waiting for the ball to drop

Today has not been the best, and I guess it reflects the past year a little. I've been mopey and grumpy all day, and I just want to go home at this point.

I have to be grateful, I get two full days off starting tomorrow, but I have so much to accomplish, I don't really will have time off.

back when I was in elementary school, all the classes put on a little musical number of sorts. I remember very well the tune we sang. It started out as that new years song, auld ling syne, or something, but turned into this sweet little jingle about us kid's new years resolutions. As a message to our parents, it was all about us being better children, going to bed on time and eating all of our dinner, etc. Over the years, I've forgotten most of the song, but it still resonates with me.

I don't know if I will bother having a resolution this year, besides the typical ones of "do better, lose weight, make more money, etc" but I want to have some kind of goal.

if only I could figure out what it should be. . .

Don't forget to love

I'm in kind of a dilemma. At some points, I want to keep my distance from the residents and maintain a strictly professional relationship, however, there are those who are such wonderful people that I don't mind getting attached to. And of course there are those who I just genuinely like and those who I dislike, but I digress.

many of the residents here are on hospice care, meaning whatever they have will cause them to die within a certain time frame. Some of them who aren't total grumps are some of the kindest people here. There is one gentlemen in particular who is so sweet and kind, its hard not to absolutely love him. When you see him, he always smiles, and is very charming. Sometimes he will sing a little, sometimes he compliments everything about you. In other words, he is the most adorable old man in the universe. I always want to help him, and I feel happy seeing him when he's happy.

its a little upsetting to remember that there is no "getting better" for him. One of these days, I'll have to say goodbye to him.

no matter what happens though, I at least want him to always have a reason to smile, because he makes us all smile so much.


on the other hand, is it wrong to play favorites?

I will make you queen if everything you see

"And since we know that dreams are dead,

And life turns plans up on their head,

I will plan to be a bum,

So I just might become someone."

I don't know why, but that last line really resonates with me. 

I don't know anyone who wants to just let their life be a waste. We all have ambitions, and we all want out dreams to come true. Some people just arnt prepared for all the work it requires.

So, can you guess what I'm doing? If you guessed working two shifts in a row again, you are correct!

I need to stop overloading my schedule. . . I'm getting really tired of, well, being tired all the time. 

I don't see myself doing this job forever, because it requires so much, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind if I had too. It's an important job, but I do want to try and follow my dreams a little. .  .

In the mean time, have some moose.

Nibblelymoose.

Receive Heart

Another day, another adventure.

my editor, the lucky bastard, got to fly over our city this morning with a good friend of ours who recently got her flying license. We had lunch with her and her father, then I went to work, then we went out for dinner with the addition of another friend of ours. And now we are at a German bar with them, minus the father.

there was a little snow earlier, and I wish it continued, but alas.

so, I ought to return to the company of my friends, so, uh, bye.

outlet

maybe it's because I've worked myself to death, or maybe its because I'm physically exhausted, but I've spent the past two days just sulking around. For no good reason it seems.

Christmas night, I had to work overnight. I ended up laying on the couch most of the night because I felt terrible. As soon as I got home, I went right to bed but I still felt like crap. I barely slept in at all, so when my editor and I finally went out for some errands, I was just mopey and tired. I felt bad because when I stopped in at my other job, they asked me if I wanted to work. I really want to help them out, but since yesterday was my only day off, I didn't.

we had lunch at an uber Americanized Japanese restaurant, which was ok at first, but I had to stop eating it because it was making me sick. We'll give it another try later, maybe when I'm not already sick.

my editor and I played games the rest of the night, we had a lot of fun too. I still don't feel well, but I'm stuck at work. I have to work my other job tomorrow and than I don't know what I'm doing. Then its more work! Yay.

I'll try to complain less.

Omae no XXX de ten wo tsuke

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg9bRytKOns
nothing quite sounds like adventure like this song does.

I tell you, Christmas was awesome. As far as I could tell, everyone was doing their best to genuinely enjoy the holiday. I got a chance to talk to a lot of my family, as well as have a lot of fun with them.

besides having everyone get along, I also got the only other thing I wanted, Monopoly. The new version with the cat. Now I just need people to play with.

there is a tiny chance that I may return home early from working, but I don't know if I should. I'm really tired and I'd rather not have to work, but at the same time, I'm not the only one.

lets see how it goes.

otherwise, happy Christmas everyone ~

Mischievous

it won't be long now, with only a few more hours left in the day, until Santa makes his magical journey. And by magical journey I mean I get to wake up (possibly in the middle of the night or early in the morning) and stuff the rest of the crap I got into our stockings.

sorry kids, but its true. That's right. I AM SANTA CLAUS!!!!

but seriously, I just hope they manage not to fall off the mantle and avoid getting nommed on by the various creatures in the house. And speaking of which, I really want to put out some milk and cookies, but also leave a note for Santa saying"I wouldn't drink the milk, the cats probably drank out of it. And sorry if the dog ate your cookies." I know its a terrible idea, but I really want to go all out on the "magic of Santa" nonsense this year.

I guess you can blame my parents for all this. They always managed to make every holiday fun and special, and I can't help but get lost in the spirit. Even once we knew Santa was just a facade, Christmas was still special. In fact, it became a lot more fun once I learned how to become a Santa myself.

sure I still get sick of all the stupid and overplayed music, and I roll my eyes at people freaking out over some material object. And I would like to actually have money for more than five minutes. However I'm a sucker for the holidays and I probably will continue to be.

now if you excuse me, I'm going to be waiting for the phone call I will get after my mother opens her gift and evacuates her bowels.

Rebuild from Memory

in my younger days, my family and I would frequently visit my great grandfather who lived in my mother's hometown. We'd visit for Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, you name it. At the end of 2001, my mother, sister, and myself moved in with him while my father did some training for his work. At the time, my great grandfather's heath was not the best, and he passed away a few months after we moved in.

a few years after we moved away, my grandmother sold the family home. At first we were deviated, but soon came to the realization that it was unlikely any of us would return to live there. However, the memories we had in that place crawl across our minds every so often, and I frequently have dreams that I am in that house, or at least something that resembles it greatly.

it has been a dream of mine, or really a goal, to build a house using the design of the one I mentioned before. I don't care if I win the lottery or become massively in debt, but I want to build it. Of course, I would alter quite a bit of its original design, making it larger and perhaps adding another bathroom and maybe a balcony or two. The original house was built (I think) well over a century ago, so there would be a lot of updating to do.

there are a lot of things I would keep, like its stunning white exterior and the even flow of the interior. It makes me very excited to think that I could be in such a building again.

there are a few more things i'd have to keep in mind. First, where would I build it? Sure, if I was a millionaire, I could build it somewhere in this city where I currently live, but where else would be good? Where ever it is, it would have to be a place where pecan trees could thrive. The original house had a lot of pecan trees in the yard, meaning that we always had pecans to eat.

sigh, I really wish this was more obtainable, however, I am not nearly well off enough to obtain such a goal.

at least I can remember how it looks from memory. . .

How do you solve a problem like. . .

(right before I wrote this, I was helping a resident change their TV to the Sound of Music and this song was just ending. I've had it in my head all day).

I am not the smartest person, I'm not stupid, or dumb, but I'm not exactly beaming with intelligence either. I'm also certainly not ignorant. However, I have my moments of brilliance.

if anything, I'm clever. I find new ways to solve old problems, that sometimes turn out better than the other way. Sometimes not. I take pride in my cleverness, knowing I can do things my way (if not better than the other). And they mostly don't end in complete failure, so that's good.

Every Sunday, I help a certain women bathe. Getting to help her and spend time with her really makes my day. We've got a good connection, she and I. One of the first things that I impressed her with is by using my cleverness to help her in an uncomfortable situation. She is paralyzed on her left side and can't move very well. One of the biggest problems when bathing her is how she would slide down and not be able to get back up. So, I put a towel underneath her, long ways, so when she slides down, I can pull her up.

she's never stopped complimenting my solution and best of all, it makes her happy.

I have many more examples, but I might save those for another day. For now, its time to work.

Do you even read the titles?

Seriously, that's one of my favorite parts about blogging, the titles!!!!

Anyway, do you know what today is? Six months ago, I started this blog. Yay, we made it half way. 

Looking back at where I started, I've gotta say, wow. Everything is completely different. But I've already talked about that, repeatedly. I know I repeat myself quite frequently. 

I've also been feeling kind of off. Like, I've been a lot more lax about posting daily. When I miss a post, I try and double up the next day, but I really don't have all the time to focus on quality posts anymore. My job really takes a lot of everything out of me. Being only part time, I'm working as many hours as full time, if not more (as long as my supervisor is ok with overtime). I'm glad that I'm there, though.

Unfortunately, I'm completely scatterbrained, so writing anything past this isn't happening right now. So, I'm going to continue watching our programs with my editor and begin wrapping presents. 

Yeah, Christmas is in a few days. . . Oh boy,

Fixer-Upper

I may have started getting my spark back. I don't know.

After toodling around town for a few hours, I went to hang out at my editor's work until it was time for him to be off and drag him to the mall for more shopping. And to see a movie.

Of all the major blockbusters to go see, we went to see Frozen, the newest Disney flick. Honestly, it's as cliche and hammy as any animated Disney film, but I absolutely loved it. It really spoke out and made me make a lot, and I mean a lot of parallels with everything that's been going on. 

More than anything, I'm glad that Disney is focusing more on familial love rather than a rushed together romance like it has in the past. If you haven't seen Brave, do it now. 

Sometimes it takes a little something from the outside to ignite the fires of change. (Obvious distater joke is obvious). 

Unfortunately, I don't have all the time to devote to a truly fantastic update post, because I have to be at work in 4 hours. And I desperately need to shower. Like, you have no idea.

So, if I have some time to kill, I'm going to write another post. Tomorrow I've got a big day ahead of me.

Settled

I hate being home in the position of having to say the things people don't want to hear. Unfortunately, when things need to be said, there is little room for beating around the bush. It's not easy telling someone that they've done something wrong or that they need to get their lives in order. I'm someone who doesn't like conflict, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of confrontation.

having said that mess of a paragraph, well, I don't actually know.

I've been so caught up in drama that I haven't had any time to write posts of value. I really hate that. When I'm so stressed out from everything that has been going on that I barely have any motivation to draw or write, I feel absolutely terrible. If I can't express myself through normal means, things get ugly.

I just don't want to be the only person trying to improve what's been going on.

Chatterbox

there is something ridiculously relaxing about being able to rant about life to people who listen to you. And for that, its only fair that I learn to listen to others as well, though I feel I could do better at it.

I just spent the last few hours on and off the phone with my best friend from high school, the one we surprised and kidnapped back in August. She called right as I came into work and besides having to hang up to go to my residents, its the first time we've gotten to talk for this long of a time. Good news is that she got a real person job that she starts soon!!! A super congratulations to her!!!

I can't wait until the time where we live closer to each other, or at least can afford to travel more often. I'd say the same about most of my friends, actually.

ah well. "once I win the lottery. . . " or something.

dare

for whatever reason, I've got the sensation of feeling like I'm being held. Its like im buried in a man's chest with his arms around me.

who is this person? My father? My lover? My brother?

why am I being held? Am I being comforted? Am I sad?

I don't know why I have this feeling or image in my mind. I don't know if I dreamt it or if I'm just imagining things.

honestly, I just don't know.

I suppose you want an update

So, I've just started writing a post every two days now. Deal with it.

I've been working my butt off, and I never have enought time and thought to really write a good post.

Maybe I will tomorrow. I don't know.

I'm going to lay here in bed and play video games. Deal with it. 

I got a snuggle buddy. 

Standing on the soapbox

My desire to keep writing on time since the semester ended seems to have come to a halt. Not for a lack of ideas and topics, I just generally do have the drive to want to write. Maybe it's because I'm ready to hibernate, or that I just want to focus on enjoying the holiday, or perhaps its because I'm trying to hold together my personal life as it's falling apart.

It's no secret that I've been through a lot, and whatever I have received, I worked very hard for. This greatly reflects my world view. I strongly believe that nothing comes without sacrifice. Not necessarily in a big, scary way, but a very basic "equivalent exchange" kind of thing. Part of this is from what I've learned from watching so much anime, and the other part is from experience.

think of something basic, for example. I like to play video games, and they tend to be expensive. In order to afford them, I have to work my butt off, meaning I don't necessarily have time for socializing, if I also want to spend time playing games. I chose to sacrifice my social life to work and earn something I wanted. That, and I tend to be rather introverted, so yeah.

I could give more examples but they would all be very similar. For the argument "why can't I just have my cake and eat it too?" I'd respond with"what are you willing to do to make it happen?"

this also means I'm the kind of person who will works for what she wants, meaning if everyone else is in a humbug because of many reasons, and I really want a Christmas tree, I will get it myself and take care of it by myself if I'm the only one who actually wants it. This makes me kind of an asshole, but at the same time, I'll go off and do my own thing if everyone else is being unreasonable or stubborn.

another part of my core beliefs is that if there is a problem, then it needs to be addressed, understood, and fixed. Even the worst kind of problems or mistakes need to be taken care of properly. There is usually some kind of reason when bad things happen, but they may not always be done by bad people, just people who made a bad decision. This isn't always the case, but I tend to give people the benefit of doubt, within reason.

so yeah, I get frustrated when people start throwing around blame and a punishment as if it is some kind of devine justice. I feel that blaming people may make you feel better, but ultimately, its pointless. Yes, there are causes for everything, and properly acknowledgment of them needs to happen. But when someone is like "*** is all *** fault" or "if it weren't for ****, **** wouldn't've *****." or something. Same thing with unjustifiable anger or holding grudges. If you are going to never let something go for whatever reason, you are becoming part of the problem. Now, if something bad happens to you, I don't think you should have to forget about it, or completely forgive them, but if you step out of your comfort zone and try to understand what happened, it might help you move forward. Its certainly a lot harder to do, but in the end it makes you a stronger person and whomever might have wronged you help "fix" their mistake.

the problem of my way of doing this is that it looks very weird from the outside. It may look like a"forgive and forget" kind if things or pretending something didn't happen, but that is because they unfortunately look very similar. If someone isn't angry, someone might think that no process is happening. Everything takes time, and nothing comes easy.
it makes sense if you don't think about it.

I'm just afraid people might think I'm just acting like an old 50's wife, trying to cover up all the dirty little secrets and problems to put on a good face in case the neighborhood starts talking. "oh what would the ******s think?!?" kind of crap. I may not want to talk about the specifics, but I'm not afraid to say that I've gone through shit, and had to deal with a lot of shit, and honestly, its not all that bad. Its not the worst. I've come a long way and I've put a lot of effort into making my life the way I want it to be, given what I've got. And I do it all willingly, because that is my choice and its what I believe.

I'm a lot stronger than look.
.

No, when I see stars, thats all they are

So, that's it. I'm all done with school for thus semester. And what's even better? I got a 96% on the final!!! I've never done that well in a math test at all!!! So, how am I celebrating?

by going to a fine restaurant, of course!

actually, I had planned on taking my editor here for his birthday and let me tell you, it is quite fancy. He told me about this last year when he was doing a lot of hiking, and I decided to take him to this restaurant for his birthday.

expensive as all hell, but Yolo, right?

right, when we're home I will post the pictures of this place.

Fly Fly Baby Dont Cry

I've mention before how much I love the song "Kill Your Heroes" by Awolnation, right? Well, since all my music from my iPad got deleted, I haven't heard it or any of my regular songs in about a month. So, her I am, working overnight, doing my final rounds, and as I'm walking to check on someone, I hear the radio playing in the distance.

can you guess what song was playing?

Kill Your Heroes.

and it had just started, too. So obviously I stopped and sang along to it (quitely), until it was over.

its really incredible how much inspiration I get from hearing that song and how much it improves my mood. Not just because I love the song, but because of the connection I've made between it and my story. It fills me with ideas and scenes that I have planned in my head. Making me feel the emotions of the characters to which I have made.

I guess it's because this is something that is truly my own, something that I want to have remembered (if I ever finish it), that it has such influence on my life. When I think about what I want to do with the story or the characters, it makes me ridiculously happy.

I don't know why, ok. Don't ask questions.

AH EM FEHD AHP WIT DIS WHURLD

I don't even care if I miss a few posts here and there, as long as I can make up for it over the next few days.

in other news, I'm not as sick as I was!!! Although, there is a nasty sore throat things that has been floating around the fishbowl. So I've been wearing a mask to try and protect myself, or at least protect the residents from whatever I had.

I also forgot that I have to work overnight tonight, as well as my normal shift. But that's ok, because I am now the new mayor of a quaint little town that is populated with humanoid animal. That's not weird, right?

what's even better is my character looks like my mom. Teehee.

right, more later. Gotta work now.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock

Tomorrow morning, I have to take my japanese final. It is also my editor's birthday.

But for time time being, I'm still as sick as i was yesterday, so I really haven't left the bed at all. 

I also ought to go to sleep, so, yeah. G'night.

Tempermental

for having to work at 5am, I didn't get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned and at one point, I might have as well as been on fire, I was so hot. Something wasn't right within my body and I didn't know how to combat it.

When it was time to wake up, my stomach clenched and cramped as soon as I tried to make an upright position. I was nauseous and didn't want to do much of anything. I tried to overcome my sickness, but I eventually caved and called the people who worked overnight, asking them for advice. I eventually settled on going into work until the morning manager came in for me to talk face to face with her. She said it was fine for me to leave after an hour, since I shouldn't be around the residents if I'm ill, contagious or not.

I returned to to comfort of my bed for another 6 hours, moving my editor out of the way so I could be by the cold window. I actually felt a little better when I had to walk through the cold. I took my temperature while I was at work, it was around 98.3, but my normal temperature is around 96.7, that felt like a fever to me.

about an hour before I had to wake up for work, I ended up overheating during the night. I had already stripped down to as little as possible and kicked off all the blankets when it happened. I couldn't get comfortable and I felt absolutely terrible. My editor noticed that I didn't have any blankets, so he tried covering me back up, thinking I must have been cold. Unfortunately, it was quite the opposite.

so I called out of my other job, saying if they couldn't find anyone I'd still come in, but they said don't worry about it. I had a few more hours to work on my math homework, and I finished all my work for the weekend. Now all I have to do is prepare for the final.

I'm still feeling fantastically terrible, so depending on how I feel in the morning, I may stay home another day. I feel bad for having to miss work, but with this questionable condition I am in, I don't think I should go.

well, I ought to get some rest, all my kitties have been waiting for me to go to bed, so I should join them.

Final countdown

"Neneneeee neeee, neneneneeerrrr,"

Or something like that. 

The clock is ticking down til the moment when the semester ends. I've got to muster through my Japanese final and than it's all math. My irritating teacher is allowing us to redo one assignment, so hopefully I can score some more points, you know, cause I'm trying not to fail. Hopefully she won't mark me down too much for not having any of my classmates respond to my story problem. Whatever.

So, besides having to drown myself in homework, I've got to work for most of the day, including getting my happy butt up before 5am. I'm wide awake now, which is terrible. 

But my brain stopped working, so I'm done here.

Bye.

not that it really matters

a pleasant mix of productive yet not productive activities happened throughout today. I'd like to say I accomplished a lot, but in reality, my editor and I just watched a lot of videos. But we are completely caught up on the Let's Plays that I am absolutely obsessed with. And we finally watch Sunshine, which was an incredible movie. Go watch it. Now.

and with that, I will retreat to the safety of my heated blankets. Its super cold outside.

maybe tomorrow I will get a Christmas tree. . .

Thirty Below

It's not that cold out, but you get the picture. 

I'm actually a little upset that it didn't snow the entire day, it was so lovely out and I didn't want it to end. I ended up spending more of the day inside than outside I even had a little nap, too.

I'm going to enjoy the remainder of my evening of nothingness. Though, It might end up ending a lot sooner than later, I'm getting sleepy.

Right. 

I am become defeated

http://scenesfromsmithpark.blogspot.com/2013/12/wanderlust.html?m=1
shout out to scenes from smith park for this one.

well, I didn't get off work early, so that means unless I don't want to sleep at all tonight, I won't be finishing any of my Japanese projects. Luckily, I've already come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to retake parts 2 and 3 of these courses if I want to have any understanding of the language. I just hope I will have time to. . .

its currently snowing quite a bit right now, and since its nighttime, it is absolutely beautiful out. I love when the snow shimmers and sparkles in the lights. What makes it even better is that there are already some Christmas lights out, so we get rainbow sparkles!!!

I'm still not sure what I'm going to be able to do about school and work, but whatever happens, I just want to be happy.

and have time to draw, that helps too.

Safe Place to Hide

no matter where I go or what I do, I always try to have a small sanctuary that I can flee too when I get overwhelmed. If my presences isn't required anywhere and I don't have anything else to do, I often go to these places to gather my wits.

for as long as I have known myself, I've always found places like this. Be it inside a large tree, or at a park, or in some secluded room away from the chaos outside, I am able to hide here.

at my last job, I mentioned how I spent way too much time in the bathroom, not necessarily using them, just, hiding. I hate to say it, but that habit has followed me to the fishbowl. Its mostly when I get overwhelmed during dinner or if I have nothing else to do but don't want to be given another task, I flee to one of the few bathrooms here. They are clean and comfortable, and nobody asks questions when I'm in there for a long time.

at the end of each of the hallways here, there are little sitting rooms, some have TVs, some have exercise equipment, and one even has some computers we are allowed to use on our breaks. If I'm not needed elsewhere, I tend to wander to those areas.

I know its probably not the best idea to spend most of your working hours hiding, but I try to spend as much time doing other things if I'm not needed.

I probably should go back out and face the world again, huh?

Preparation

Besides the impending panic that comes from the end of the semester, there is supposed to be a snowstorm that is heading our way. On top of that, our neighbor came by and told us her power went out mysteriously. Not only that, but we found more water had seeped in from the walls and leaked all the way into the hallway.

I really can't win, can i?

my motivation is severely lacking and I'm afraid I've caught a bit of whatever bug that has been going around work. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Because Everytime I See You, Its Gonna Be a Nice Day

after scrambling to complete my homework, I managed to still get to bed at a reasonable hour. I was supposed to buy more toilet paper but the store was closed by the time I went back out, so I improvised until I was able to go back to the store and buy some toilet paper. Foolish me, thinking that it would be ok to have a small stack of tissues to hold us over for about 5 hours. *rolls eyes*

any day that starts out rocky usually turns out ok. Today, actually, was a very good day. Though I didn't have to work, I still didn't study at all for my Japanese class, but I did do a lot of cleaning. And I proved myself to be an absolute genius, though I wonder why I don't think of it sooner.

anyway, I'm tired. But happy. And that's all I need.