Circles out of Squares

This world is just one adventure after another. After thanksgiving, I had to start working at 6am all the way until 10pm. Sure, I volunteered for it, but it still sucked. It really gave me a good perspective on how understaffed we are.

honestly, the job isn't as difficult as it sounds and its certainly worth while. I hope we find more people soon.

but because I had to work so much, I didn't bother writing. I managed to finish all my math homework tonight, and I found someone to cover my shift tomorrow, so I can focus on doing more homework. Damnit.

Time

This time last year, my editor and I were visiting his parents for the holiday. It was the first time I met his step father in person, though I had heard a lot about him before. I remember lying in bed in the room they let us stay in, speculating my situation. Whether or not I was sure I knew what I was doing. The room had a very specific smell to it, the scent of wood and construction, as well as a lovely candle his mother put in for us. When we went back in July, I actually was very happy to be there again.

over the years, I have done a lot of traveling, and that means I've stayed at a lot of different places. Each time we stayed at a family member's home, each hotel, each time we camped out, they all had very specific feels to them. When I revisit them, it brings back those memories.

so when I went to my uncle's house to meet with the family, I felt very similar. We've stayed with him more often than any other relative.

we all had a wonderful time at dinner. I was still tired from work, but I was able to enjoy everyone's company. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again.

but for now, I need to sleep.

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination

What can I say? Life is filled with ups and downs. We learn to deal with them and we adapt, or we don't. That's it. 

I'm tired of trying to justify myself and those who are important to me to whoever tried to tell us that we are wrong for being ourselves. I am one of those people who is happy to admit when they've messed up and does whatever they can to try and return whatever it was back to normal. I know few people who are like me in that aspect, but the one I did find is who I chose to stay by my side as long as we can make it. 

Another thing, on the subject of anger, I, like every other human being, experiance an emotion called anger. It's not pretty. In fact, I hate being angry more than anything else in the world. There are points in life where it has its uses, but for my life, I don't need it and I sure as hell don't want it. Unfortunately that means I try and maintain an anger free lifestyle, and it sometimes means I let a lot of things pile up inside me untile I explode. It's not exactly right either, but I'm able to handle the explosions a lot better than I did before. 

With everything that has been going on in my life, it's hard not to get angry with the world or everything that comes across my path. But my emotions change quickly and often in a very predictable pattern.

Normal state is usually something close to happy, if not content. If life is good, I'm extremely happy and chipper, and I try to share this emotion with those around me. If that desire isn't met, it turns into frustration, then irritation, that if it gets out of control, Anger. Because I hate being angry so much, I get frustrated with myself and I let myself slip into a bit of sadness, where I'm reminded of all the things I don't want to think about. Sometimes it swaps back and fourth between anger and sadness several times before I'm able to climb out of that hole. But when I am, it's back where we started. 

A you can see, I can be quite a handful to deal with, but honestly, I'm not too unlike any other human, and I guess that should be comforting?

Whatever, I ought to keep myself awake more if I'm at work.

Ciao.

Well Rested

I don't always go to bed before midnight, but when I do, its because I've just worked 20 hours.

I stayed in bed for most of the morning, I even got up, showered, and went back to bed in a towel. Honestly, I do that a lot. If I don't have a lot I need to do in a day, I'll shower early and spend most of the day avoiding getting dressed. There is a certain joy that comes from spending most of a day naked.

and on the topic of grooming, I finally trimmed those jagged talons that were growing on my fingers. I don't know why my fingers always feel so weird after I trim my nails, but they do.

ok, time to get back to work. Every time its slow like this, and I know there isn't anything for me to do, I feel bad for not doing anything, so I spend most of my time either walking around or hiding in the bathroom. Al least it's almost dinner time and that means something to do~!

I'll sleep when I'm dead

Honestly, it's a miracle that I'm still standing, ok well, right now I'm sitting, but you get the point. It's days like today that I really wish I could just record every single thought I have, because no matter how tired I am, my brain doesn't shut off. Some thoughts are good, some are bad, some make absolutely no sense. Actually, most of them are complete nonsense, unless you are me, because they at least make a little sense to me.

it's not right, but I'm starting to get rather impatient with who or whatever is holding the workers back from being able to fix my place. I need to go back to my own environment. I know I've said this a million times before, but I am so ready to be home. I am not the only one with this opinion, that if I was back on my own, many lives would be better. I'm not going to pretend that when it does happen, it will erase the problems of the past, but I know it will help us form a better future.

sorry, I'm always so vague, but there really some things that are better left unsaid.

one in the same

one of the residents here in the fishbowl has the same name as mine. Some of the other residents often make jokes about it, and I've been known to make a few myself. Sometimes when I see her and she asks me who I am, I'm tempted to say "I am you," but I don't.

I know how I feel about our names, but I'm rather curious about how she feels about them.

I wonder if she has ever heard that old Elvis Costello song before. . .

Maybe I'm just insane

not going to lie, yesterday's post was about to be written when I fell asleep. I had my phone on my hand, ready to start.

see how well that worked out.

the only good news I've got is that my editor and I finally caved and bought a space heater for our room, as well as two heated blankets. It was so wonder sleeping in them. Shame I won't get to have that luxury tonight.

not long after I got to work, I received word that they needed someone to cover the overnight shift tonight. This was right after I told someone that I would help cover half of their shift tomorrow morning. So like the idiot i am, I said why the hell not.

rackin up those hours baby.

my manager said she would approve all overtime this week and next, so I'm loading up my schedule. I'm probably going to regret this, aren't I?

must have slipped my mind

believe me, I think about writing a post and what to write multiple times during the day. Its only when I am starting to get tired or have something else going on that I forgot completely and remember the next morning.

today is like that. Right before I feel asleep on my friend's couch, I thought to myself how I needed to write something. I was so tired that I never did wake myself back up to do it.

while I was working yesterday morning, I thought about writing plenty of times. I even had a lot of free time to do it. But I didn't and right now I don't remember what I was going to type.

although, there is this, the most common advice I am given by the residents is"don't become old." which is absolutely useless advice. I can't tell that they are warning me not to grow old and die younger, or that they are encouraging me to find a way to become immortal. I appreciate it when they say it to me because it shows a lot about who they are and how they feel. Every single one of these people, regardless of whether or not I like their attitudes, I'm going to miss them.

I'm far away from nowhere

I am going to have to apologize if this post is an absolute train wreck, but I couldn't be helped.

so, last night, this is what I dreamt:
Someone who seemed familiar but wasn't and myself were in some kind of desert. I am sure that some kind of combat was involved, but honestly, I don't remember. It started out as a water conservation problem, but eventually changed into something completely different, as is such that most dreams do. I, as well as this other girl were in charge of this little post in the middle of nowhere, and we disagreed about how we should use our water. She wanted to use it all while I wanted to conserve it because I knew it would run out fairly quickly. Like dreams often do, it completely changed pace when this little miniature submarine which you could actually pilot showed up. Honestly, I don't remember much about why it happened, but for what ever reason, I got to explore the depths of the ocean in this little machine.

the part I remember the most is when I guess I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with little to no power left in my machine. At the time, I was frantically trying to communicate with any of my comrades, even those I disliked. It was cold, dark, and cramped. I knew the if I wasn't able to drive my way out, that I was going to die there.

immersed in this frightening loneliness, I clung to any strand of hope I had. Besides the image of my comrade's face on a screen, all I saw was a deep blue darkness. I didn't want to die in such a place, I was terrified. I remember talking to one person, someone who I may or may not have had a difficult relationship with, saying how happy I was to talk with them. Just then, in the midst of the darkness, I felt an unsettling sensation on my leg.

in reality, my foot slipped out from the covers and touched a different textured blanket, therefore causing me to freak out. I jolted awake, my heart pounding.

if anything, this dream only further cemented my feel fear of the ocean. And I still have no idea what it means.

I hate these blurred lines.

You know I'm really liking this constant stomach ache. It's making my life quite happy and it keeps me feeling just spiffy.

Not.

I'm not exactly sure what is the cause if this feeling, but something in my gut keeps telling me that something isn't quite right. What's worse is I'm not sure how to fix it either. Maybe it's a mix of frustration and nervousness, possibly with a dash of mild irritation. . . 

Maybe it will get better soon.

At least I've got a nice long break coming up, that I've got to work the whole time. . . 

Life in the fishbowl

I've decided to refer to my place of employment as the fishbowl from now on. It wasn't until I heard a resident say it again that I realized that she gave me the idea, but it works. I mean, all of us there spend the whole time swimming from one end to the other, waiting to get scooped out. One of these days, I'm going to write an in depth story about what I've seen here, but for now, I have to stick to this blog of mine. 

In other news, today is/was, depending on what time it is, my sister's birthday! We did what we could, all things considered, and I'm hoping she had a lot of fun!

I hate to say it, but my creative streak hit a wall. I'm just hoping I wake up in time to finish my homework. . . 

Landslide

life has a funny way of giving you something great and then slapping you in the face with it. How are we supposed to deal when as soon as one thing is fixed, something bigger breaks. Should we hold those responsible at a higher standard than we would for ourselves, or try and understand why they did what they did.

we are all only human, after all.

ain't that a shame

my condolences for all the people who have been hit by the recent tornadoes, which includes one of my high school friends. Luckily, he's ok, the rest of the town, not so much.

I am absolutely drained. I'm tired and its hard to want to anything knowing that I don't get any breaks from it.

today at work was particularly brutal. A few weeks ago, this wonderful woman who's health was declining recently, had a stroke. Since then, she's hasn't been herself at all, and to be honest, she's been frantic and extremely high maintenance. She doesn't know what she wants and gets scared any time she is along, meaning she needs someone by her side at all times. Good news is, she has someone right now. I just hope they both will be ok.

right now, I don't even know what I'm going to do anymore. (except I kinda do).

Burial at Sea

^which is the name of the DLC I am currently downloading for Bioshock infinite. Happy times!

other than that, I don't have much to report. I did my homework yesterday so I would have time to waste on video games tonight. See, I can get ahead in life!!!

alright, I'm off. See you at the bottom of ocean.

Like the Boom of a Cannon

as tired as I was last night, I managed to wake myself up on time, shower, and mosey down to work where it was still questionable whether or not I was going to actually work. Unfortunately, someone did call out, so I had to stay, but this time I got to work in the only hallway that I had yet to work. I barely knew anything about the people there, but I was eager to learn!

it was actually very easy, getting everyone up and learning what they needed. It also helped that the woman who I was complaining about yesterday wasn't managing, so she wasn't breathing down my neck, and she actually helped me a lot. Let me clarity something, I don't hate her or wish ill upon her, I just don't like her attitude or how she rushed everything. I'm one who gives credit where credit is due, and just because I don't like the way she acts doesn't mean I'm incapable of seeing how hard she works or how well she does her job. And even though I'm not fond of her, I am still nice and respectful towards her.

anyway, one of the great parts about working this new hallway meant I finally could fill the holes in my mind about this place. I met two new people, one I didn't even realize existed until last week. so yay!

though it was super windy, the sun was shining and it was a very beautiful day. Oddly enough, the wind "blew in" a sign of what was to come. Before I knew anything, it was right around the time when I took my break. I snuck over to my usual spot by the public computers, when I saw that the chairs that belong there were gone. I decided to go to another spot, but there was someone else there. I didn't think anything of it at the time, so I retreated to the break room.

later on, i noticed that we were going to have special guests for lunch and I asked about who they might be. That was when i found out something awful. Right around when i went on my break, one of the residents who i was very fond of, had passed. He wasn't in the greatest of health, but he was still looking pretty good last time I saw him. It came as a big shock to me.

the first night i worked his hallway, he was very kind and patient with me. He spoke of how he used to be a magistrate in the military right after WWII. I enjoyed talking to him and hearing his stories, and he was very interested in hearing what it was like for me being familiar with the military as well. He made me feel welcome and helpful, especially when I was so unsure of what I was supposed to be doing.

Right after I was told what happened, I looked outside and saw that the beatuiful clear and sunny sky had gone away, and the wind blew in these grey clouds that seemed to loom overhead. The weather certainly has a way of setting the mood. . . 

surely, I'm going to miss him, but I have to remember this was inevitable. Like all things, this will come to pass, as we all do, I guess.

IN:visible

besides absolutely despising the morning shift and the speed-driven manager, its been a good morning. I know its odd for me to make a post before noon, but I don't want to let this thought escape into the nothingness of the day.

by the time I was able to sneak away on break, I was joined in my little electronic corner by two middle aged people. They were trying to have as much of a private conversation as they could, but I couldn't help but overhear a large part of it. Much like the topic of many of my recent posts, they were talking about death. I don't know if someone they knew had just died or if they were preparing for a death, but they talked a lot about it. The woman mentioned how this country's attitude towards death is rather harsh. When someone dies, there may only be a day or two that they are allowed to grieve in, then its back to work. In other countries, there is a lot more time allowed for the bereaved. I do not actually know how much of what she said was true, but in my experience, that seemed to be the case.

the gentlemen with her had a few rather interesting and harsh things to say about this establishment. Thanks to them, I'm going to be keeping an eye open around here. . .

that's all for now.

No regrets, sorry not sorry.

I take great pride in my work, even the silly and rather embarrassing works. I am always the happiest when I complete whatever I am working on, and I always compulsively check on them once they are submitted online.

I'm always looking for feedback, so I really want to know what people think of my work. Sigh, such is the life.

well, it's 2am and I have to be at work in 4 hours. Later~!

Live, Laugh, Love.

^honestly, I absolutely despise that phrase.

Today was rather fantastic, actually. I woke up an hour before I had to be at work, mostly because I spent all of the night working on a wonderful drawing (which I'm going to finish tonight!). I'm really excited about this work, honestly anything that gets me out of an art block makes me happy.

also, when I came home from work, not only had my sister finally got her car back, but she made an amazing dinner. Cornish hens with a fancy pumpkin and other veggies, and some raspberry lambic!!! I am so full. Seriously, if I ever own my own restaurant, my sister is going to make most of the recipes.

well, I want to finish these drawings.

Just like that, and its gone.

I don't know why, but when I get news of something sad, I feel a sudden drop in my body. Through my chest, arms, legs, everywhere, a cold sensation rushes through me. Its eerie, and very unsettling, but I can't control it. A bit of bad news changes everything in an instant, like it did tonight.

I've actually had a wonderful day. So I really can't complain. However, while taking with my coworkers, I found out something upsetting.

this is how the conversation went:
A-"hey, so do you know who came and took her body?
B-"I think her family did."
Me-"who? What happened?"
A-"***** passed away."
Me-"when?!?"
B-"earlier tonight."

and that was all I got. We speculated where this woman's body was supposed to go, but other than that, we didn't talk about it. I never really took care of her and only knew a little about her. She was in very poor health, both mentally and physically, so it really wasn't a surprise. Just shocking.

the girl who I was asking the woman about had worked with her quite often, so I can't imagine how she feels.

sometimes I forget that ultimately, this is a place where people come to die.

Why are there so many mails?

so, i know i missed yesterdays post, and i was completely aware i was doing it at the time. but thats what happens when you wake up at noon, then do math until midnight, and mess around until its bedtime at 2am. deal with it.

so, this one might be a twofer, if i have time to make another post tonight.

i was talking with a resident on her way back from dinner, and she remarked how there was a lot of mail that needed to go out tomorrow. my brain had a little idea, and i said, "now that would be something, if i could turn into a mail, and then experience what it was like going through the mailing system. you really couldn't do it any other way but by actually BEING mail. it could be fun, right?" to which the woman with me laughed.

it really wasn't all that funny, but the obsurdity of the statement was what made it worth a little chuckle.

anyway, it made my day a little better.

Pause

though I have to devote all my time to homework, I'm really looking forward to my day off tomorrow. I'm also really looking forward to actually sleeping tonight.

so, yeah. I'm sleepy.

bye.

No there ain't no rest for the wicked

Well, here I am. Burning the midnight oil again. So far, its been a pretty good night, all things considered.

as soon as I got off work this morning, the woman who I am not very fond of gave me a call saying I didn't take out the trash. I did take the trash out exactly the way that I had always done when I worked with this other woman, however I guess that wasn't enough. I had just got home and lied down when she called. She even told me that I should go back to work and take out the trash. My only response was "I probably shouldn't," since that would mean working off the clock, but that was my only way of saying "fuck you" to her for even asking such an outrageous thing. Yeah, I should have took out the trash right, but it wasn't even full, there were two little bags in it and its a huge waste of a bag to throw the whole thing out.

anyway. . .

After she hung up, i went back to bed and slept until around 10 when the restoration workers came by to tear out our damaged walls. So i had to scramble around the house, throw all the animals in my sister's room where she was completely unconscious, and drag my editor out of bed. We then threw our desk, chairs, and what ever else was on the floor onto the bed, and fled to a certain pancake house.

once we were able to go back in the house, we reorganized our desk space and its much better now. I attempted to nap, but i received a call from my coworker, asking me to work for her tomorrow afternoon. I said yes, since no one else could.

my editor and I piddled around until it was time for us to go to work, and here we are now.

its been an awfully busy day, and i am going to savor every minute i get to sleep. Until then, I'm going to keep myself awake the same way i did last night, by watching anime! Yay for WiFi and Crunchyroll!!!

The Gift that keeps on Giving

Earlier, one of the more popular residents moved out to another facility, and when she did, she gave a few of her caretakers thank-you cards, and some of those contained cash. Now, by the fabulous code that we are required to abide by, we caretakers are not allowed to keep such gifts. This is understandable, and I can see why it could be a problem. However, in this case with the resident leaving, and leaving a gift of thanks, it really shouldn't be a problem that the recipients keep their gifts. 

But it is a problem. 

I was talking with my fellow caregivers and we were pondering what was going to be done with the returned gifts. First, the worst case and most unlikely, is that those who have to take back the gifts, keep them for themselves. This is just as unethical as if the original recipients kept it (I guess). Second, involved pooling the resources together into some kind of "donation fund" to be used for whatever the facility needed. Lastly, and possibly the most likely of outcomes, is that it is returned to the resident or their family. I imagine that is what is going to happen, I'm just glad I wasn't one of the recipients because I don't want to deal with that shitstorm. 

On the subject of my work, or at least somewhat inspired by it, my wonderfully creative brain had a thought.

Say, for example, that there was some kind of genie, and it's sole purpose was to grant a person a chance to relive their youth, for a price, of course. I imagine that this genie would come to places much like here, and offer those who are only a shell of their fomer selves an option. If they wanted he could transform their bodies (and mind, also) back to the way it was during the prime of their lives. That way, they could live like they did once again and spend time with their familes or do whatever it is that they wanted to do. However, the price of the transformation was that they only could live for a week like that and as soon as their time was over, they would die. 

Some people would think this to be horrific and somewhat malicious, but others could see it as merciful. Personally, I see it as equal. In exchange for a chance to relive your prime, you must give up the remainder of your life. 

For those who no longer are able to do much, like live independently or move on their own, or even those who no longer seem themselves as useful in this world, I imagine that they would take the chance. Not only as a means of redemption, but as an escape from the limbo that they are stuck in.

For those who still have a lot left to live for, like their families or something like that, I imagine that they would refuse it, for now at least.

If I was in the position many of my residents are in, would I take that offer? Honestly, I don't know.

http://youtu.be/x5JvbD2Zc9I

IDONTKNOWWHATIWANT

I am so tired and a little confused, and for the time being, I'm just going to sit her and mope about things.

Other than that, today at work, I got to paint with some of the residents, actually, just one. Well, this is what we painted.

Nothing special. 

Getting a chance to paint really made me feel better. Hurray for arts and crafts!!!

Kick and Scream and Fight Like Hell.

In my attempt to climb my way out of this damned hole I'm in, I'm left wondering whether or not it's all worth it. I mean, what am I really doing with my life? There is so much I want to accomplish and I sure as hell have the ability to do it, but the one thing that stops me is how much it all costs. I don't want to be stuck working 40+ hours in this limbo just to scrape by in life, I want to be able to have the work I want to do be enough to support as much as a small family. I don't want to put all my hope into a lottery or have to rely on someone else either.

what I'm saying is that I'm feeling mopey today and don't know what else to write. So there.

No matter what I have to face, I'm not going to give up. And I'm not going to let myself get in the way. I've still got a lot left to accomplish, so as long as I can still do something, I'll be ok.

(when did this turn into a self motivation speech?)

Initiate Plan B

I'm all about ready to quit life and ask for a refund. Its not like things are particularly bad, I'm just tired and I can't seem to get anything right. And even that is an over dramatization of the situation.

It's really not as big of a deal as I'm making it to be.

So, though I'm still able to withdraw, I think what I'm going to do, since I never did make that video I needed, is I'm going to finish this semester of Japanese, and than retake the second and third part of the course next semester, and if the teacher allows it, do that along side the fourth part of the course. I really don't care about grades, but I've missed so much material and I ought to go back and revisit certain subjects, like verbs.

the hardest part about all this is going to face my teacher after missing another 3 days of class, and still not having the assignment that I kept missing class to finish done. I want to show that I'm very serious about this class, but its hard to since I've barely been there. Before the flood happened, I was on top of all my homework and I went to class every time. Once things settled down, I just stayed in bed and hid. I'm not really proud of this, but I did that a lot last semester, and the semester before that. Every now and then, I get really nervous and frustrated about school and how I want to do well but I don't even want to be there. So I end up hiding up in my house for a week or to, and if I'm lucky, my teachers won't judge me for missing so much. However, Sensei has always been very strict about the assignments, and I don't want to get special treatment just because I'm having a bad day.

I'm using up all my focus for this damned math class, and its still kicking my ass.

what makes me even more frustrated is that I still haven't been able to draw like I used to. Its times like these that I'm stuck in a rut and facing a huge art block. I get so stressed out that I can't even draw, and I hate that the most.

I don't want to admit defeat just yet, but I ran out of ammunition two years ago and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now.

I just hope I can make it to class tomorrow. . .

it feels so much later then it is

why is it that anytime I actually have time and a plan to do something, something else gets in the way? I came home from work and saw my editor had gone through half a bottle of burbon. At first he was rather happy with himself, and though I'm a little irritated, I was happy to see him. Things quickly changed when his stomach decided that it no longer wanted to contain its contents, and he spent the next several hours puking. He's asleep now, and is doing much better.
I'm probably going to join him in a few. I'm pretty tired myself.

Another day well wasted

Goddamnit, I did it again. I had a whole day to do everything, but because I was left doing it alone, I didn't end up doing anything. 

Ok, maybe that didn't make sense. . .

Anyway, Halloween was awesome, and several people loved our costumes. We also saw quite a few rare references, however, I'm not entirely sure it was real. It gets pretty fuzzy around midnight. .  

Anywho, I'm tired and I have to get back to the 'ol grind tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Also, my little fluffy cat CHOSE to cuddle with me and sleep on the bed next to me. I want you all to know how rare and magical this is. She makes my life better.