my moms birthday (or was, early today. I have no idea what time it is). So, wish her a happy birthday over on her blog, and click some of her adds. (she wants me to ask everyone to do it).

scenesfromsmithpark.blogspot.com

I've got a little bit longer, I've got a ways to go.

The human memory can be a fragile thing.

on Monday while I was out and about, I went to the old mostly abandoned mall in the city near mine. I don't recall looking at any bright lights or getting flashed by anything, but all of a sudden I had a pounding headache and I could see a くshaped line in my right eye. It threw off my depth perception and I had a hard time seeing.

I also couldn't remember a few things, I'd list them here, but I forgot them.

this pain lingered around for at least 45 minutes, and I can still feel some of its effects. I was really concerned about what happened, but I was all by myself when it hit me. And by the time I got back home, I had focused on other things (and then got into a screaming fight with my sister).

since then, I can barely remember what I am supposed to be doing during the same day! And don't even ask me about the day after that.

for example, I had plans to wake up early today and try and take care of all the everything that suddenly fell into my schedule over the last day. Starting with trying to reschedule some mandatory training so I could attend class (which I ended up having a test in), then off to another town for a job fair (which I totally rocked and now I have a part time job working at a popular video game store), and off to obtain a new couch/bed for when my home is livable again. I also intended to retrieve my fish tank, but the couch took up the entire back half of my car.

so my editor and I had some free time and had pizza for dinner, and tried relaxing a little when I received a phone call from my current place of employment. It took me a sec, wondering why they were calling me so late, when it clicked in my brain.

I was supposed to work the overnight shift.

I scrambled to get my shoes on and ran out the door while calling back my work. It took my less than 5 minutes to run to work.

Luckily, I wasn't in too much trouble when I arrived, and it was a fairly slow night, all things considered.

until she showed up.

one of the residents came wandering out of her room, convinced that someone was trying to break in. I double checked everything and even spent about 2 hours talking to her. Eventually she forgot why she came out and wanted to go back to bed.

her short term memory was extremely bad, as she would ask the exact same questions over and over and over. Maybe it was because she was tired or stressed out, but she could not remember anything I explained to her. It made me really concerned and frustrated that I really couldn't do anything.

I guess this is what it is like to be stuck talking to NPCs who only are programmed with a certain amount of dialogue.

now that its quieted down, maybe I can relax a little.

maybe. The other lady who is here with me hadn't stayed close by and doesn't seem very talkitive. Also, I have to deal with way too much shit at this job. Literally, I'm dealing with a lot of human feces and other waste. (its supposed to be funny, start laughing).

alright. I think that's all for now. I may or may not get another post in tomorrow, but I'll try. Believe me, I'm always thinking of topics to write about, I just don't ever have the time (or memory) to write them down.

Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.

So, yeah, completely missed yesterday's post, and I knew about it. I thought about writing it right before bed, and then when I woke up, then writing it before work, then after work.

well, its now before bedtime, the next day. Honestly, I don't care. The amount of BS I had to deal with yesterday was a bit overwhelming and by the end of it all, I just said "fuck it."

so, after missing class again, I went over to my godmother's house to clean up the rest of our mess. It didn't take that much time, so I went out in search of cheap temporary rugs so we don't have to stand on concrete. Well, hooray for slave labor, because I found exactly what I needed at a certain super center.

so then I came back to my sister's apartment and decided to clean it up a little so, you know, we could actually live in it. It really wasn't that much effort. I tidied the kitchen and living room, and started to bring in the rugs. I realized that one rug wasn't going to be enough, so my editor and I went back to the store to grab some more rugs, and possibly some seat cushions (her chairs cause hemorrhoids).

I thought she had to work overnight and wouldn't be back until the morning, which is why I was able to clean uninterrupted. Well, my sister was home, and I was actually quite happy to see her, hoping that we could work together or something like that.

nope.

nuh uh.

no way.

not happening.

she was going in and out of the garage, bringing in her chairs, so I asked her if she wanted help bringing in her coffee table (she had said she wanted to put it in her living room, and I had planned on bringing it in for her, it makes sense, trust me).

she immediately commented on how I shouldn't have moved her stuff, and how she was going to clean everything (like, that night), and  how I shouldn't be trying to take over her house with my things, etc.

the list just went on and on, and all of it was absurd.

well, should I have waited and let her clean her own mess (which really wasn't all hers)? Maybe. But did I want to sit and wait for possibly another two weeks for her to 'have enough time' and not be able to cook or walk through the living room? No. Absolutely not.

the problem with our argument was that neither of us was wrong, but at the same time, neither of us were right.

Who's needs should have priority? Who's chairs should be out and able to be used? Whose music should be playing? Who's life has been more inconvenienced by this whole disaster?

Questions we all really don't want to hear the answer to.

well, as you can imagine, the fighting only kept going, for several hours even. We fought about everything. From chair cushions, to me possibly being a hoarder, to my editor not being a valid person to involve in our arguments, to how the rugs were placed, to who was going to feed the pets, to who has the more demanding job, to who's had to be forced to do things the most by our supportive and understanding family, to what kind if coffee we each drink, and so on and so on.

it even got to a point where I was trying to finish cleaning where I started, which involved having to once again move her former roomate's stuff around, so it was in a safe and easily accessible spot and still not in the way. Well, she wanted me to just leave it in the way and I wanted to finish what I was doing (though, I didn't have it all planned out). She kept trying to "help" by getting in the way and undoing what I had just did, or keep moving something back where I had temporarily moved it, etc. I stepped outside to take something to the recycling (while we were still fighting) and she locked me out.

I was willing to deal with quite a lot, but that was too far and extremely unforgivable. I was not going to sit by and let her treat me like she did to her treat me like her other former roommate (who was a total psycho, mind you). So, I called her out on it, and eventually she opened the door. 

It was so ridiculous how much we fought that night. I can't say that I was completely reasonable, but in all honesty, I'm just trying to gain some normalcy in my life. Thanks to our last argument (which I don't remember whether or not I wrote about, but it pretty much ended with a giant "fuck you" from me to her), we hadn't spoken to each other, but part of the fight was declaring that if I had to, I would solely reside in the tiny room I was allowed to be in, and not even use her kitchen if I absolutely had to. I was livid from that and still a little mad about it, but not as much. So, when she said "I don't want to feel like a refugee in my own home," my editor and I about lost it.

Though her home had a little of damage and is a little disassembled, she has still been able to live (somewhat comfortably) in it. Also, while we were at my godmother's house, we offered to house her there so she could be with her pets, and offered her the use of one of our vehicles (which I did fairly often). So, she stayed in her home voluntarily, which was understandable given her circumstance, but we did offer her an alternative, which she declined. 

So when she said the about statement to two ACTUAL refugees, you can imagine our frustration. Believe me, I want to be in my own home again and be able to do the things I once was able to, but I can't, so here I am. Which means we have to other choice but to live together and get along. We have to share the same space like we did 6 or 7 years ago, but this time we have no excuse to act like children. We are both responsible (mostly) adults and are expected to behave as such.

So, (I just realized I've started nearly every paragraph with "so" pretty much, my bad lemme try something new). 

 

I really don't want to keep fighting, but she is going to have to learn to share and not act the way she has been, regardless of her sleep schedule. I will do my best not to agitate her or the situation, but since I have to be a part of this household (my editor as well), I'm going to do my fair part. 

And I am not going to let her get in my way of doing that I consider to be the right thing. 

Kneady monkey. 

Ps. I know this is technically going to be posted on Wednesday, meaning that I'm missing a Monday and Tuesday. But I don't care, if I'm lucky, I'll post again in the night, but no promises. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a shit storm.