If you thought I was bad at keeping up an online blog, lemme tell you, I'm even worse at keeping a paper journal.
Many people suggested I do that to help sort my thoughts or for therapeutic reasons, and it was actually my hope to document my maternal journey that way. I always imagined that I would write detailed passages expressing my thoughts and feelings and the things I was doing during my pregnancy, but instead I'm several months behind and starting to forget just what happened along the way.
But hey, my journal has a bunch of bees on it, so that's something.
As I promised though, I wanted to make a post ranting about some of the more frustrating aspects of this process, specifically in the ways other people treat you. I know I am not the only one who is experienced these kinds of things, and I know I'm not the only one who is bothered by them. However, I do know that a lot of the things I'm about to complain about do come from people who mean well or are trying to be endearing, so don't take me as chastising these people too much.
I had speculated long before I found myself in this situation, that in the past, pregnancy used to be more about the mother's health and journey, not so much the baby's. Thanks to modern medicine and technology, and how it allows us to see the baby develop and whatnot, I thought that might have been what triggered this cultural shift to fixate on the baby's existence while completely neglecting the mother.
Now, I know that it's not ALWAYS the case, and that maybe I'm just reading into things, but this is my blog and I'll be wrong if I want to.
It seemed like from the moment people knew about my pregnancy, I was starting to be erased. I wanted to keep things on the downlow, more of a need to know basis until I was ready to be more open about it, especially since there is always that chance of the baby not surviving the first trimester. Eventually rumor spread and the news got around to a few more people and some did come up and talk to me about it. Of course, I always asked "who told you" first but never actually got an answer. (personally I always like seeing where information spreads from). Once everyone else knew (and I told them), I got less of "How are you?" and more of "How's the baby?" (like I knew how something the size of a grape deep in my belly was!?!). Less "Good morning V," and more "Hey little Mama."
I was being reduced to what I WAS, rather than WHO I am. (even though I know that they are just trying to be sweet, It still bugs me.)
Even before all this started, stuff like that bugged me. (I don't remember if I wrote this before but I can't be bothered to check.) I have chronic stomach problems. Nothing like, serious or diagnosable, but enough that frequently I'm sitting here going "my tummy hurts" or some shit. Now, I HATE and I mean that with every single capitalized letter, when other people hear that (particularly older folk) and loudly assume "oH aRe YoU PreGnANt?!" like it's any of their business if I am or not. for Y E A R S I have had people ask that and it really grates on you, especially if you're not particularly comfortable with that word. (it always rubbed me the wrong way for some reason and its been a feat getting used to saying frequently, but that's not a problem with the concept as a while that's just me being weird). Not to mention those who may have struggles with pregnancy or trauma or just don't want to hear it. Seriously, don't make assumptions and don't say stuff like that. It's 2020, don't assume people's medical issues.
Going back to the erasure issue, it also seemed like I was becoming secondary to the tiny parasite living in my stomach (no I don't actually think they're a parasite, I've just been replaying Bioshock). Even simple things like me going to feed myself turned into "OH ArE yOU GetTiNG FOod FoR thE BaBY?!" as if I no longer needed to eat to keep myself alive. Or when the weather was bad and I was about to drive home, I was told "Drive safe! It's not just you in there!" as if my life was not as important as my baby. (Yes I'm reading into things way too much and Yes I am being very pedantic about it and YES I just realized I could use italics for emphasis. sue me). All these things stemmed from people trying to be sweet, I'm sure, but it still just rubs me the wrong way. Now with my belly showing way more, I get interrupted a lot just for people to gawk at it. Like, okay, you can be excited, I am too, but like LETMEFINISHMYDAMNSENTANCEFIRSTHOLYSHIT.
Which leads me to one more thing- people making everything in my life about pregnancy or the baby. Like I said before, I am very excited. I've wanted this for a long time and I look forward to seeing what kind of person my child is going to be, both me and my husband are. However, I still have other things going on in my life, things that literally are my life's work and my dreams. I'm still working towards them and I'm not going to suddenly give them up now that I am going to be a mother. I'm also not going to stop being me and start living vicariously through my child (not to mention how unhealthy that is for me and the kid. seriously, our goal is to NOT give them a childhood they need therapy from). The last thing I want from any conversation is to suddenly be really passonate about my work or my art and for it to turn back into someone else wanting to talk about the baby or how my baby will relate to it now. Or really any conversation. Like I can be having a regular conversation about politics or video games or whatever and someone being like "Well, you're pregnant... so..." and I'm not even talking about the ways people try to assume you're just overrating or being hormonal, as if that somehow changes how I feel about something (though it does amplify feelings, but no more than a period does I guess). That's been my biggest frustration as of late. It's like, I'm more than just pregnant. I'm still me, my own person with thoughts and feelings and I"m not going to stop being me just because I am a mom now. Also, my kid is going to be the same, their own person with their own thoughts and feelings. We aren't extensions of each other, even if we're alike (much like me and my own mother are, but no one assumes that my mom doesn't exist just cause she gave birth twice. She's actually said she experienced some of these things when we were babies and I can only feel terrible she had to go through it. ((I also nearly killed her when I was born so like... oops))
Long story short, Treat pregnant folks as if you would anyone else. They're still human. of course, still be courteous to them and be conscious with your actions around them, like smoking or letting them sit if they want or just like... don't be a jerk.
ALSO DON'T TOUCH THEIR BELLIES WITHOUT ASKING! SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH Y'ALL. Most don't mind or wont yell at you but like, ASK FIRST! ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
ok. end rant. maybe it's not as bad as I make it out to be but I bet there are a million other mothers out there who have even worse stories and experiences than I do. (and I've even had it easy compared to most. seriously... how did humanity survive this long).
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