Home Stretch

MAY IS UPON US

Well, as of tomorrow it is anyway, and that means there's less than 2 weeks left until my whole world is changed. But let't be real here, it's not like my life hasn't gradually changed over these last nine months anyway. Between work, personal projects, personal growth, and a fluctuating number of cats in my life, I'm used to the change (though I'm not even going to get into how the pandemic changed things, but all things considered, I lucked out).

I know I spent the last blog post ranting and complaining about what it feels like to be pregnant in this society, and perhaps I was a little too critical in some points (though I stand by what I said), I wanted to take this time to share all the positive things about this new journey I'm venturing on.

Let's be honest, I've always wanted kids. I always wanted to be able to experience this (pregnancy) and I love caring for other people (and animals). I loved working as a caregiver for all those years and when I left that job, all I really wanted was to be able to spend more time at home and be kind of a home maker (though I still want to work). I've always considered myself (and been considered to be) a certified "Mom Friend," making sure everyone has what they need (if I can) and yelling at people to stay hydrated. I know raising a tiny human is going to be very different, but I (and my editor) look forward so much to watching them learn and grow and discover the person they'll be. same goes for any kid we'll have in the future.

All things considered, I know I've had a relatively easy and painless pregnancy. Sure, the first part sucked and being sick and fatigued for months got old quick, but it did get better. I still don't recommend this to anyone unless they WANT to go through this mess, but I'm glad I got the chance to. I haven't had to go to the ER for anything, I'm not so sick and worn out that I can't still enjoy the things I used to, and I know I have been SPOILED by my work and the lovely techs who have let me take a peek at my baby via ultrasound every other week or so since new years. (seriously, I love y'all).

Since the new year, and with how much this baby has grown, I've learned to take comfort in feeling them move around (though it hurts sometimes). I used to struggle to feel anything or was unsure what it was supposed to feel like (best descriptor I had was really bad indigestion). But now I feel every wiggle and kick and when they've got to do their taebo routine. I've been able to actually watch them move around from the outside. It used to be I would SWEAR that I could see it with my shirt move or if I watched closely I could see the tiny thumps, but now I can clearly feel and see everything. My editor even noticed them moving around a bunch when I took a nap in the recliner last week. He was just sitting near my on the couch finishing homework as I dozed and noticed the blankets were experiencing an earthquake. No longer do I have to take his hand and place it on my belly for several minutes hoping he can feel something, now its within seconds (though the kid ALWAYS calms down whenever dad shows up which is just not fair).

More than anything, I'm just glad to have such a wonderful partner. I've said to him over and over and over how I'm glad it's him that I'm experiencing this all with, and he's repeated the same back to me. As many of you know, our lives have not been perfect and there are many times I would have been justified to leave, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't regret staying. I chose to stick with it even knowing the risks and I have been repaid tenfold by his dedication and love. I do with there were things that we could have done differently, and I do feel the repercussions for my actions, but I've taken a page from his book and learned to change and grow and become a better person than I was before every day I can. He's been reliable and caring and stood by my side during this whole journey, and aside from my mother, I don't think anyone is more excited for this baby's arrival. He's going to be a great father and I hope they take after his curiosity and desire to learn and explore. I'm also grateful that he gets to be by my side for the delivery, I can't imagine having to do it alone, and since I can't have any other family with me (thanks to the pandemic), I'm glad I can at least have him.

I do worry a lot about the cats and how they'll react to this new being. My herd is a needy bunch, and I know there are a few of them who I don't have to worry about with the baby. The roommate's cat, Momo, who mostly stays upstairs with us and is the most interactive cat I've met in years (though he does have a tendency to pee on the couch, it's a pain but he's worth all the mess). He's very gentle when he plays with us and I have confidence in him that he'll be good with the baby. My editor's big fluffy cat, Darwin (Winny for short), I think will also be a nice gentle mama. She's more aloof, but I have photographic proof that she and Momo do well with babies. My old friend from Japanese class came to visit last year and brought her (then) one year old and those two cats were FASCINATED by the tiny human, watching her move around the house and just kept an eye on her. Winny had almost guided her up the stairs, only climbing up one or two above the kid to watch her, her tail straight up with curiosity and interest (cat language is an easy thing to read once you know what to look for).

The others though... well... I think Winny's sister, Huxley (Bug) will be okay with the kid. She tends to be needier than her sister, but she's also more demanding when it comes to cuddles. We'll see how she does. Our other foster, Fenetre (an old tortie calico we've been watching for my friend who's been working in Japan on and off for the last few years), is absolutely OBSESSED with my editor (specifically his lap) and I can see her climbing into his arms OVER the baby to settle, then getting upset that his lap is occupied like she often does. I don't think she'll be hostile, just... pouty. Abbey (Moose), the absolute love of my life, I think she's gonna get jealous. She doesn't like the other cats at all and is very picky. She's not mean to people, she's just vocal when she's upset (makes little oinking noises and they are my favorite). Since he's been home so much (being non-essential and having online classes now), she's been getting really close to my editor and it's very sweet. says she asks him for cuddles a lot after I go to bed. I think she'll be a lot like Fenetre when it comes to the baby, minus the stepping over them to get to cuddles. Maybe. We'll see.

Carmen, the stray I took in last year, she'll be fine I think. she's not a cuddler or really invested in what we're doing, though she likes being around us. I do know that if we lay the baby on the floor or on the changing table, she'll probably come up and swatswatswat at them, but no worse than how she plays with me (and its limited claws so not painful). She's not as gentle as Momo, but she hasn't injured me since I was first trying to get her used to the house, and that was cause I was being the big dumb stupid ape and putting my hand out towards a scared and hostile cat. AND I even had to climb a tree to get her un-stuck last week.

(I'm not really going to guess how my roommate's other cat, Ammy, will react. She stays in the basement and is anxious around everyone that isn't her parents).

The one I worry the most about is our new tabby boi, Fluvi. He's absolutely TERRIFIED when new people come over, and goes into hiding every time my parents come by. It takes HOURS for him to relax and return to the rolly chirpy boi that he is normally. He's a giant (and I mean GIGANTIC as in size/weight) chicken, and doesn't know how to be gentle when it comes to bites and claws. He barely tolerates when my editor and I trim his claws and they grow back so quick. He's been such a wonderful part of this last year and I'm so happy to have him in my life, but I'm terrified how he's going to react to the baby. I don't think he'll be hostile, but I'm afraid he'll be too afraid to even come out and eat most days (and yeah he could use to lose a pound or two, but not like this). My editor reassures me that he'll eventually get used to the kid and I hope he's right, I just don't want to lose seeing the wonderful personality he has.

People had asked me if it's really a good idea to have so many cats AND a baby (even disregarding the old wives tales), and no, it's probably not. But I never found a new home for Carmen even though we tried (I'm not giving them to shelters), and all of the other people who we COULD give them to either are allergic, already have cats, or already live with me.

I know it's kind of silly that the thing I look forward to the most is just being able to be home with my baby and my family (human and feline), and I feel bad for spending half this post ranting about cats (you knew this about me when you clicked). But it's true. I'm a simple man with simple dreams.

Am I ready to be a mom? I mean I already am but, sure? Do I think I can do it? I don't know. I can only do my best.

One of my favorite cartoons from this last decade is Steven Universe, and in it (trying not to spoil anything here), there is a character, Rose Quartz, She is technically some kind of gem-lifeform alien and falls in love with the earth and how amazing it is, and loves humanity. She eventually falls in love with a musician named Greg Universe and they have a kid, Steven (but she has to give up her gem form to become Steven... it's a thing don't worry about it). Anyway, before she "conceives" Steven, there is an episode where she and Greg babysit for one of their friends and hi-jinks ensue. Rose has a moment on the beach where she talks about the difference between organic life and gem-kind. Gems come directly out of the ground fully formed and programmed with purpose, and they live (nearly) eternally with that function and nothing else, no room for deviation from the norm (hence why she defected from her home planet and fought for the earth (more plot stuff don't worry about it)). Humans, however, they come out as a blank slate and they learn and grow and become whatever they want, and it's one of my favorite of her scenes, because it sums up how I feel about parenthood. I can't wait to watch and see my child(ren) grow and learn and become whoever they are going to be. Later on in the timeline, after Rose turns to Steven, there's a little montage of Greg trying to care for newborn Steven. The song he sings over it is "I can never be ready," and the lyrics are just that, him expressing that even though he's already in this situation and is as ready as he'll ever be, he can never REALLY be ready for what parenthood brings him. He just has to face it one day at a time and my editor and I both take that message to heart.

We're just going to face each day as it comes and do our best. We will try to avoid the mistakes of our predecessors, and learn and grow from our own mistakes (and I know we'll make them).

I don't want to have any expectations for my child (or any kid I'll have). My biggest hope is for them to stay alive, be healthy, and I pray they aren't allergic to cats. The total lack of expectation also ties into why we didn't want to find out/don't care about their sex, (since we have very progressive views on sex and gender and I don't like the needlessly gendering of infants or their stuff). I want to give them the tools I had that helped shape me into the person I am, though if they find their own way that's cool too. (Just don't be a nazi, kid).

I hope I maintained the positive tone I wanted for this post, since I do want to convey how excited I am to give birth (thou it gonna huuuurt). I'm an optimist to a fault, and I'm gonna face this smiling.

Well, see you on the other side!