Ave, True to Caesar.

happy Halloween everybody! Our costumes are finished and my editor and I are heading out to do. . . something,

whatever happens, we're going to be very cold.

hopefully I'll remember enough of tonight to tell it tomorrow.

Safety First!

All work and no play

You would be surprised with the amount of cat hair that can accumulate in just a few days. I mean really, I JUST vacuumed the carpets the other day and they were already filthy. And it didn't help that I once again had to clean up dog pee. I'm not sure if I'll be keeping one of these black area rugs when I move back, depends on if I can be cleaned. . . 

Speaking of moving back, I got news saying that the repair company will NOT need a permit for the things they need to replace, and now all that is left for them is to get the OK from the insurance companies. Soon, maybe in a month or so, they'll be able to start putting things back, and who knows, maybe I'll be able to live in there soon! 

Every time I walk by my apartment, I get this odd feeling in my stomach like I know I live there, and that I belong there, but I can't be there. It's hard to describe. I don't know how things will be when I'll be able to live there again, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. 

My editor and I are attempting to go as members of the Legion from Fallout New Vegas. The only problem is that I get to try and throw these outfits together first thing tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay up and work on them. . . Who knows. Hopefully it won't look like crap. 

Well, that's it for now, I still haven't accomplished what I intended to a week ago, and it's starting to really bother me.

If you close your eyes, it almost feels like nothing's changed at all.

Today has been one of. . . well. . . I don't know what to call it. It started out fairly ok, until I got news that one of the residents that I was rather fond of passed away. The last time I saw him was actually about a month ago when he first started feeling ill. At the time, I was helping out his wife when she stopped and showed extreme concern for his well being. It really moved me how much they still cared about each other. Everyday she would go and visit him in the hospital, and she always seemed happy to have seen him. I thought something was off today when I met her other daughter and they both participated in activities more than usual. I actually overhead a phone call from the daughter and that's how I found out. I didn't want to ask what happened, just incase they wern't ready to talk about it. They didn't say anything about it and they acted fairly "normal." At one point, another resident asked how the husband was doing and the wife told them he was ok, and I looked at her daughter's face, and she looked like she was about to cry. That signaled to me that whatever was going on, they wanted to keep it secret, from everybody, and it made me wonder whether or not the wife knew. . .

I know it's just a part of life, but it still makes me and everyone else sad. 

This song pretty much describes the weird feelings I've had today. http://youtu.be/F90Cw4l-8NY

Also, it relates to the whole dealing with the flood thing.

And here's a cat.

three strikes and you're out!

alright, I goofed again. I missed another post. Yesterday turned into a great day when I realized I didn't have to work, but I still didn't do anything. So yeah.

see you tonight, hopefully.

Another late night

Today was the last day that my mom was in town, so we did what we could, including sleeping in and carving pumpkins. We even drove through the mountains a little to see the trees and saw some reminders of the flood from a month ago. It's scaty how fast something can change and how long it takes to restore it. Ah entropy.

I'm not feeling so good about work and school, or even the combination of having to do the two. I don't have much time to turn things around, but I need to do what I can. 

Here's to hoping for an early snow day!!!

Just Like Everybody Else Does

So, this may sound fairly selfish, but it really bothers me when I see people I know, and I know they see me, but they don't say anything to me. Even if we make eye contact and they still don't say anything, it is just as bad!

like, I know I'm not to most recognizable person, but if I'm trying to indicate that we know each other, I don't want to be ignored! This happened twice today.

once, I saw an old friend of my editor's while we were at lunch, and though she has a few personal issues to work through, she's a really great person. He told me that they haven't spoken for about three months, and that he stopped making efforts to talk to her. I still wanted to be friendly and say hi, but I get the feeling she was avoiding me as hard as she could. I never did talk to her, but I'm sure if I tried, she wouldn't have responded to me.

the second time was while I was at the football game with my mom. We went to hang out near the band and I saw a few people I knew from when I was in the band. They walked by me several times and not once did they realize I was trying to say hello. I wasn't very loud about it, but I wasn't hard to notice either.

I really don't like it when this happens, but because I get blown off so much, I don't really wave or say anything anymore. I at least smile and make eye contact, and if I don't get a response then I guess oh well.

maybe I'm just not that recognizable. . .

Deafened by the Brass

While my mom is here, we went to the little parade thing that the marching band does every home game we have for the local college. She used to be in the marching band way back when she went to this school, and I believe I mentioned that my sister was in it for 5 years. I only managed one semester, but I remember enough to kind of dance along with the tunes. 

We walked down a little with the band, and when they stopped to perform, we stood right in front of the trumpets and trombones (and baritones, too). As they played their jams, I could feel the sound waves coming from their instruments, then resonating in my body. It was very enjoyable and is one of the main reasons I love seeing live music. 

Though, if I ever had to become deaf, I'd want it to be from standing to close to brass instruments. Deaf by trumpet squad. 

Here's an X-ray of my chest from about a month ago, I had to get one for work and they let me keep the picture. I definitely want this as a poster.

(also, post is late due to math. I tried doing it a night early)

Girls day out

what do you get when you put together three ladies all related by blood in a store that is having a closing sale?

a lot of crap and a lot of money pissed away.

but at least I'm getting plenty of work clothes. . . And possibly a pair of lime green and pink croc things.

way back in middle school, my dad bought me these bright pink and green tennis shoes for school, and I absolutely loved them. I got a little nervous about them when my rather popular friend said they were a bit weird and there were other kinds of shoes that were in style. At the time, I really wanted to fit in, so I (I don't remember if I actually did) thought about asking my dad to return them. I felt bad about it because the shoes I had were already pretty expensive and im sure the ones that were is style were just as expensive. Long story short, I kept those obnoxious shoes and loved the crap out of them. At some point the soles fell off and I used them as wall decorations in our next base.

anyway, the shoes I'm pondering buying are very similar, and that's why I'm telling you all this. So, yeah.

also we started the day with pedicures, so its a rather feety day.

The hour of Bedtime is upon us.

(a bit late, but i dont care).

I'm sure I had a lot more planned that I could have written about, but I am so tired I can barely sit up straight.

so, my mom is here this weekend, so expect a lot of family-related posts (or something like that). I still need to finish my homework and make that video (which was due today, but i was so tired, i overslept, and never actually made it).

oh well, such is the life.

also this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LonKGuS9uuQ

its been in my head all day. you wouldn't really guess this, but the guys who made this show are musical geniuses. i mean really.

ok. bed now.

mother demands my presence.

Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing.

"There's no earthly way of knowing
 Which direction we are going
 There's no knowing where we're rowing
 Or which way the river's flowing
 Is it raining, is it snowing
 Is a hurricane a-blowing
 Not a speck of light is showing
 So the danger must be growing
 Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
 Is the grisly reaper mowing
 Yes, the danger must be growing
 For the rowers keep on rowing
 And they're certainly not showing
 Any signs that they are slowing"

best part of that movie besides Gene Wilder.

the way that scene went was a lot like how today has gone. It feels as if things are starting to spin out of control, faster and faster. I'm starting to question if what I'm doing is really what I want, but also I know there really isn't much choice for me in changing it right now.

maybe its because I'm not sleeping well, or because I'm working so much, but I'm exhausted and a bit delirious. I can't remember anything of what I'm supposed to be doing, and I end up over filling my schedule. What happened to the life I had where I did next to nothing and actually had time to do things like art?

well, I started working at that certain game store, and it got crazy quick. I don't know if I'm ready to handle this kind of work again. Good news is, I do get to talk video games all day, so that's cool. My manager there said I did a good job, but I feel I only did half as good as I could have.

well, the night is young and I have a video to make. Bye.

procrastination station part two: the return of jafar.

so, even though I have been planning out posts to write all week, and I have just now found my iPad, I don't want to write anything.

my brain is so dead, I don't even know if I'm writing these sentences correctly, and I really don't care either way. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I need to whip up a video about food in Japanese by Wednesday morning. Hooray.

good news is, tomorrow morning I go in for my first day at a certain video game store. Yay.

well, wish me luck, I don't know if I need it, but oh well.

also, I may have made my character in Fable 3 look like Santa, and you can imagine all the Christmas related puns that followed.

and the singing of the Snow Meister (I think that's what he's called) song, that happened too.

We don't care, we're not caught up in your love affair.

I'm the kind of person who dwells in the things that they dream too much. In fact, I think I've mentioned this before. . .

anyway, last night I dreamt of someone who I used to be quite fond of. And any time this person wanders into my dreams, I can't get them out of my head for a few days. I get lost in this euphoric daze, floating in and out of reality. More than anything, I end up talking to myself a lot more than usual. My mind is always full of thoughts of "what if" and "if only," as if a world where this person and I are more close is possible. I have to remind myself that its not and if it was, the life I lived up until that point would have still happened, and I would still have to deal with all of it. I find comfort in the fact that it isn't possible, because I'm rather fond of the life I live now.

anyway, its what's been on my mind today. Thinking about it helped me take my mind off everything else that's been going on.

call it a mini vacation.

meaningful words

while working, one resident asked me if I considered myself to be a trustworthy person. I thought about it and gave him an honest "maybe, for the most part, I can trust myself." he was quiet for a bit, and asked if I thought he was a trustworthy person. Since I really didn't know him that well, I told him that as far as I knew he was trustworthy, he used to be a doctor after all.

he said he would disagree. He said that because he can be kind if a control freak and doesn't want to give up, he can cause a lot of trouble because of that. Sometimes it gets in the way, and sometimes it causes frustration in the people around him.

I continued to be honest with him and told him what I thought. Just because he can be some what of a control freak, doesn't mean he is untrustworthy. In some ways, being a controlling person is a double edged sword, how if you're a good leader, things will go your way, and in some ways, it means people can rely on you to get things done. And the downside is how people will often be frustrated with you. Among other things. . .

I really enjoyed talking with him, and I hope my words made him feel better.

in other news, last night one of the other dogs who frequent my work, the one that belongs to the maintenance guy, well, I was told that she was hit by a car last night and died. I feel so bad for everyone who knew the dog.

the scary thing is, just the other day I was petting her and saying how sweet she was.

tonight, I'm going to snuggle my cats extra close.

First Snow

when I woke up this morning, there was a lovely sprinkling if snow all around. It was just late enough in the morning that all of it was already melting, which made a lovely effect with the sun and trees. I guess its really almost winter time, huh?

I spent most if my day in bed, occasionally getting up to see our company or to make food. I kept playing Fable all morning and took a power nap around 1. It was some of the best sleep I've had in a while, and I'm sure I would have kept sleeping if my sister's old roomate didn't stop by. It was good to see her as well.

after lunch, I went back to playing video games, then got sleepy again, and then watched my usual programs. As soon as my editor gets home, we'll have dinner and you can guess what else I'll be doing.

I've had a good day, and even knowing that I have to work at 6am isn't going to stop me from enjoying the rest of it.

Guilty Pleasures

Back when I was fighting with my sister last week, I talked to my mom about finding something that I can do to relieve stress. She listed off a handful of things, but I explained to her that I already have ways of dealing with my stress.

As soon as I'm able to sit and play a video game, I'm relaxed. If there is a goal or great story to hold me in, its all I need.

I finally set up my Xbox today, and decided to crack out a personal favorite of mine, Fable 3. This game is so bad and yet so good, I can't help but love it!

It has kind of a nostalgic feel to it and always has a warm feel to it. I've already played it a few times, but its been a while.

so, that's what I'm doing tonight. Playing video games, like always so, yeah, Albion needs me, and I need a back massage.

also, its my moms birthday (or was, early today. I have no idea what time it is). So, wish her a happy birthday over on her blog, and click some of her adds. (she wants me to ask everyone to do it).

scenesfromsmithpark.blogspot.com

I've got a little bit longer, I've got a ways to go.

The human memory can be a fragile thing.

on Monday while I was out and about, I went to the old mostly abandoned mall in the city near mine. I don't recall looking at any bright lights or getting flashed by anything, but all of a sudden I had a pounding headache and I could see a くshaped line in my right eye. It threw off my depth perception and I had a hard time seeing.

I also couldn't remember a few things, I'd list them here, but I forgot them.

this pain lingered around for at least 45 minutes, and I can still feel some of its effects. I was really concerned about what happened, but I was all by myself when it hit me. And by the time I got back home, I had focused on other things (and then got into a screaming fight with my sister).

since then, I can barely remember what I am supposed to be doing during the same day! And don't even ask me about the day after that.

for example, I had plans to wake up early today and try and take care of all the everything that suddenly fell into my schedule over the last day. Starting with trying to reschedule some mandatory training so I could attend class (which I ended up having a test in), then off to another town for a job fair (which I totally rocked and now I have a part time job working at a popular video game store), and off to obtain a new couch/bed for when my home is livable again. I also intended to retrieve my fish tank, but the couch took up the entire back half of my car.

so my editor and I had some free time and had pizza for dinner, and tried relaxing a little when I received a phone call from my current place of employment. It took me a sec, wondering why they were calling me so late, when it clicked in my brain.

I was supposed to work the overnight shift.

I scrambled to get my shoes on and ran out the door while calling back my work. It took my less than 5 minutes to run to work.

Luckily, I wasn't in too much trouble when I arrived, and it was a fairly slow night, all things considered.

until she showed up.

one of the residents came wandering out of her room, convinced that someone was trying to break in. I double checked everything and even spent about 2 hours talking to her. Eventually she forgot why she came out and wanted to go back to bed.

her short term memory was extremely bad, as she would ask the exact same questions over and over and over. Maybe it was because she was tired or stressed out, but she could not remember anything I explained to her. It made me really concerned and frustrated that I really couldn't do anything.

I guess this is what it is like to be stuck talking to NPCs who only are programmed with a certain amount of dialogue.

now that its quieted down, maybe I can relax a little.

maybe. The other lady who is here with me hadn't stayed close by and doesn't seem very talkitive. Also, I have to deal with way too much shit at this job. Literally, I'm dealing with a lot of human feces and other waste. (its supposed to be funny, start laughing).

alright. I think that's all for now. I may or may not get another post in tomorrow, but I'll try. Believe me, I'm always thinking of topics to write about, I just don't ever have the time (or memory) to write them down.

Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.

So, yeah, completely missed yesterday's post, and I knew about it. I thought about writing it right before bed, and then when I woke up, then writing it before work, then after work.

well, its now before bedtime, the next day. Honestly, I don't care. The amount of BS I had to deal with yesterday was a bit overwhelming and by the end of it all, I just said "fuck it."

so, after missing class again, I went over to my godmother's house to clean up the rest of our mess. It didn't take that much time, so I went out in search of cheap temporary rugs so we don't have to stand on concrete. Well, hooray for slave labor, because I found exactly what I needed at a certain super center.

so then I came back to my sister's apartment and decided to clean it up a little so, you know, we could actually live in it. It really wasn't that much effort. I tidied the kitchen and living room, and started to bring in the rugs. I realized that one rug wasn't going to be enough, so my editor and I went back to the store to grab some more rugs, and possibly some seat cushions (her chairs cause hemorrhoids).

I thought she had to work overnight and wouldn't be back until the morning, which is why I was able to clean uninterrupted. Well, my sister was home, and I was actually quite happy to see her, hoping that we could work together or something like that.

nope.

nuh uh.

no way.

not happening.

she was going in and out of the garage, bringing in her chairs, so I asked her if she wanted help bringing in her coffee table (she had said she wanted to put it in her living room, and I had planned on bringing it in for her, it makes sense, trust me).

she immediately commented on how I shouldn't have moved her stuff, and how she was going to clean everything (like, that night), and  how I shouldn't be trying to take over her house with my things, etc.

the list just went on and on, and all of it was absurd.

well, should I have waited and let her clean her own mess (which really wasn't all hers)? Maybe. But did I want to sit and wait for possibly another two weeks for her to 'have enough time' and not be able to cook or walk through the living room? No. Absolutely not.

the problem with our argument was that neither of us was wrong, but at the same time, neither of us were right.

Who's needs should have priority? Who's chairs should be out and able to be used? Whose music should be playing? Who's life has been more inconvenienced by this whole disaster?

Questions we all really don't want to hear the answer to.

well, as you can imagine, the fighting only kept going, for several hours even. We fought about everything. From chair cushions, to me possibly being a hoarder, to my editor not being a valid person to involve in our arguments, to how the rugs were placed, to who was going to feed the pets, to who has the more demanding job, to who's had to be forced to do things the most by our supportive and understanding family, to what kind if coffee we each drink, and so on and so on.

it even got to a point where I was trying to finish cleaning where I started, which involved having to once again move her former roomate's stuff around, so it was in a safe and easily accessible spot and still not in the way. Well, she wanted me to just leave it in the way and I wanted to finish what I was doing (though, I didn't have it all planned out). She kept trying to "help" by getting in the way and undoing what I had just did, or keep moving something back where I had temporarily moved it, etc. I stepped outside to take something to the recycling (while we were still fighting) and she locked me out.

I was willing to deal with quite a lot, but that was too far and extremely unforgivable. I was not going to sit by and let her treat me like she did to her treat me like her other former roommate (who was a total psycho, mind you). So, I called her out on it, and eventually she opened the door. 

It was so ridiculous how much we fought that night. I can't say that I was completely reasonable, but in all honesty, I'm just trying to gain some normalcy in my life. Thanks to our last argument (which I don't remember whether or not I wrote about, but it pretty much ended with a giant "fuck you" from me to her), we hadn't spoken to each other, but part of the fight was declaring that if I had to, I would solely reside in the tiny room I was allowed to be in, and not even use her kitchen if I absolutely had to. I was livid from that and still a little mad about it, but not as much. So, when she said "I don't want to feel like a refugee in my own home," my editor and I about lost it.

Though her home had a little of damage and is a little disassembled, she has still been able to live (somewhat comfortably) in it. Also, while we were at my godmother's house, we offered to house her there so she could be with her pets, and offered her the use of one of our vehicles (which I did fairly often). So, she stayed in her home voluntarily, which was understandable given her circumstance, but we did offer her an alternative, which she declined. 

So when she said the about statement to two ACTUAL refugees, you can imagine our frustration. Believe me, I want to be in my own home again and be able to do the things I once was able to, but I can't, so here I am. Which means we have to other choice but to live together and get along. We have to share the same space like we did 6 or 7 years ago, but this time we have no excuse to act like children. We are both responsible (mostly) adults and are expected to behave as such.

So, (I just realized I've started nearly every paragraph with "so" pretty much, my bad lemme try something new). 

 

I really don't want to keep fighting, but she is going to have to learn to share and not act the way she has been, regardless of her sleep schedule. I will do my best not to agitate her or the situation, but since I have to be a part of this household (my editor as well), I'm going to do my fair part. 

And I am not going to let her get in my way of doing that I consider to be the right thing. 

Kneady monkey. 

Ps. I know this is technically going to be posted on Wednesday, meaning that I'm missing a Monday and Tuesday. But I don't care, if I'm lucky, I'll post again in the night, but no promises. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a shit storm.

Can you feel the Sunshine, does it brighten up your day

I don't even know where to start. I have boarded onto the aptly named "U.S.S. FuckThisShit" and we set sail long ago!

Lets see, I worked, than I came home, slept, woke up, went back to work, and now I am here. Also I hate math.

Also I am putting off doing my Japanese homework.

Also, I am tired.

But even with all the everything that is going on, I am very happy. Mostly thanks to my Editor who keeps saying the most random and bizarre things behind me. His sense of humor is terrible, but that is why I like it.

Ok, stop reading over my shoulder.

I'm not sure if I'll go to bed after this or not. Ah well, See you all tomorrow.

A Smile

It's really amazing how much influence a smile can have on someone.

facial expressions can show a lot, especially without actually speaking any words.

There may not be a lot that people can offer, but a warm and friendly smile can do wonders.

never let your fear decide your fate

rather than ranting about the absolute disaster that today was, or about work, I feel I should talk about something else.

what exactly? I have no clue. Unfortunately, I am absolutely exhausted. I'm working overnight again, so prepare for things to get a little weird.

it's really amazing how much effect music has on our lives. I personally wouldn't be able to go about my days without it.

I make a lot of references to music, in quotes and other ways.

also, it helps me stay awake through nights like these if I have a song or two stuck in my head.

So wake,me up when its all over

just about a month ago, or 4 weeks ago, depending on how you look at it, our home was flooded. Since then, well, to be frank, a lot of shit has happened. I've already talked about how different life is and how its changed me as a person.

I really can't wait until things can go back to "normal." I still think that "months" will suddenly be next month, and I wish it were possible, but I have to be realistic. I hate just sitting around and waiting. If I have time to be active, I want to be, if not, stick me in a chair and hand me some video games.

Sometimes I just want to try and sleep this all away, forgetting about school, and work, and any other adult responsibilities. With my life is such disarray, why even bother maintaining the other things in my life? I think my editor is asking the same questions to himself. However, I don't think that he is in a position to abandon the things he is responsible for. Its complicated.

My knees are aching and my whole left leg is in a lot of pain. Unfortunately, I know what that means.

oh well.

Where is the Tylenol?

Jean

Five years ago, my grandmother passed away. As soon as we found out she was in the hospital and probably wasn't going to make it, we drove up from where we were in New Mexico. I remember sitting in the car ride up, staring out the window, thinking all these thoughts that I don't quite have words for.

We arrived at the hospital around 9pm, and this was just after she stopped speaking. All of my family stood around her hospital room, speaking softly to one another. at one point, there might have been a joke that slipped out and one of my aunts replied with, "do you mind, we are trying to have a death here!" We all couldn't help laugh and it improved the somber mood.

I remember when I was able to sit by my grandmothers side and hold her hand. They told us she didn't want to have her hand pet or stroked, but it was kind of instinctive to. I wanted to say something to her, anything, but my throat was swollen as it was all I could do not to be in tears. I felt her hand squeeze mine, and I like to think that she knew I was there, but in reality I have no way of knowing. I don't remember how long I was there, but I know that when she did pass, my father and I were at her side, and the rest of our family was close.

She was an incredible person, and I have very fond memories of her. I try not to focus on her death so much, Instead when I tell stories of her, I share the other memories I have, like how often she took me and my sister to the arts and sciences museum that was in town. Or how no matter how old I was, anytime I went to visit her home, I would play with this little plastic train set (which is now in my possession). Or the mint lemonade that she always made. OH THE LEMONADE!!!

But not today. Today is the anniversary of her death, to which, since I moved here, I have always gone and visited her grave. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go today, so instead, I'm writing about it. The cemetery where her body resides is actually not far from my home. It is kind of funny, but for my whole life, we have lived so far apart, yet now that I actually live in the same state she did, she's only down the road. I can still visit her, but it is very different from how I used to visit her.

Working at the assisted living home that I do now, it really makes me think about her and what her life might have been like up until she died. I hope that her way of life was a lot more fulfilling and enjoyable than it is for some of the residents that I've seen. I miss her greatly, but I wouldn't want her to have to live an uneventful life if that was all that was left for her.

One of these days I'll tell one of my stories about visiting her. But for now, this is all I need to say.

Where I Wanna Be and Who I Wanna Be and Doing What I Said I Would

"and yet i feel i haven't won at all"

today did not go as planned, and honestly, that is totally ok. The person we were supposed to meet with about our apartments knew as little as we did, so i feel really bad for him.

I spent the afternoon wandering through different stores, trying to ignite my creative side, but in the end it failed because even if i could do anything, i wouldn't be able to for a few weeks still. I hate this limbo, but what i don't like more than this is how unintentionally impatient others can be. No one really is at fault, and there really isn't anything for us to do.

its all just really inconvenient. . .

right. I'm going to waste more time in minecraft. later.

More than you know

Its funny how some people complain about another, and yet many of the qualities that they are bother by, are ones they have as well. Projecting, I believe is the term. I know I'm guilty of this in many ways, I'm just amused by it, that's all.

It's going to be a long week, but good news is that we meet with the restoration company to talk about, well, a lot of things. Hopefully I'll be able to report more on my home afterwords. No promises though. 

I put off doing this too long, now I'm tired and forgot everything I wanted to say. Oh well.

On a side note, I'm amused by the shape of my had. Just out of the corner of my eye, my hand is silhouetted by the screen I'm typing on. It looks cool, ok? 

Right. Bedtime now.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me

I feel terrible. I can't help but feel like I've done a piss poor job today. I don't want to justify it by how tired I am or how much I've been working. There is no excuse.

I keep thinking about how I can obtain some normalcy in my life, and I can't imagine anything. I see vague images of a colorful home and I know it was once mine, but I don't even know if it really existed anymore. Logically, I know that what I'm seeing are my memories of what my house used to look like, and I know that it won't be that long before I'm able to return to something similar.

but I can't shake this feeling.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go mope around until I can go home. Maybe I'll feel better once I get a full nights sleep.

Dawn of the First Day

One month ago, I was a completely different person than who I am now. My life has been turned upside down and what was once normal, is a luxury. Last night, no, wait, this past morning (6am), I got off work and wandered into the freezing cold outside and drove a block away to my apartment. There, I turned on the heater and submerged myself in the comfort of my bed. I had earned a rest. Since they have finally started taking out my counter tops and cabinets, I have no running water. So, if I needed to use the bathroom, I had to go to my sister's place, which I did.

I didn't even care that I barely completed my math homework, and I don't really care if my teacher extends the deadline. That is how tired I am.

On top of not giving any. . . anythings about math, I returned to work at 2pm. Can you guess where I am now?

and do you know where I will be until 6am?

Then I get to return to my home with no running water and sleep for a few hours. Then I'm back to work again at 2. Luckily, I don't have to work another overnight shift (as far as I know). By the time I get home tomorrow night, I'll be so tired that I may not even get a chance to visit with my godmother now that she and her husband are back from their fabulous vacation.

With every new day and every new shift I work, I feel like I learn something important from the people here. I'm starting to understand a little bit more of who they are and how they feel. I wish more than anything that I can bring some kind of joy into their lives. Something to be excited for, something to do, a new experience to share. I want their days to have more meaning, something outside of the mundane and uneventful limbo they are stuck in.

One of the couples who live together here got me thinking. The wife usually requires quite a bit of assistance, and the husband usually helps as much as he can. I don't know why it never occurred to me, but I guess they are married for a reason. The husband was unusually delirious tonight, and his wife was extremely concerned for his wellbeing. I was really touched by their relationship, and I hope that when we are that old, my editor and I will be that close still.

but at the same time, the thought of being that old and having to live in such a way terrifies me.

All the Lights in the Sky are Stars

I have a perfectly good reason for being over my deadline tonight. But order for anything I say to make sense, I have to start at the beginning of my day.

remember how last weekend I had one hell of a first night of work on my own? Well, because of that, I volunteered to train for a few morning shifts, that way I wouldn't be completely useless. Well, the one yesterday was really rough, and I had to do it all,over again at 5.

thanks to a certain little grey cat who happens to belong to my sister, I didn't get any goddamn sleep. So when 5am rolled around, I was dead, and nothing was going to make me get out of bed. After about 7am, I realized what had happened, but was unable to care. Once I was a little more awake, I gave my manager a call, apologizing for missing my training. She didn't even realize I was suppose to be there. She also asked if I still wanted to come in, but I told her that I really needed early morning training, so it would be rather pointless to go in.

I waited around for my editor to wake up, who missed his first class and we both secretly wanted him to miss the other two, so he did. Didn't take a lot of convincing. We went out for lunch and ran a few errands. The only important thing to mention is the little cookie monster costume we bought for my sister's dog. Right after we bought it, my sister called, asking me to drive to another city and take her to work so she didn't have to walk in the rain/snow.

that's right, it snowed. The mountains were covered in it. That also means that it is ridiculously cold out. I keep forgetting that it is October, and this is normal.

while I was showing my sister her dog's new outfit, I received a call from my work, asking me to cover someone's shift. I really wanted to, but my evening was very busy already. By the time I got back to our current place of residence, my editor had cleaned up a little where it mattered, but we still had a lot more to do. So, did we clean? No. No we didn't. We sat and played Minecraft instead. This was a terrible idea. Then we went to dinner.

right as we were ordering desert, I received another call from my manager, asking me to work the graveyard shift. As busy as I was, am, and will be, and against my better judgment, I said that I would work it.

so here I am.

I can't even describe how stressed out I am, not to mention the fact that I probably won't sleep until Tuesday night.

at least this happened: while driving to work, I saw. . . Something. . . it shot across the sky with a brilliant streak of light. So, yeah, I saw a "shooting star" tonight. It really made me think a little. About what, I don't know.

right, I better get back to work before someone has some kind of accident.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end of it.

Did a lot of thinking today, mostly about stuff. The highlight of the evening was getting to see Michio Kaku speak at the university campus. It was absolutely incredible. I was thinking about skipping it tonight, since I was so tired from work and I just haven't been feeling well, but I am so glad I went!!!

I'm not going to go into detail of what he spoke about, but I will say it left kind of an eerie optimism feeling with me. Half hopeful and half a warning. Whatever this feeling is, myself and the gentlemen who accompanied me had quite the discussion together afterwards. Mostly about the ethics of time travel, but we got off topic very quickly. 

I wish I had more to tell you, but I'm tired and I have to be at work at an ungodly early hour. So, bye?

157% trouble. 

Progress

私は日本語を話が下手です。私は日本語を読むが下手です。でも、日本語を勉強することが大好きです。

now, if that shows up as anything besides blocks for you, it means that I really need to work on my grammar. Ok, I need to do that for English too, but I still need a lot of practice for Japanese.

this thought came to me during class, sensei was writing a few sentences on the board and I realized something. I could read it, and I understood it. This is something that I've wanted to be able to do for a very long time. I'm no where near fluent, and I certainly can't respond quickly when asked something, but when I hear it, like in a show or in music, I can understand the sentence structure, pick out where words being and end. That makes me happy.

what made me realize this was the word 野菜、やさい。Yasai- it means vegetable. Looking at that kanji on the board, being able to read and understand it. Yeah, I did good.

now I'm going to go eat some vegetables. Bye.

今、私は野菜を食べます。じゃあ、さよなら。

I Feel it in My Bones

in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out

I spent so much of my day traveling back and forth between these two cities which I'm required to be in. Yesterday I only went to class and stayed 'home' and cleaned everything, today I made up my lost travel time.

Do you remember how I was complaining about how it was a waste of time for me to go in to work for an hour of computer training that I could have completed the day before? Yeah, guess who had go in for another 8 hours of computer training today? A 9 to 5 shift sounded fine until I realized that I didn't have any more courses to do. That's right, I went to a day of training that I finished 3 days ago. So after sitting and picking my nose for 2 hours, I showed my manager that I had completed everything already and went home.

I stomped over to my sister's place while on the phone with my mother. I lectured her about raising her children to be intelligent, competent, literate, and decent human beings, to which she laughed at me and said, and I quote, "Oops, my bad." So I proceeded to borrow my sister's computer to look up other places I could live until my home is repaired. Offering to accompany me to one of the possible locations, I took her back with me to our temporary residence, also so she could see her pets. We never did go and check out the possible housing, instead I made lunch and watched as her cat started fishing for the pasta I had made. We all about died of laughter.

shortly before my editor had to leave for school, I received a call from my manager, asking me to come in to work, and cover for someone ASAP. So, I did.

After contemplating some bizarre vehicle roulette, we all piled in one car and drove back to our city of residence. I ran into work and kind of wandered around awkwardly until someone acknowledged I was there and ready to work. Apparently, I wasn't supposed to be in until 6, and it was 3. Goddamnit.

the shift itself wasn't even that difficult, just busy. Right before I went on break, my editor and a few friends showed up, what a pleasant surprise!

since my editor was now my ride home, he was able to sit and hang out until the shift was over. And now we're home, kinda.

forget doing any homework, I'm exhausted.

Ok bye.